Free Booze: The reason for the season

Who else is excited about Christmas? Anyone? Okay, who else is excited about having the next five (or more) days off and getting embarrassingly drunk for most of that duration? Alright, that’s better. As it is for many of you out there, today is my last day of work. I have to work for a couple of days late next week too, but those days won’t be much other than an exercise in some early morning drunk driving. Hey, I don’t want to break the law but I’m a dedicated employee who’s willing to do whatever’s necessary to make sure the glue stick factory I work at maintains maximum efficiency during the holidays. I mean, these horses aren’t going to slaughter themselves now, are they?

With all that said, I’m going to limit today’s post to some minor items that have been on my mind lately, as well as a short discussion on the beauty of Xmas parties.

Xmas parties are awesome. Sure, they can get awkward and most of us would much rather be drinking by ourselves, I mean, with friends but can you really get too bent out of shape about free booze and food? I hope not. Like many of you, I’ve had to attend a number of Xmas parties in the last couple of weeks. While I won’t get into a discussion of the dynamic of Xmas parties or specific details about all the parties I’ve attended, I’d like to draw special attention to a couple of the more stellar parties I’ve been to during this blessed season. First, special thanks go out to my girlfriend’s family for inviting me to their restaurant’s Xmas party this past Sunday. It was…awesome. It was a pretty low key atmosphere with no more than about a dozen people in attendance. Which worked out well since the party basically consisted of free beer, wine, booze and lobster. Boatloads of lobster. I’d say that I ate approximately 5 lobsters on Sunday night. I could’ve eaten more, but I didn’t want to be rude…to the eggplant rollatini that was sitting right next to the lobster. So, I also knocked back about three servings of that as well. I can’t really describe how fantastic it is to eat that kind of food for free but trust me, its really fucking spectacular. I highly recommend dating Italian girls whose parents own fine dining establishments.

While that party was fantastic, it still pales in comparison to my friend Dave’s parents’ party. Well, not the party as much as the after party. Dave’s parents’ party is always an event. His parents are booze hounds of the highest order so it goes without saying that there is always an open bar at their Xmas party. As if that weren’t enough, his parents also happen to be swingers. Yes, you read that right. As you can imagine, this generally leads to some high quality people watching at said party. This year was no different. In fact, it was one of the better years for scoping the ridiculous antics of drunken 40-50 year olds. However, it was all merely a prelude to what awaited us later in the evening.

I like to call Dave the “King of Bullshit”. He’s not so much a liar as he is a chronic embellisher. Everything Dave says is usually at least 25% grander than the reality. So, when Dave informed us he had rented a limo and secured us the VIP section of a local gentleman’s club (for free!), I was skeptical to say the least. However, when 10:30 rolled around on Saturday night, I walked out of Dave’s parents’ house to see a stretch Excursion pulling up in the driveway. Before I knew it, 10 of us were on the road and heading toward a night that can best be summed up by the words of our friend Carl, “Somebody’s going to jail.” Luckily nobody went to jail, though a few guys came close at one point. Within minutes we were walking into the club to see a VIP section reserved for us and three bottles of Grey Goose with our name on it. The rest of the night is quite a blur. I do know that I insisted on buying numerous shots of Jager despite the presence of free booze for all in our party. I also remember telling the girl that our friend Kurt brought with him (What?) to the club that she was a slut, but that I meant that in a good way. I have no idea what that meant but it seemed to go over much better than you’d expect. After that, it’s all one big black and white montage (I become color blind when drunk) of clear heels, bad music, liquor, meatheads and my friends doing enough lindo coffee to kill a water buffalo. Which is probably why Kurt told me I “bailed early” despite the fact that I didn’t go to bed until nearly 3:30 am. You can say a lot of things about my friends but you can’t say they aren’t in the Xmas spirit. I mean, just think how many toys they bought for all the children of those good young mothers that night. So, after all this rambling you’re probably wondering why I told you all of this. Well, because I have my office Xmas party today and I guarantee you it won’t be half as fun as either of these. Not even close.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s a smattering of other random things that I wanted to touch on:

- If you don’t know who Jake Scott is (I didn’t either) then take 15-20 minutes to read this article by David Hyde that ran last week in the South-Florida Sun Sentinel. It’s a great article on an extremely interesting and unique former athlete.

