Sunday, June 12, 2005

Hurricane McCarver has a nice ring to it...no?

The Ole Miss crowd is making more noise than I think I've ever heard at a college basbeall game. You can say what you want about rednecks in the south...but don't say they don't know how to get rowdy. Oh yeah, Ole Miss' stadium is called Swayze Field. What do they call their softball complex? Guttenberg Stadium?

While watching the Yankees-Cardinals game yesterday on Fox I was debating on whether to kill myself or not, if only because I assume you can't hear Tim McCarver when you're dead. In the midst of my suicide debate, I somehow ended up on one of the 11 HBO stations that I get and happened to stumble upon the begining of "Love Don't Cost a Thing". Let me assure you that this is, without a doubt, the biggest steaming pile of crap in cinematic history. It was so bad at some points that I was actually missing Tim McCarver. That is until I flipped back to Fox and found myself smack dab in the middle of a discussion about the merits of various Hurricane names. At one point, the conversation went something like this:

Buck: How about Hurricane Bernie?
McCarver: No. No, Bernie is way too nice of a guy...one of the nicest guy's you'll ever meet.
Buck: (slightly indignant) Well what do you think would be a good name for a hurricane?
McCarver: Bodacious. (followed by a solid 15 seconds of silence from Buck).

I'm not sure if Buck was just so shocked at what McCarver said or if his gun jammed in the press box. Either way, the man deserves a medal for not murdering Tim McCarver right then and there.

As for "Love Don't Cost a Thing", I knew that is was the same premise as '80s classic "Can't Buy Me Love", what I didn't know was that it was the exact same movie. The only difference is that the characters would use lines like "Don't be frontin on my game shorty." and "That breezy has it on and poppin!". Everything you remember about "Can't Buy Me Love" was there. Same nerds vs cool people plot. Same popular girl with two slutty friends. Same inevitable outing of nerd at a party. They even resurrected the "She's given out more rides than Greyhound" line. In terms of enjoyment, I would rate the viewing experience just below plucking every nose hair that I have.

The real highlight of my weekend came on Thursday night when myself, Dirty and Todd drove up to Daytona Beach for our buddy Kapper's bachelor party. We got to Daytona around 8 and immediately began drinking. Their were a total of nine guys in attendance for the evening and it promised to be an interesting time. I have been to Daytona numerous times in my life but somehow, had never managed to get myself into any of their renowned Gentleman's Clubs so, needless to say, my curiosity was piqued. We headed out around 9:30 and made our way to a fine establishment by the name of Lollipops. Lollipops was one hell of a joint. It was huge inside with three bars and one enormous stage. The girls were all very attractie young ladies who (no doubt) were only working as a means of attaining the neccessary funds to complete their Doctoral Theses. By the time 11:30 rolled around their had to be at least 30 ( all hot, I swear) girls working the various areas of Lollipops. We would've stayed their all night had it not been for another of one the guys in our group being unceremoniously asked to leave. Apparently, our friend Ray (mid 30's, married) and one of the doctoral students got into a dispute over services rendered after which Ray was escorted out. We moved on to numerous other establishments throughout the night. As the night merged into the morning, I began to get fuzzier and fuzzier. However, I do remember some noteworthy highlights from the night's festivities, and they are as follows:

- Kurt spent over $700 on Thursday night. At one point, he was in the VIP room so long that we thought he must've killed a stripper in the back room.

-Some stripper telling Silva that, "You're not a cookie monster, so don't touch my cookie." Uhh, okay.

- Jason Elam (not the kicker) dry humping (doggie style) some stripper in the VIP room of a club.

-One stripper slamming her ass in Kapper's chest so hard that he fell down. This was around 10:30 so it definitely was her ass and not the alcohol.

- Me tipping the old black bathroom attendant in Lollipops $10 for a fucking mint. I didn't mean to give him a ten but what am I supposed to do go back in the bathroom and ask for my change?

- Dirt mixing himself a Crown and Seven and 5:30 in the morning. Just what you want from the guy who's driving you home in less than four hours.

I'm sure there were some even better highlights that I missed or have just forgotten due to the copious amount of alcohol I ingested on Thursday but those are all I can muster up as of now. All in all, it was one of the better bachelor parties that I've been to in a quite awhile and nobody got arrested or overdosed, which are always possibilities with my friends.

One last totally unrelated item: Cal-State Fullerton had 14 players drafted in the Major League Draft this past week. Fourteen. That's amazing.

1 comment:

Greg said...

Nice work. Good to see there is still support for the legitimate theater.