Marks Musings: Drunk and Stupid

Yep, I'm fucking old.

2008-06-05T10:49:00.002-04:00

As I've progressed in life there are often times when I realize just how much I've advanced in age. I'm not yet at the point where this is a regular occurrence but when these moments do take place, they hit me like a ton of bricks. Today would be one of those moments. You see, I'm going on a cruise today. Only its not the kind of cruise that normally springs to mind when you think of a 30 year old drunkard. No, I'm going on a Disney Cruise. Thats right, Mickey, Donald and the whole goddamned cast of jew hating characters will be frollicking about with me and approximately 400 screaming, whining little shits.

This cruise was a Christmas present from my parents to our entire family, and since each of my sisters and there husbands are all firmly entrenched in familial existences, and my girlfriend has a daughter as well, the 'Rents thought it'd be a swell time to get the whole family together for a cruise. Ugggh. Don't get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews and I love the rest of my family. I adore my girlfriend and her child. What I don't particularly care (read: loathe with extreme prejudice) are the children of other people and/or the presence of pasty white tourists. With that said, I'm guessing my hate sensors will be on overload over the next few days as I wade through a sea of just these types of people. Under normal circumstances I'd simply say "fuck it", grab a drink and head to the casino. Unfortunately, Disney Cruises don't have casinos (Are you fucking kidding me?) and I'm doubtful that the assembled staff members look kindly upon binge drinking.

So, here I sit...bags packed, smile plastered on my face with the hopes that this "vacation" turns out better than I'm anticipating. Wish me luck. God knows I'll need it.

I'm a man! I'm 30?

2008-05-30T16:01:00.002-04:00

If you've ever wasted any of your time around these parts you're probably well aware of how unbelievably immature I am. Either because you know me personally, or because you've bothered to read a post or two. Even when I'm writing seriously, or seriously for me, about sports this space is still often filled with ill-timed jokes and frequent profanity. I'd like to think that I'll evolve from this at some point in my life but, as it currently stands, it doesn't seem very likely. By the time you reach your 30s you essentially are what you are, for better or worse. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being me (save for the ever increasing power of my hangovers) its just that every so often I'm reminded of just how juvenile and immature I am. Yesterday was one of those days. I stumbled upon this site, and laughed like a little schoolgirl for the next 10 to 15 minutes. Its a sad commentary really. Clearly all it takes is the frequent and innapropriate use of profanity to make me laugh. I guess its good that all my kids live at least one state away...for all of us.

While I'm on the subject of immaturity, I figured I ought to post the trailer for the new Will Ferrell movie. Now, I know his last couple of movies have been formulaic, lazy pieces of crap but I've got a good feeling about this one. Maybe its the chemistry he shares with John C. Reilly, maybe its because I just spent fifteen minutes on borderbangers.com. You decide.

Okay, thats an awful lot of proof of my immaturity, not that you really needed any. Anywho, to show you I'm not a complete and total waste of space and $50,000+ in education (I guess thats debatable either way) here's the trailer for the new Chuck Pahlaniuk movie, Choke. The book was amazing, but I'm probably not the most unbiased critic when it comes to Pahlaniuk's work. I'd read anything that he writes, especially if its a book about a sex addict who makes money by faking that he's choking on food in swanky restaurants. I mean, who wouldn't find something like that interesting? Oh right...this paragraph was supposed to help prove that I am mature. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

The sincerest form of flattery...

2008-05-23T13:29:00.002-04:00

Growing up, I never really understood why people went away for Memorial Day (and Labor Day) weekend. Of course, a good deal of this confusion could be attributed to the fact that I grew up 5 blocks from the Atlantic Ocean. There's no reason to travel to sunnier, sandier locales when you reside in one that extremely sandy and sunny. As a result of this, these truly American holidays, as well as the traditions that come with them, were often lost on me. I don't recall a single memorable Memorial or Labor day weekend from my youth. In fact, I can't say I recall any until the last 5 or 6 years when I reached the age of homeownership for me and my friends. At this point, I had moved back to my childhood home (or very near it) so there were no trips to the beach. Rather, the beach was once again down the street (literally) and the weekends were spent on the beach, and later near a pool with lots of booze, food and friends. So, you see, I'd like to tack on the G:TB's Memorial Day weekend travel guide here but there will be no traveling for me.

Instead, my girlfriend and I have decided to throw our first real barbecue since we moved in together last June. (It was really her decision, but who am I to stand in the way of something that allows me to get hammered on the homefront?)