- I don’t generally watch BET, not since they stopped using that computer animated girl named Cita to introduce videos. However, my new favorite show is on the channel that I’m not supposed to and you ought to give it a look see over the holidays. If you love stories about crime, drugs and murder (my personal holy trinity) then you’ll really enjoy American Gangsta.

- I’ll be the first to say that Pacman Jones is an awful, awful human being. However, he also happens to be a damn fine corner and return man. He’s as responsible for the Titans late season surge as Vince Young is. So can somebody tell me how he doesn’t make the Pro Bowl in any capacity? Please? Anybody? I defy you to find me five better corners in the AFC.

- I’ve made it clear in this space over the last few months how much I enjoy Marcus Thomas’ ability to play football. I’ve even said that I hold no ill will toward him for his dismissal from the Florida football team. I’m not quite sure what I think about him now but I know that he comes off as immature and petty in this article.

- Speaking of the University of Florida football team, they secured a commitment from the nations #1 QB, John Brantley, yesterday. Brantley’s father and uncle (now a Gator broadcaster) played for UF in the 70s and Brantley was coached in high school by former Gator QB Kerwin Bell. Despite these strong connections to Gainesville, Brantley originally committed to Texas this summer. Well, after months of speculation, Brantley finally changed his mind yesterday and committed to Urban Meyer and Florida. Brantley has been named the Gatorade Player of the Year and dominated the annual Elite 11 camp this summer, bringing home numerous awards, including the Leadership award, Most likely to be successful at the next level and Most likely to win a National Championship as well as camp MVP. Interestingly enough, Texas stole a QB commit from Florida last year when Jevan Snead (who’s now transferring to Ole Miss) broke his pledge to the Gators in favor of his home state Longhorns.

Finally, Florida takes on Ohio State on Saturday in basketball in what will be Greg Oden’s first exposure to high level competition at the collegiate level. I have no idea what to expect from his game (other than Dick Vitale, uggh). It should be extremely interesting to watch the interior matchup of Oden vs. Noah & Horford throughout the game. Its definitely the highest profile big man matchup that the college game has seen in 15+ years. However, I think the game will be decided by the guard play. Both Taurean Green and Lee Humphrey have been up and down this year while Mike Conley, Jr. is possibly the nations most underrated freshman. If the Gators pressure D can force Conley to play at a faster pace than he wants and force some turnovers then Florida will win on Saturday. If not, OSU will end up pulling away late and winning by, possibly, double digits.

Unrelated Topics Vol. 1

I was this close (imagine my fingers being really close together) to not posting today. Between the combination of having to get our monthly publication finished up and off to the printer as well as a general malaise toward writing anything of substantial merit this afternoon, well, I just couldn't seem to motivate myself. That is, until I decided that I'm too goddamned important to be bothered with trivial things like "deadlines" and "meetings". Seriously, what's my name, Toby? No sir. That's my Mexican brother in-law's name and, for the record, he thinks your deadlines are complete and utter bullshit too. Though, to be fair, he's lazy and very fond of something he calls "siestas". ( I think its some sort of themed Mexican party).

Anyway, since it's Friday and I'll be cutting out of this popsicle stand early this afternoon, I figured I'd put together a little post to help me (and you) waste some valuable company time. Here goes:

Lakeland HS:

These are YOUR National Champions of High School Football for the second consecutive year. Not only did they accomplish that rare feat this past weekend, they also managed to win their 45th straight game and 3rd straight 6A Florida High School Championship. That is embarrassingly impressive when you consider that Lakeland High is a public high school in a town of just under 90,000 residents, and that they did all of this in the most talent rich football state in America.

Just like the previous two years, Lakeland took on St. Thomas Aquinas in the state final. However, unlike the past two seasons, Lakeland had to dodge a bullet in order to capture their crown. Leading 35-7 going into the 4th quarter, Lakeland watched as St. Thomas's offense came alive, while their special teams kept the ball from Lakeland's powerful run game by recovering three consecutive onsides kicks. Before it was all said and done, Lakeland would need two OTs and a stop on 4th and goal at their own 1 yard line in the second OT in order to capture both the state and national championships. It was one of the greatest high school games that I've ever seen, replete with Division I talent all over the field for each team. To be honest, I didn't think that Lakeland would be able to hold on once the game moved into OT, but the Dreadnaughts showed an extraordinary level of guts and pride by continuing to fight until the game's very last play, when three different Lakeland defenders combined to bring down the ball carrier six inches from the goal line.

