Five Things I Learned on Hard Knocks

As I’m sure most of you know, HBO has brought back the mini-series Hard Knocks, which follows a select NFL team through the always exciting (read: horribly mundane) weeks of training camp. This year’s version follows the Kansas City Chiefs who, if you ask me, are destined for a record somewhere near 5-11 due to the fact that they have no QB, a traditionally awful defense, a holdout star running back and a completely overrated coach. So why should NFL fans bother watching you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. Hard Knocks isn’t just about football, its about learning. Here are five things I learned by watching last weeks premier episode of Hard Knocks.

Women are needy: Brodie Croyle’s wife is hot, which is good since she has a predictably thick and unbelievably annoying southern accent. She’s also extremely needy. When asked how marriage was, she replied (I’m paraphrasing), “Its wonderful. Its just really nice to have somebody to hang out with 24/7.” Really? Having to hang out with somebody (anybody) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week sounds like my own little version of hell, even if that person came equipped with a bottomless keg full of cold Sierra Nevada growing out of their back. Alright, I guess that would be pretty cool. I guess my point in mentioning this is that I doubt Brodie feels this way. In fact, I’d venture to guess that the only 24-7 Brodie would prefer to hang out with his wife for is the 24 minutes and 7 seconds per day they are in coitus. He’d probably be okay with her mouth being duct taped shut for the remainder of the day too. Honestly, I don’t think Mrs. Croyle is that different from most women. Think about it, women can’t go five minutes alone in the car without calling a friend of theirs. That’s really what marriage is all about for women (I mean besides gifts, diamonds and everybody telling them how beautiful they are), a playmate. Mrs. Croyle unwittingly let me in on the secret of women’s obsession with marriage. They just want somebody who HAS to hang out with them.

Its cool to dance like a gay in Ft. Wayne, Indiana: Don’t believe me? Take a gander at one Bernard Pollard showing us all, “how they do it in Ft. Wayne.” I think we should all thank the NBA for moving the Pistons to Detroit. Seriously.

Jared Allen loves to get drunk and play Guitar Hero: I didn’t actually see him drinking while playing Guitar Hero but I did see him drinking O’Douls at dinner (Dude, try some prescription painkillers or something if you’re that desperate) and rocking out on Guitar Hero so hard that he was playing behind his head (Note: You do NOT get extra points for this). It’s my guess that at least one of Allen’s DUI’s was a result of him playing Guitar Hero whilst driving drunk. I can’t blame him really. If I had a Wii in my car I’d play that when I drove drunk.

The Chiefs drafted defensive players named Turk and Tank: I like the theory at play here. Turk and Tank just sound like football players don’t they? Beyond that, I’m fairly familiar with the exploits of these two from their collegiate days and both were capable and athletic defenders who should become productive NFL players. Sadly, I don’t think I can say the same for Chiefs defensive coordinator Gunther Cuningham. After listening to Cunningham throughout the first episode I get the distinct impression that he drafted both of these guys simply because, “Their names just sound like a guy who’ll kick somebody’s ass.” Hey, you don’t get a defense like KC’s just by scouting alone.

Herman Edwards has the art skills of my girlfriend’s 5 year old daughter:Good god, did you see the “Welcome to Training Camp” sign Herm designed for his team’s arrival at Camp? I’ve seen better art at the Special Ed classes I used to tutor. Okay, that’s a lie. I never actually tutored a Special Ed class. I was supposed to, but the school was right next to a bar that had a happy hour that started at 2. What am I, made of stone? You know what I think happened to that sign? I think Edwards started off the sign and then realized his markers were scented. Next thing you know Herm was high on markers, glue and white out and prank calling Tony Dungy pretending to be Ken Cuniff from Connecticut. Eventually, he just got one of the janitors at UW-River Falls to finish the sign for him.

Make sure you tune in to this week’s episode where Carl Peterson explains how, after a three day meth binge, he and Pete Stoyanovich came up with idea for the Chiefs mascot. I mean, there has to be some explanation, right?