Did you miss me?

I assure you that I’ve been super, duper busy these past few days at work. Okay, that’s kind of a lie. I was busy yesterday and half of Friday and the early part of today. Besides that, well, I was doing all kinds of useless shit around the house for most of last week since my office was closed due to a massive construction and renovation project that is still ongoing. As in, right this very second. I wish I was joking about this. At any given moment there are all types of drills and hammers and such making ungodly noises within my previously quiet office building. Have I mentioned that everything is covered in dust and half my shit is sitting in a POD outside in the parking lot? No. Well, yeah, that too. Needless to say, its not the most comfortable work environment I’ve ever been a part of. (And I used to do collections for a glorified loan shark in the ghetto. Seriously.) However, if this is the sacrifice I have to make for 4.5 days of free vacation…well, I say we tear this mother down and start from the ground up. Basically, this intro is just another in a long line of excuses from me on why I haven’t written in a while. I was going to write a post about the LSU game this weekend but the loss was still too fresh and too painful on Monday morning to dive right back into an in-depth analysis. Whatever. You all saw it. Florida played well. Les Miles coached like he was playing a game of Madden (Five fucking 4^th down conversions). The defense tired out and couldn’t make one more play to seal the victory (which there were numerous opportunities to do) and eventually LSU’s experience and homefield advantage won out. I’d say LSU didn’t deserve the victory, but that is horseshit. Hell, Florida probably didn’t deserve to win a couple of games last year but none of that mattered when they were hoisting the National Championship trophy in January. College Football is about one thing: Survive and Advance. That maxim applies this year, maybe more than any in recent memory. One more thing: Last year I coined a nickname for TB Kestahn Moore (there are many inside nicknames that have been concocted between myself and the two guys I watch most Florida games with, Vitas and Sink) that has withstood the test of time. Sadly, in the midst of his finest game as a Gator, his nickname once again proved its genius and staying power. The nickname? Smiley McFumbles. I’m sure you can guess where the last name comes from. As for the first, well:

Let’s just move on before I get all pissed off again.

In the history of fantasy football, I don’t think anybody has ever had a worse day by both of his QBs than I did on Sunday. After weeks of seeing Jon Kitna put up obscene numbers I finally broke down and started him. He responded by posting a whopping 11 pts. Of course, the guy I benched in favor of Kitna, Matt Hasselbeck dropped an identical number. I could’ve started Cleo Lemon and ended up with more points on Sunday.

I know a lot of people who claim to root for all the Florida teams in college football so long as the game doesn’t affect their team in any specific way. These people are a bunch of soulless assholes. I root for Miami to lose every time they play. Florida State could be playing the 1972 USSR Olympic Basketball team (Why are they playing football? Because I’m stoned like I’ve been doing gravity bong hits with Michael and Marcus Vick, that’s why) and I’d openly root for the commies to blow out FSU and break Bobby Bowden’s kneecaps. I didn’t used to feel this way about South Florida. In fact, I always rooted for them. Their ascendance was a sign of the undeniable level of gridiron talent throughout the state of Florida.

That is, until people started talking as though they were a legit national title contender. So, you can imagine my excitement on Saturday as I watched the new darlings of the sports media struggling with the Fighting Schnellenbergers of Florida Atlantic in what looked like my high school’s stadium. South Florida would eventually go on to win but not before the Mighty Owls (that’s their real nickname) shot a shit ton of holes in the “South Florida is the best team in Florida” theory that’s been working its way through the media lately. South Florida is a good team with a very underrated defense and a QB who should be playing at an SEC school. They are not, however, anywhere near as good as they are being made out to be. When they lose to Rutgers in two weeks and you make a ton of money taking Rutgers and the points you can send me a thank you note. And by “thank you note”, I mean a bottle of Jager. Of course.

Finally, before I finish up I’d like to ask each of you to pour a little liquor out tonight for the greatest name in the history of the fullback position, Mack Strong. May you have a long and fruitful career working with Mr. Marcus and Byron Long at your new production company in Van Nuys, CA. You’ve earned it Mack, you’ve earned it.

The cover to Mack's first feature: Pro Balls: Hawaiian Style