As I've mentioned here before, Lakeland has six, possibly seven, players who'll be suiting up for Florida next year. I'm excited about each and every one of them, but there's nobody on that team or, possibly, in the entire Gator recruiting class that excites me like Lakeland RB Chris Rainey. He's small and, some say, too light to be an impactful palyer at the collegiate level but there's no denying that he is a special player who has skills that cannot be taught. For further proof, look at the stats from his final three high school games: 68 carries, 878 yards, 10 TDs. Those are eye popping numbers no matter how you slice them. However, when you consider that these numbers were posted in the quarterfinals, semifinals and finals of the playoffs of Florida's largest high school classification level, they become the stuff of legend. Will Rainey be a star at UF? Who knows? Am I willing to bet against him proving critics wrong once again? Not a chance.

For more on the state title game, check out this diary from Lakeland's Twin O-Lineman (and Gator recruits) Maurkice and Michael Pouncey.

Orlando Magic:

I had planned on writing a pretty comprehensive post about the Orlando Magic earlier this week. However, between getting sick and the Magic beginning to look like the wheels are gonna fall off, I've decided to sit tight for a week or so. They've lost 5 of 6 ( 5 of which were at home, no less) and are battling some injuries on the perimeter. Turkoglu and Bogans are both out with ankle sprains and Grant Hill is wearing down after having to play an inordinate amount of minutes on the Magic's recent six game road trip. That's left the Magic playing with a lineup that has included the likes of Travis Diener, JJ Redick (who looks positively scared on the floor right now) and Bo Outlaw simultaneously. This is not the stuff that Division champs are made of. Hell, its not even the stuff that Final Four teams are made of.

It's far too early to panic, and frankly, the Magic are still a ways ahead of what most had predicted for them at the season's inception. However, the Magic cannot afford to waste many more in the manner in which they have recently (like, say giving up 23 pts to Andrea Bargnani, for example...Darko you are killing me.) by losing games against sad sack teams like the Raptors and Bobcats if they plan on getting Dwight and the rest of his young teammates some valuable post-season experience this spring.

One random NBA note: The Raptors have to be the whitest team since the mid-80s Celtics. Sure, they're not "white" technically since they're all Euros, but that doesn't change what your eyes perceive when watching the Raptors on the floor. For much of the second half on Tuesday, the Raptors had a lineup that consisted of: Jose Calderon, Jorge Garbajosa, Rasho Nesterovic, Bargnani and Morris Peterson. I'm willing to bet thats the first time in Mo Pete's life that he was the only black guy on the floor for his team. Just a guess.

Adam Morrison:

Prior to last June's NBA Draft when analysts were throwing out every race friendly comparison for Adam Morrison you could think of (Larry Bird, Rick Barry, Randall "Pink" Floyd) I kept thinking that he reminded me of one particular player so much that I was somewhat shocked that somebody hadn't at least thrown the comparison out. Of course, when you consider that its illegal to compare athletes across races, it makes much more sense. You see, that whole "breaking the law" thing matters to panty waists like Tim Legler and Stephen A. Smith but not to me. I've broken enough laws in my life to do three consecutive life sentences in an Albania prison, so does it really matter if I tack another charge on? Hell to the no. With that said, here it is, the best Adam Morrison you've ever seen (or heard): Glenn Robinson.

Think about it: Both are 6'7", marginally athletic and completely unstoppable on the collegiate level. Despite their reputations, both are more scorers than shooters. As for their shooting, both are far more effective from mid-range than from beyond the three point line. Both struggle to create shots off the dribble for themselves due to a lack of footspeed and ballhandling ability. Neither brings much anything else to the table as both are below average rebounders, defenders and passers. There's not a player I can remember in recent NBA history whose skills and body match up more identically with Morrison than Robinson. It's uncany actually.

