Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Minnie has been to known to get a little loose after a few cocktails...

So last night I sat down to watch my beloved Magic take on the Celtics in hopes that the Magic would play better than the last time these two teams met when Orlando put a stamp on it during the second quarter of a HOME GAME and allowed Doc Rivers his first win versus his former team. (I think that Brianna Banks was at Rachel's Cabaret that night so I can give the guys a pass on that one.)

I didn't tune in until midway through the first quarter so I was just settling into the action when former Magic coach and current Magic color man Matt Guokas mentions that Cuttino Mobley isn't playing because of a proposed trade. Thats it, no mention of the other team involved and certainly no mention of who he is being traded for. No big deal I think, they'll tell me soon. Well they didn't, not even close. Finally I go to ESPN.com to check the headlines. No dice. CNNSI.com, try again asshole. Finally, I ventured to a Magic message board in a desperate (and admittedly really nerdy) attempt to find out something, anything about this trade. Not one fucking topic. I'm getting fairly annoyed at this point and my girlfriend has come over at some point during all of this and is now wearing the "Jesus, how did I end up with such a loser" face. Listen, I understand...I'm a huge dork. You play the hand you're dealt.

Anyway, I decide to go back to watching the Magic in hopes that they'll mention at least a rumor that I can wrap my mind around...the only thing I get is a shot of Steve Francis openly pouting on the bench, which isn't much of a surprise since he and Cuttino have had a monogomous relationship for at least five years now. Not good news for the Magic. The whole team looks like its sleep walking through this game and they're already down by 16 in the second quarter. Frustrated, annoyed, and hungry, I agree to leave and get some dinner with my girlfriend.

No more than 5 minutes later I get not one, but two phone calls from my friends Vitas and Calvin informing me that the player in question is none other than Doug Christie...after I narrowly avoided the ditch that I nearly drove my car into, I'm able to process this info, barely. I am going to wait and see how this plays out because Magic GM John Weisbrod certainly did a good job this summer when he put this team together but right now, I don't get it. Christie is 35 with two years and $15 million left on his contract with a certifiably jealous/crazy wife who is notoriously hard to deal with...and that was in Sacramento where the women aren't exactly Victoria's Secret material. What is this nutty bitch gonna do in Orlando where women of questionable moral character walk around in skirts and tank tops 320 days a year?

I also know that Mobley was a free agent, but do you really think that we couldn't have gotten him to resign? For Christ's sake, his boyfriend is the starting point guard. I can guarantee that the only two teammates who have a less heterosexual relationship are David Pollack and David Green.

This move definitely makes the Magic a better defensive team (hard to be much worse) but I think that they are going to struggle to score points without, at least, the threat of Mobley out on the perimeter. Mobley singlehandedly won both the Knicks and Jazz games earlier this seasna nd the team struggled mightily to score when Cuttino had a bad groin (to say nothing of how "lonely" Francis was getting at the time) Remember, this is a team whose frontcourt includes the offensive wizardry of Tony Battie, Kelvin Cato and Mario Kasun, not exactly the '86 Celtics.

I'm hopeful that this trade works out but when you factor in the inevitable 15-20 game poutfest that Stevie Franchise is about to bless us with, along with the horrible offensive production of the frontcourt and the meshing of both Doug and Jackie Christie into the Magic lockeroom (oh, they'll both be a part of the lockeroom), you now have the potential for a very long and ugly losing streak that could submarine what has been a very promising Magic season up to this point.

Well, at least we'll get to hear all the crazy stories about Jackie Christie getting female Magic employees fired and her calling Minne Mouse a filthy slut...that should be fun.

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