Friday, April 29, 2005

Make up your own dam title...I'm waaay too important to be bothered with things like that.

I have been extra busy today with some tasks that are going to change the everyday details of my life in a pretty major way, as well as the pages of Drunk and Stupid, but we'll get to that stuff early next week. For those of you guessing out there. Yes, I did have yet another illegitimate child. Yet, since I wasn't taking care of any of my other babies, this one will be no different and has nothing to do with the changes which are fast approaching. The only major effect that this latest bastard will have on my life is that I'll once again be retaining the services of Vernon Maxwell's former attorney.

Moving on, I had to work a home game last night which finished up in just under 2.5 hours, thereby allowing me to catch the end of the Nets-Heat tussle as well as the entire Mavs-Rockets game. Since we're getting close to another exciting Manatee game at Space Coast Stadium, I'll supply my observations on last night's activities in the ever familiar random thoughts format.

- Is there any possible way for a white man to look goofier than when they put on basketball jersies over their dress shirt (this means you Roger Clemens)? Oh. I've just been informed that if said white man executes a high five in said outfit, that causes him to look much goofier than if he were to just wear the jersey-dress shirt combo. That makes sense.

-Can we all agree that any sign which incorporates any incarnation of the phrase, "Houston, We have a problem" should be outlawed? Furthermore, can we also agree that any person who breaks this law will immediately be escorted from the arena in which they have displayed this sign? I didn't think that anybody would have a problem with that.

- Who told Vince Carter that he had to fallaway on every single jumper that he took? Seriously. I want an answer on this because I'm just having a real hard time imagining Dean Smith demonstrating this technique in practice.

- Nenad Kristic sure seems like he's going to be a player in the NBA in a couple of years. The Nets would be wise to sign him to an extension this off-season. If they wait until next summer, they're going to end up paying him at least twice as much per season. On a related note, Nenad's nickname is "Curly". I don't know the origin of this moniker and, frankly, I don't care. I do have one question though...Can we get Curly on the back of his jersey like "Candy" or "Chili"?

- When are opposing players going to figure out that Jason Terry can barely even dribble with his left hand? It's ridiculous, he's been a starting guard in the NBA for like five years now and nobody closes out on his right hand. Coincidentally, the first person who ever caused me to pull my hair out with frustration over this sort of thing was none other than Terry's current coach, Avery Johnson. During the prime of David Robinson's career I used to sit and scream at my TV, "He's going left, HE'S GOING LEFT!!" everytime that Johnson got his hands on the ball. Of course, it never worked and Avery would slice through the lane and bank home a lefty floater as the announcers proceeded to praise Avery's ability to penetrate.

-Avery Johnson looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle...except for whole being green thing.

- Can the Rockets hire a coach to teach Yao Ming how to jump when somebody's comes flying down the lane? Jesus son, you're 7'6", block a shot already. On two seperate occasions last night, Yao stood motionless in the paint as Devin Harris and Marquis Daniels, respectively, attempted to drive the lane. On both occasions Yao flopped (unsuccessfully) in an attempt to get the charge instead of trying to block the shot of someone at least a foot shorter than him. I understand wanting to stay out of foul trouble, but if you're being called for fouls anyway then you might as well try and intimidate somebody, right?

- Udonis Haslem had 13 and 19 rebounds last night. Now, I know that playing with Shaq is a huge advatange for his teammates (especially Power Forwards) but its absolutely amazing to me that not one NBA team saw fit to take a flyer on this kid coming out of college. Just for the record, here is a list of the power forwards who were selected in the second round instead of Udonis in 2002: Robert Archibald, Carlos Boozer, David Andersen, Lonny Baxter, Sam Clancy, Chris Owens, Peter Fehse (?), Darius Songalia, Luis Scola, Randy Holcomb, and the immortal Corsley Edwards (now available for weddings and bar mitzvahs). I'll admit that I was surprised with the amount of decent big men who came out of this draft's second round but you're out of your mind if you don't think that Haslem should've been selected in this draft.

One last NFL draft tidbit: Has any JUCO stud ever made a worse decision when choosing a college then Brandon Jacobs did two years ago when he trasnferred to Auburn. A JUCO running back choosing Auburn at that time is the college football equivalent of your average man choosing to be the third man in a gangbang scene with John Doe and Mr. Marcus. Not that I know who those guys are or anything. I've just, uh...heard that those are the names of some well known porn actors.

As for tonight, I'm really not interested in any of the games, save for maybe the Sonics-Kings and that's only because both of those teams play about as much defense as your average intramural team. Regardless of my ties to each game(or lack thereof), it will be nice to have some meaningful (somewhat) games to watch while I'm working myself into a drunken stupor late on this evening. Anyway, enjoy your weekends and as always...drink more than you think you should.

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