We have a pool, a grill and a group of friends with a propensity for binge drinking so we might as well do the good old American thing and have a Memorial Day shindig at our place. Plus, I've grown tired of monitoring my drinking during the afternoon hours of these Monday holidays, lest I find myself too incapacitated to drive home. This scenario works out much better for me. My girlfriend's the more masterful griller, my bedroom will be a few shorts steps away and the guests will be bringing all sorts of delicious foodstuffs for my continued consumption throughout the day. It should be a grand time. At least until one of my friends throws up in our pool.

However, I don't want to make it sound like I'm not doing anything to ensure this party will be a fun-filed afternoon for all involved. I'll be pouring plenty of shots throughout the day and I've secured some fine entertainment as well. Behold...

I don't see anyway that this isn't one of the greatest Memorial Days ever.

Live Blogging a Soccer Game? Sure, why not?

2008-05-21T14:02:00.003-04:00

Since I "work" from home, a couple of the guys at G:TB asked if I was planning on Live Blogging the UEFA Champions League Final between the Premiere League's two most despicable teams, Manchester United and Chelsea. Well, I hadn't planned on it but, why the hell not? I'm going to be watching the game from my couch so I might as well offer my pithy observations on said game. A few years ago, I did this and the game turned out to be a classic. Of course, Jerry (who had yet to embrace soccer) made the comment that this game being considered a classic is one of the many reasons why soccer wasn't a sport he or many other Americans could love. I suspect he'd have a different opinion now that he's become a fellow Arsenal supporter ( I use this phrase loosely) after his prolonged stay in England a year or so ago.

Its tough for many Americans to understand just how big a deal tonight's game is for soccer fans all across Europe, but its an event that dwarfs our "Super Bowl" in both hype and viewership. Combine that with the fact that this game boasts two of the world's most deadly finishers in Cristiano Ronaldo & Didier Drogba and you've got something along the lines of a Colts-Pats matchup in the AFC Championship. Does this make Wayne Rooney the equivalent of Marvin Harrison and Michael Ballack into Randy Moss? I don't fucking know. I'm just trying to make this a little easier to understand for TJ. I know, good luck with that.

Anyway, I hope I've sufficiently Americanized (aka: dumbed down) this for you guys. Hey look, just writing about soccer brings out the previously dormant snobby Brit in somebody. One more thing, because you can't trust Russians to do anything right (save for the occasional revolution) it sounds as if the turf in Moscow tonight may rival the turf from the Dolphins-Steelers Monday Night game in Pittsburgh from last year. That should make for some high scoring, exciting action (sarcasm alert) and thus millions of unemployed Americans who'll use this game as an excuse to never watch another soccer game again. Hey, at least Clarence Seedorf is broadcasting this game in three languages. That'll draw in the common man. Oh, fuck it. Its soccer. You love or you don't. Join me...in the comments.

I'd like to invite the Spurs to...go fuck themselves...

2008-05-16T16:46:00.002-04:00

I realize I went over this just a post or two ago but last night was yet another example of why the San Antonio Spurs are bad for basketball. They flop endlessly, they complain constantly and, for good measure, they dole out cheap shots against the instrumental players of their opposition. Now, I've heard some people today say that Robert Horry's pick on David West wasn't a cheap shot and, well, I think those people are completely out of their minds. Why exactly was Horry setting a pick in that situation? Watch the Spurs play and let me know if you ever see that pick and placement used within their offense.

I think you're going to be searching for some time. Its yet another in a long line of examples of why the Spurs are the only team that isn't a rival of my favorite teams who I fucking hate with the white hot passion of a thousand suns. Sometimes, I forget how much I hate them and then something like last night's game happens and I remember all over again. I refuse to believe that the way this team plays is coincidental. They are coached to play in this manner. Does anybody remember Horry being a noted cheap shot artist during his days in Houston or L.A.? I certainly don't. Of course, he gets to San Antonio and now he's fucking Vinnie Jones. It all comes back to that arrogant douche Poppovich. Yet another reason why I'll never trust a man who prefers wine over beer or liquor. Its unnatural, like his god damned cratered face.

Yeah, thats good solid defense alright Mark Jackson. Please. Sure, thats what "defense" is quickly becoming in the NBA, because the league and its officials refuse to do anything about the serial flopping that occurs in each and every Spurs game but thats not the way defense is supposed to be played. That's acting and bullshit.

If there's a God, I'll get to meet Bruce Bowen one day. And when I kick in the fucking knees he better go flying back 30 feet like I shot him with a Desert Eagle. A night in jail will never feel so satisfying.

Thanks TJ...

2008-05-02T09:31:00.004-04:00

TJ brought me much joy to me this morning with his comparison of cartoon hero He-Man and frequent devourer (?) of heroes, Dana Jacobson. With that in mind, I though it only apropos to post my favorite all time Separated at Birth...Cavaliers Coach Mike Brown and my second favorite all time McDonald's character, Grimace.

