I'll see you in HELL July!!!

I have, like I assume many others, been bored out of my mind recently. Each night seems to be a fruitless hunt for something worthwhile to watch on TV. Each weekend day a constant fight to keep from drinking one’s self into unconsciousness before sundown. Why? Because it’s fucking July, that’s why. July is undoubtedly the most excruciatingly boring of any month of the year. Sure February sucks, what with the sudden absence of football and the deepening of winter’s grasp on us all but it could never, ever compare to the mind numbing boredom produced by July.

Honestly, I don’t mind February that much. I live in Florida so it’s never really “too cold” to go outside. Besides that, the college basketball season begins to heat up as conference races take shape and teams fight for spots upon the proverbial bubble. Hell, even NBA All-Star Weekend is a welcome sight for one who enjoys basketball (or any extremely bastardized version of such) as much as I. July, on the other hand, completely and totally sucks. After the patriotic debauchery of the 4th, what’s left? Not much as far as I’m concerned. Baseball is still a little too far away from the playoffs to inspire much excitement. Honestly, would anybody pay as much attention as they do to baseball if there were any sort of alternative sport to divert our collective attention? Highly doubtful. Don’t believe me? Take last year’s World Cup for example then. Despite soccer being, at best, a secondary sport in this country nearly everybody I knew took some level of interest in the goings on in Germany. Some people even “became” soccer fans as a result of last year’s World Cup (cough, Simmons, cough). So, I ask you, was last year’s World Cup so exciting that it finally opened the eyes of people across the country to the merits of “the beautiful game” or were sports fans so hard up for meaningful competition, of any sort, that they latched onto the closest thing they could find with neither apprehension nor trepidation?

You see, that’s what July does to sports fans. It bleeds us dry. Football (real football, not practice) is still over a month away, baseball is hitting the point of separation (where many fans officially, mercifully even, have zero hope of their franchise nabbing a playoff spot) and the NBA supplies little, save for a hodgepodge of rookies, has beens and never-will-bes running about in its various summer leagues. (Note: I love the Summer Leagues but realize I am in the extreme minority as many sports fans now refuse to even watch regular season NBA games, much less the retarded Panamanian step-child of the NBA: The Summer League). There’s just nothing out there this time of year to capture and hold my attention (and many others’) for anything longer than the average length of a youtube clip.

As I write this, I can practically hear some hippie telling me that I should be outside enjoying nature and basking in all its splendid glory rather than searching for reasons to stay glued to my couch. To that I say: Have you seen my couch? That, kind sir, is glorious. Why would I leave this thing just to go get all sweaty? It’s July for christ’s sake and it’s like 105 degrees outside. Go pick me some mushrooms and we’ll see about spending an afternoon outdoors with good ole Ma Nature. Until then, I’ll be planted on my glorious fucking couch playing NCAA ’08 until my thumbnails bleed.