Since I "work" from home, a couple of the guys at G:TB asked if I was planning on Live Blogging the UEFA Champions League Final between the Premiere League's two most despicable teams, Manchester United and Chelsea. Well, I hadn't planned on it but, why the hell not? I'm going to be watching the game from my couch so I might as well offer my pithy observations on said game. A few years ago, I did this and the game turned out to be a classic. Of course, Jerry (who had yet to embrace soccer) made the comment that this game being considered a classic is one of the many reasons why soccer wasn't a sport he or many other Americans could love. I suspect he'd have a different opinion now that he's become a fellow Arsenal supporter ( I use this phrase loosely) after his prolonged stay in England a year or so ago.Its tough for many Americans to understand just how big a deal tonight's game is for soccer fans all across Europe, but its an event that dwarfs our "Super Bowl" in both hype and viewership. Combine that with the fact that this game boasts two of the world's most deadly finishers in Cristiano Ronaldo & Didier Drogba and you've got something along the lines of a Colts-Pats matchup in the AFC Championship. Does this make Wayne Rooney the equivalent of Marvin Harrison and Michael Ballack into Randy Moss? I don't fucking know. I'm just trying to make this a little easier to understand for TJ. I know, good luck with that.
Anyway, I hope I've sufficiently Americanized (aka: dumbed down) this for you guys. Hey look, just writing about soccer brings out the previously dormant snobby Brit in somebody. One more thing, because you can't trust Russians to do anything right (save for the occasional revolution) it sounds as if the turf in Moscow tonight may rival the turf from the Dolphins-Steelers Monday Night game in Pittsburgh from last year. That should make for some high scoring, exciting action (sarcasm alert) and thus millions of unemployed Americans who'll use this game as an excuse to never watch another soccer game again. Hey, at least Clarence Seedorf is broadcasting this game in three languages. That'll draw in the common man. Oh, fuck it. Its soccer. You love or you don't. Join me...in the comments.
119 comments:
I'm folding laudry...feel the excitement.
I didn't read your intro at all, but I saw my name, so thanks. Soccer is boring and gay. Now entertain me.
There's the UEFA Cup Final and there's also something like the Champion's League final....which may have already happened.
Also, it's in Moscow. There's going to be a lot of English tourists getting ripped off, beat up and maybe even killed.
Its good to see that American sporting events aren't the only ones that drag out the game's beginning with inane and endless pregame bullshit.
Is Yakov Smirnoff there?
"You have such nice things in the U.S.—like warning shots!"
Its technically the UEFA Champions League Final and you win the UEFA Cup. I mentioned that it was in Moscow in the intro. Thanks though Greg.
And yeah, they'll be some murdered Brits tonight for sure. More than likely the majority of them will be Man U supporters what with the fact that Chelsea's owner is Russian and thus they'll be plenty of Russians rooting for Chelsea.
He's reffing the game TJ. He's being paid in cigarettes.
Essien playing in the back for Chelsea is a bit suprising.
So one of these teams is owned by a rich shady Russian and the other is owned by the Glazers?
man, the pre-game pageantry is every bit as gay as the super bowl's. maybe these soccer folk are on to something.
Who the fuck starts a game at 11:45 pm? Europreans are weird.
if i ever win the lottery, i'm hiring tommy smyth to follow me around and say pithy things.
i believe it's 10:45, but your point stands.
Yes TJ. Sadly though, the Super Bowl doesn't have its own gay anthem like the Champions League.
"In the Navy"?
If I win I'm hiring Raftery. i'll hire Smyth for you Rob and we can hang out together.
You know, soccer players universal love for hookers is really underrated.
And Seedorf is fucking brutal in the booth already.
I wanna pay somebody like Greg to go out one night with headgear liek Peter Cech is wearing.
I'm hiring Norm MacDonald.
if smyth says 'onions' during this match in any context, i'm sending mark a bottle of jameson's.
(fingers crossed)
y'think ashley cole is at least a little embarrassed to be seen in public right now? what with his whoring and puking and all.
No chance. Whoring is practically a badge of honor in soccer.
I never knew Dave Roberts doubled as a soccer sideline reporter. That speed must come in handy.
Wow, great pass to Ronaldo and then he follows it up with amazing footwork. Tremendous skill.
Another nice play by Ronaldo...
i was thinking more of the vomit-induced performance anxiety.
Yeah, thats probably a bit of an embarassment.
Whoa, Scholes took a pretty good shot to the head.
why makelele? clarence doesn't understand.
The yellow was deserved for Scholes there, he threw a late elbow. I don't know about Makelele though. That seems like an NBA-esque double technical to keep things under control.
I'm looking forward to the 2nd half without Seedorf.
so much for his shutout streak.
There we go...Ronaldo does it.
That was a great play all around. Hargreaves and Brown set that up beautifully with the two man game and Ronaldo timed it perfectly.
timed it perfectly and placed it perfectly. no chance to stop that.
van der saaaaaaaaar.
Wow, great header by Drogba and one hell of save.
cech!
Okay TJ, you gonna tell me the last 45 seconds wasn't exciting? Three (maybe four) great saves total on either end of the field.
if soccer was always like the last 10 minutes, americans might actually switch the channel from dancing with the stars to watch it.
get out of my head, mark.