Flop, Cry...Reward...

2008-04-30T16:53:00.004-04:00

Let me say something before I get started here. I love basketball. Truly. I watch basketball of all forms on television. I play in 3 separate basketball leagues. On those days when I'm not playing in these leagues, I have a regular group of 15-20 guys with whom I play pickup basketball. Some of my friends and family may even tell you that I play/watch too much basketball. This love affair with basketball is precisely why I hate the San Antonio Spurs.

Don't get me wrong, the Spurs are both an immensely talented and well run team. However, they are also a team full of whiners, floppers and cheap shot artists. (Okay, that last one was primarily directed at Bruce Bowen but I'm pretty sure Kurt Thomas isn't fully free of guilt here either). As I sat watching the Spurs take down the Phoenix Suns late last night, I found myself intensely rooting for Phoenix. Or was it against the Spurs? Upon further reflection, it was most certainly against the Spurs. I have no reason to root for Phoenix but I cannot stomach watching what the Spurs continually get away with their actions. On two consecutive possessions last night, Tony Parker and Tim Duncan went flying to the floor without any contact from the opposition. Of course, both of these flops were rewarded with foul calls. Fouls that were charged to Amare Stoudemire and Shaquille O'Neal, respectively and changed the very tenor of the game. While Parker and Duncan each do their fare share of flopping they aren't even close to the most egregious violators of my basketball sensibilities. Manu Ginobili acts as if he's been shot nearly every time there is even the slightest bit of contact and is consistently rewarded by the referees. He's a great player, one of the truly underrated guys in the NBA but his style of play overshadows his talents and somehow makes him less of a star in my eyes. He's certainly not the only soccer-esque flopper in the NBA, just the most frequent and highest profile.

I've officially reached my breaking with both this team and flopping in the NBA. ( I consider the Spurs the primary reason flopping has become so pervasive.) The amount of flopping on picks, drives to the hoop and scrums underneath basket has rendered many NBA games virtually unwatchable and most Spurs games downright infuriating. These antics take away from the game and rewards players who look for an easy way out. The Spurs aren't the only team who do this, just the most successful. When you combine their style of play with the constant stream of incredulous looks they display whenever a foul is whistled on them it makes me want to reach out and punch their leader, Gregg Poppovich, in his pocked marked face. Some may say that the Spurs are merely engaging in gamesmanship and taking advantage of every opportunity afforded them. I say that they're borderline cheating and, most certainly, disrespecting the game.

To this team and organization, winning is the only excuse they need to attempt underhanded tactics (see: The unbelievably lopsided Kurt Thomas trade, which was executed with the assistance of former employee, Seattle GM Sam Presti. Which doesn't even begin to discuss the manner in which they employed the Hack-A-Shaq strategy in the Suns series). I can think of no NBA team that is more worthy of the public's scorn and venom. Yet, it seems as though only a few NBA fans care, or even notice, what this team has perpetrated upon the NBA. They have literally changed the way that the game is played and not for the better.

I'd like to see the NBA institute fouls for flops but that seems unlikely. I'd like to see the Spurs just play basketball and stop trying to find easy ways to win but that seems even less likely. More than anything, I want to see basketball played in a manner in which the most skillful and deserving team wins. Not because they know all the little, dirty tricks but because they outplayed their opponent. However, thats not where the NBA is right now and until something drastic is done its not going to happen anytime soon.

So, until that point I'll resign myself to rooting against the Spurs and for teams that at least attempt to play basketball in an honest manner. I'll sit on my couch, occasionally cursing the way this team plays and silently hope that the NBA, its referees and the fans will see this team for what they are...not just champions (because they undoubtedly are) but floppers and whiners deserving of our attention and shame.

It ain't quite football but its close enough...

2008-04-12T10:55:00.003-04:00

I was under the impression that any college football fan had already been made aware of the fact that ESPN is televising The University of Florida's Orange & Blue Game this afternoon. That is, until I received a bitter voicemail from TJ complaining about the recruiting advantages this allows the Gators whilst he cursed the name of Jeremy Foley. (Hey, we all get one of those...right Ron?).