Fantasy:

Jerry wrote an interesting piece on fantasy football earlier today. It was certainly better than Geoff writing about his weight loss contest (By the way, isn't it only women who go out of their way to lose weight for weddings? Evidently not anymore...fag). When it comes to breaking down statistics and applying them to logical sports discussions, Jerry's one of the best I've read. He should really get paid for it. Good luck on that one Jerome.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my fantsy season. It's been pretty successful as I am currently in the playoffs in two of the three league's I participate in. However, I can't take much credit for my overall success. I drafted pretty well. At least I thought I did. That was before both my starting QBs (for the two playoff leagues), Trent Green and Matt Hasselbeck went down with multi-week injuries. Combine that with some subpar production (Now an annual event!) from my receivers and I was quickly looking at a disasterous year in Fantasyland. That is, until I ran headlong into some of the finest waiver wire work that I've ever been a part of. It's not often that you can have multiple high impact free agent pickups in a single fantasy season, but that was exactly the case this year. As Jerry stated in his post, its either luck or skill (depending on your point of view) that determines your run in fantasy football. Whatever its called, it has certainly worked in my favor this year. Just look at this list of in-season pickups I've made this year. Mind you, this is two team worth of pickups:

Drew Brees

Vince Young

Rex Grossman

Maurice Jones-Drew-Griffith-Joyner

Ladell Betts

Travis Henry

Devery Henderson

Chris Henry

I don't care what you say, that's an impressive haul right there. You may look at some of those names and call me lucky. To that I say, go ahead, as long as you call me as lucky while kissing my fantasy dominating ass.

Feeling the flow...

You'll have to excise my lack of correspondence this week. You see, it's really hard to type when you're floating on air. I've been wanting to write something about the Florida Gators and their amazing ride to the National Championship game but (as Jerry has said numerous times), its a lot harder to write positively about a sports team than it is to write negatively. Too much positivity always seems to make you come off like some jock sniffing 12 year old who hangs out by the bus lopp for autographs. Now, I may be alot of things (alcoholic, furry, Cheez-It enthusiast) but a jock sniffer is definitely not one of them. So, with that in mind, I'm not even gonna try to talk about it right now.

Most of you watched the SEC Championship game (or at least watched the highlights) so there's really no point in me recapping that, especially a week after the fact. Futhermore, it's awfully early to engage in a National Championship game preview since the game isn't for another month. So where does that leave me? Right here, sitting at my desk, trying to think of soemthing worth writing today. Only, I can't think of anything to write about today or, more appropriately, of anything that I feel like writing about today. It's Friday, I'm hungover and I have an awards luncheon to attend in a couple of hours. So you're just gonna have to cut me a break this week. There's nothing worthwhile coming from me today. Not even close.

One last thing: I'd like to wish a "Happy Birthday" to the Orlando Magic's Dwight Howard. The NBA leader in rebounding (13.2) and dunks (56) turns 21 today. 21... just think about how scary he'll be in a few years. Anywho, Dwight's gonna be busy playing the Pistons tonight (and loving him some Jeebus) so I say we all go out and get drunk in Dwight's place tonight.

All things Florida.

You’ll have to forgive the delay in posting over the past couple of days. I had originally planned on writing some stuff on a certain team currently leading the NBA’s Eastern Conference. However, I have decided, in the interest of perspective, to hold off on any further examination of said team until the conclusion of their west coast road trip late next week.

For today, I’ll stick to some analysis of the University of Florida’s Men’s Basketball and Football teams, respectively.

Florida Basketball

Last weekend’s game between Florida and Kansas was one of the better November basketball games that you’re ever likely to see. While it lacked seamless execution at times, it undoubtedly featured as much (or more) NBA level talent as any game you’re likely to see in college basketball this year (or any year, for that matter). While I was mildly discouraged that Florida lost, I quickly began to see the loss as a positive. That feeling only increased as the days have passed this week. Losing to Kansas is not a “bad” loss, no matter how you slice it. Furthermore, when you factor in the huge “home court advantage” that Kansas had while playing in Las Vegas, as well as the fact that one of Florida’s most important players (Corey Brewer) was playing with mono at the time the loss becomes even less significant in the overall picture for this team. At the risk of sounding revisionist, I’ll even go so far as to say that I’m glad that Florida lost this game. Playing against a team of Kansas’ talent will go a long way towards showing this team that it is not as talented as they have been led to believe by most people since last April. If anything, this loss should prove to UF that they are only one of a number of teams who have the overall talent needed to capture the NCAA Title this year. This realization should go a long way toward upping the overall intensity of this team on the defensive end. Defense and unselfish play is what catapulted Florida to the NCAA Title last year. Without similar intensity on the defensive end this year, no level of talent or chemistry will bring this squad another ring.