Van Der Saar was great and then Cech goes and completely overshadows him with two fantastic saves.
Thats the problem though, you have to sit through prolongerd stretches of back and forth midfield action to get something like we're seeing right now and often it still never materializes. Unless you appreciate some of the finer points of the game (or at least attempt to) its tough to engrossed by the game.
If I could see the action, maybe I could agree...but I am not by a TV.
teves needs to finish that.
Chelsea dodged a bullet there. Sloppy D.
Yeah, surprsing that he couldn't get to that.
Chelsea has been completely outplayed but they could be right back in it if they finish this.
Nope...
van der saar's gonna want that back.
ferdinand, even more.
Wow, thats an inexcusable goal to give up. Ferdinand lost concentration late and it really cost ManU.
ManU has to feel like shit to go in tied after how badly they outplayed Chelsea in the first half. The goal is big period but the pyshcological effect it has is probably even bigger.
We've had an "indefatigable" and "incandescent" in the last 30 seconds. Nice.
This game is, predictably, getting a little chippy.
and a 'niggling' from tommy. careful, mate.
big, strong guy like drogba falls down like my 4 year-old. booooo.
whoa! drogba.
Drogba!!! So close...
I've kinda got some shit to do fellas. You think we could get a goal before extra time?
never mind the ballack.
Chelsea's controlled possession for much of the 2nd hafl but there execution near the box has been putrid.
Good Lord, Drogba is a whiny little bitch.
Ryan Giggs breaks the ManU appearances record. Jerry's tearing up somewhere...
Let's go to overtime or whatever you ninnies call it...now I can watch.
I never understood why UEFA wouldn't employ Golden Goal in the Final. What an amazing level of tension that would supply.
Extra time, TJ.
Chelsea's logo features an upright lion holding a staff. ManU's logo features an upright lion holding a trident (or maybe a hayfork).
and your shoulder features an upright Lion...
Its amazing that Ronaldo isn't completely gassed at this point.
These guys all have funny names.
Yes, John Terry is hilarious. Hell of a header to preserve the tie by him, by the way.
Is the douche from the razor ad on either of these teams?
Its a good thing for Carlos Tevez that he's so immensely talented b/c he's phenomenally ugly.
Thierry Henry? No, he plays for FC Barcelona. He spent much of his career at Arsenal, who are the other perenially top team in the Premier League.
Extra Extra Time...sweet.
Tevez might play harder than any player in soccer.
Also, I can't blame Chelsea but I really hate when teams start playing for penalty kicks.
Ahh, soccer fights. Lots of yelling, followed by a few shoves and then more yelling as players back away.
Drogba with the slap. He should've got a red card for being such a pussy.
Its tough to tell on TV but its really fucking pouring in Moscow...
Ryan Giggs...the transgessor. NBA announcers could learn a thing or two from soccer announcers.
PKs it is. Not my favorite way to end a game but it can be awfully exciting.
This is certainly better than Around the Horn...but then again, an enema is better than Around the Horn.
Rob, Tommy Smyth just called the net the "onion bag"...I think thats close enough. I'll be sending you my address for that bottle.
Ill take your word for it TJ.
yup, he sure did. well earned.
Ronaldo choked his last PK. This should be interesting.
Uh...
What. an. asshole.
how does one ship booze across state lines?
Why does Ronaldo think that stop, start bullshit is gonna be effective. No need for gimmicks, son.
By mail, and plastic peanuts?
poor ronaldo, left to take solace in the world's hottest women, a fistful of blow, and a bottle of louis xiv.
Wow I just heard guys cheering in my bldg on that one.
jameson's or bushmills?
Van Der Sarr has come awfully close twice now. tough luck.
Little bit of pressure here for Terry, huh?
ohhh, terry deserved so much better than that.
Ho-lee. Shit.
Jameson's, which might be what Ronaldo is sending Terry after that kick. Well, either Terry or the grounds crew. Tough break.
See, soccer's not all bad TJ...
See, soccer's not all bad TJ...
That goalie should do the Cassell big balls dance.
Van Der Saar was due...He played the PKs as well as you can ever hope a keeper will.
i hate the idea of the shootout, but i love the finality of it.
TJ got me there.
Rob, is that what you looked like after the big save you made during your college intramural game?
ronaldo, you selfish bastard. go celebrate with your teammates.
exactly so, except roughly a foot shorter. it's an awesome feeling.
I feel the same way Rob. Pretty exciting stuff.
Nice to see Ronaldo not be the goat there. No way ManU is where they ended up in UEFA or the Premiership without his extraordinary season.
he really is a spectacular talent.
Good point Rob, it was a bit selfish but he may just have been thanking God for saving his ass.
And I can only imagine that feeling. i've hit a few buzzer beaters in my day and thats the greatest rush I've ever experienced.
With Ronaldo, Rooney and the like, its a good night to be a hooker in Moscow.
That Drago guy is a real douche for getting tossed huh?
ahl
Yep, can't lose your cool that late in a match that looks sure to go to PKs. Shades of Zidane in the World Cup final.
at least zidane made a man's contact. drogba's slap was embarrassing.
Indeed.
Pretty cool little platform setup that they have for the Champions. Way cooler than doing it on the field.
And man, do I feel bad for Terry. Like you said Rob, he deserved better than that.
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