Perhaps most importantly, this loss allows Billy Donovan to coach ‘em up (as another former UF employee once said) without worrying about whether or not his lessons are falling upon deaf ears. The longer that UF had remained undefeated this season, the louder the praise of this team (both collectively and as individuals) would have become and, consequently, the more difficult Donovan’s job of building this team would have also become. As it currently stands, Donovan should be able to mold this team in a less pressurized environment than before while also using the game against Kansas as a way to impart his wisdom on this team about the unique task it has in front of it. It’s easy to talk about defending a title but, we all know, it’s a far different thing to actually go out and do that on a nightly basis. Any dfending champion, especially one filled with 19 & 20 year olds, is going to be somewhat unprepared for the intensity, emotion and effort that they will face from each and every team on their schedule throughout the year. Florida’s players have admitted as much in the days following Saturday night’s loss. Now that the undefeated season is lost, Donovan can go back to task of building this team with an eye toward March. After all, that is what matters in college basketball isn’t in.

One last thing: Corey Brewer’s bout with mono should also prove beneficial to this team. While the Gators cannot win without Brewer in the lineup, his absence will allow freshmen such as Dan Werner and Jonathan Mitchell increased playing time while also giving sophomore Walter Hodge a chance to show his improvement from last year. By the time Brewer returns, Donovan will have a much better idea of what he has on his bench, which will prove crucial during the SEC season.

Florida Football

Has it really been six years already? The last time the University of Florida played in the SEC Championship game, I was still but a lowly undergrad, living in an off campus apartment with one of the sloppiest female roomates in the history of time while simultaneously dating two different girls. An awful lot has happened to both myself and Florida Football in that span of time. Too much to recount here, that’s for sure. Suffice it to say, both have changed for the better (Well at least Florida Football, as for me…I’m not so sure). What’s the point of all this you ask? There is none, other than to say: It’s been a very, very long time since the University of Florida was able to play for a conference title. For a school which seemed to compete for the SEC crown every year during the 1990’s, this dry spell has been both unwelcome and unsettling. There was an entire decades worth of UF students (myself included) who considered it their right to play in Atlanta each December. For this group, tomorrow has been a long time comin’, and now it seems as if tomorrow will never come. (Seriously, how am I expected to make it until 9 pm tomorrow night without having a nervous breakdown? McFadden is so very frightening.)

As for the actual game, well, I don’t know what to think at this point. On paper, it seems to line up in Florida’s favor. Florida’s offensive strength is the passing game, led by a senior QB and a fleet of talented WRs. Arkansas struggles to stop the pass and plays almost exclusively man-to-man defense in the secondary. While I have no doubt that Arkansas has talented corners, I have yet to see a group of corners in the country who can consistently cover Florida’s receivers when the Gators spread the field. On defense, Florida excels at stuffing the run (though it’s been less dominant since the loss of DT Marcus Thomas) while Arkansas’ offensive success is almost entirely dependent on its ability to run the ball with their two talented tailbacks (Darren “Night Terrors” McFadden and Felix Jones).

For further proof of this, one need only look at Arkansas QB Casey Dick’s line from last week’s loss to LSU, 3-19 for 29 yards. Those numbers aren’t just bad, they’re atrocious. Even my retard, excuse me, “slow” 12 year old cousin doesn’t put up numbers that bad on All-Madden Level…and she’s got no thumbs! Looking at those stats, It would seem that Florida need only stack the box and stuff the run to win this game. However, Arkansas’ rushing attack is so dominant that it seems able to thrive with or without any hint of presence from the passing game. Much of the reason for this is Arkansas’ use of McFadden at QB in a package OC Guz Mazahn calls “Wildcat” (He is, apparently, a big Goldie Hawn fan). This package allows Arkansas to get both McFadden and Jones in the same backfield while also supplying either back with an extra blocker. The first time I saw this package in use was Arkansas’ thrashing of Tennessee a few weeks back. I was so frightened by the prospect of this use of the already beastly McFadden that I immediately called my friend Vitas and instructed him to change the channel so that he could see what I was seeing. After he did this we both sat silent on the phone for a few minutes staring at our respective TV screens in abject horror before we both finally cursed a few times and hung up.

Florida obviously must stop the Razorbacks’ rushing attack to win this game, but they must also avoid giving up big plays in the passing game to Arkansas WR Marcus Monk when he’s locked up in man-to-man coverage. While none of Arkansas’ QBs strike much fear in my heart, Monk’s size and physicality are imposing enough to allow them to throw up jump balls that can take advantage of a defense stacking the box with 8 or 9 guys. So what have we learned here? Other than that I have a healthy fear of Darren McFadden, probably not much. In light of that, I present you with a few of my “Keys to the Game” ( I totally made that up just now. I know, I’m awesome)

Reggie Nelson: I said it last week and I’ll say it plenty more over the next few weeks. If there is a better, more impactful defensive player in America, well, I’d like to see him. Nelson hits like a truck and has the closing speed of, um, something with amazing closing speed. His play in centerfield will be key for the Gator defense. He needs to be able to provide some run support while still being able to get over to the sidelines and defend the jump balls that Arkansas seems so fond of. Furthermore, an early pick and/or decapitation will go a long way toward making Razorback receivers a little more reticent to go up and chase deep balls.

Steven Harris: A starter at DT last year, Harris was suspended for much of the fall camp due to some personal issues (read: siring bastards like his name is Greg). As a result, Harris has played unevenly for most of this year. However, he played his finest game of the year (and probably his career) last week against FSU while lined up at NT. If he can continue to play at that level and get some push against Arkansas experienced O-Line (four Senior starters) it will go along way toward slowing down the Hogs’ run game.

Linebackers: Both Earl Everett and Brandon Siler are still recovering from ankle and knee injuries, respectively, but they will both be called upon to keep McFadden and Jones from consistently breaking into the second level against UF. This will be the best rushing attack either of them has faced this year and it will be incumbent upon them to fill their gaps and wrap up on the Arkansas backs as missed tackles by them will lead to huge gains for the Razorbacks. Additionally, Brian Crum must continue his improved play while SS Tony Joiner will also have to be strong at the point of attack and record a number of one-on-one tackles as he figures to be lining up in the box on a consistent basis tomorrow.

Dan Mullen & Chris Leak: Make no mistake about it, Florida is going to have to score over 20 points to win tomorrow night. I’d even go so far as to say that they need to score 25+. To do this, Leak will have to play one of his best and most consistent games of his career. Florida cannot afford to have an entire quarter of offensive futility in this game. Leak needs to convert a high percentage of his passes while taking as few “negative” plays as possible. Most importantly, Leak needs to be a steady presence in the pocket who goes through his progressions and steps up to make the correct throw in the face of pressure. This has been a problem at times for Leak this year. He’s seemingly made progress lately, but will face his greatest test yet tomorrow when he faces a fast and physical Razorback defense. Florida’s O-Line is banged up and will not be able to consistently give Leak enough time to convert third and longs and if he can’t check down for 3 and 4 yard gains when the defense gives them to him, the Gators will find themselves in some very difficult offensive situations.

To avoid these scenarios, not only will Leak need to be both efficient and accurate, OC Dan Mullen will need to have a gameplan that is flexible and well thought out. By flexible, I mean that he needs to stick with what is working and/or trash what isn’t. While this sounds simple enough, Mullen has struggled to find consistency in his play calling through a combination of a need to involve all his playmakers and an itch to get cute or tricky in key situations. Mullen must avoid the temptation to call an option run (among other gimmicky plays) inside the opponents 30 when short passes and screens are what’s gotten him down there. Additionally, Mullen must also not be afraid of continually going to some of his more experienced playmakers, guys like Dallas Baker, Andre Caldwell and DeShawn Wynn. Finally, Mullen needs to have a handful of plays that he and the team are prepared to run in various 4th down situations. The time has come to admit that Kicker Chris Hetland is irreparably damaged and is incapable of hitting anything outside of a chip-shot FG and, further, admit that the Gators’ best chance at points from 30-15 yards out is to attempt to convert and continue driving through their opponents’ territory. To do this, Leak will, again, need to read Arkansas and find the open receiver. There will be open receivers in these situations, the key is identifying them and executing.

If you haven’t already guessed, I’m extremely pumped and nervous for this game. So much so that I’m thinking I need to get dirty, stinking, piss yourself drunk tonight, if only to slow my brain activity and keep me unconscious for at least the first couple hours of tomorrow afternoon.

I'm not sure how I'm going to make it until tomorrow night, but I'm willing to be the solution involves me watching this at least 27 times.