Even though I'm a little disappointed that TJ somehow missed out on this news, I'm guessing he was knee deep in William & Mary practice reports, its still worth mentioning how utterly ridiculous today's broadcast is. It's one thing for a spring "game" (its a practice people) to be televised locally, or even statewide, which is commonplace in the south. However, its something entirely different for a game to be reaching all corners of our great country. As people much smarter (and gayer) than me are fond of saying, we're through the looking glass here. Its insane and somewhat inane that ESPN would deem a college program's glorified scrimmage as broadcast worthy, but thats where we as a college football nation have been heading lo these many years. And, I'm not one to stand in the way of progress...so I might as well add to the days festivities with a little guide of who/what to watch (with an emphasis on youth) for during today's celebration of Gator Football. (Note: Yes, this is just a practice. But a practice with a national television audience and 80,000 fans in the stands. If somebody can't handle the spotlight today, the odds on them delivering in front of hostile SEC crowds are slim).

OFFENSE

-Deonte Thompson: After redshirting last year, this former prep AA WR has been lighting it up this spring. He's amongst the fastest of all Gators and possesses some Harvin like moves with the ball in his hands. Hailing from the famed "Muck" (Belle Glade to be specific), much has been expected of Thompson since he signed with Florida. He's got a good chance to be UF's #3 WR this fall and big time performance today could go a long way toward making that a reality.

- Carl Moore: The nation's #1 JUCO WR is also expected to make a large impact on the Gator offense in the fall. Moore is unlike any other Gator receiver by virtue of his size (6'4", 220), speed and hands. He was slowed early by learning the Gator playbook but has come on in recent weeks. Think USC's Mike Williams in terms of size and potential impact in the red zone.

- Chris Rainey: Rainey's not going to be the workhorse back that Urban Meyer's craved since he set foot in Gainesville. However, he has the speed and moves to be a gamebreaker from the tailback position and ultimately take the Gator offense to the next level in terms of explosiveness. He's put on 15 lbs since last year when he weighed in at a paltry 155 lbs. Expect to see him break at least one run of over 30 yards. (Note: If you're betting on today's match races, take Rainey. You can buy me a drink with your winnings as a thank you).
-Emmanuel Moody (and/or Mon Williams): Here is where the Gators expect to find their workhorse back. Moody has struggled for much of spring adjusting to the spread and figuring out his individual responsibilities. However, the light has come on recently with Moody putting together a dynamite final week of spring. He's loaded with talent and ability, its a matter of him doing it when the lights come on in Gainesville, so today should be a good preview. Fellow texan Williams is coming off ACL surgery last fall but seems back to full speed. He's big, fast and has some moves to boot. One of these two will be the starter at tailback by mid-fall, well, if the Gators want to win the SEC then one of them better be.

- QBs (Cam Newton & John Brantley): You see, theres a chance Tim Tebow may get injured at some point in his career due to his proclivity for running headfirst into opposing defenders. As a result of this, a viable backup QB is essential for the Gators. Newton is a 6'7", 260 beast who actually dwarfs Tebow. He's got JaMarcus Russell like size and ability and, unfortunately, inaccuracy thus far. Brantley is a Gator legacy and was ranked as the best pure passer in the nation just two years ago. I like Brantley to grab the #2 spot right now.

DEFENSE

-Matt Patchan: One of the nation's top OT recruits, this early entry has played extensively at DT this spring with surprising results. New DL coach Dan McCarney loves his motor and size. He looks like he's got a shot to start his career over on defense. I've only read about his play in practice reports so I'm interested to see him in pads today.

- Safeties (Jamar Hornsby/Major Wright/Ahmad Black): Much was made of the Gators' corners inability to lock down receivers last year but, truth be told, the safeties may have been worse. Wright had a great freshman season but still has much to prove about his ability to play in space in the passing game. The other safety spot is wide open, and Jamar Hornsby and Ahmad Black are the leaders (at least until Will Hill and Dee Finley get to campus). Hornsby is an athletic freak who's just now getting healthy after tearing up a knee in high school and, thus beginning to make plays int he secondary. Black is undersized but is seemingly in possession of tremendous instincts and a thirst for hitting. If one of these two can play great today then they go into the summer as the leader.
-Carlos Dunlap: The biggest freak on a team full of them. He's 6'8", 290 and has blazing speed off the edge. The guy returned kickoffs in high school for Christ's sake. Florida needs to replace Derrick Harvey at one end and Dunlap has been the most dominant pass rusher for the Gators thus far in the spring. This is his coming out party, potentially.

- Defensive Tackles (Troy Epps/Torrey Davis): Florida has exactly zero proven DTs on their roster. Epps is a JUCO transfer who's played better as the spring has worn on. If he can make an impact on the line then the complexion of Florida's defense will change dramatically. Davis is the Gator's most talented DT but he's been an inconsistent presence during the spring due to his off the field issues. When he's on the field he can be dominant, he needs to prove that he get on the field and show a consistent effort level when he's there.

- Linebackers (Jeremy Finch/Lorenzo Edwards): One of these two guys will be starting at LB for Florida in the fall. Both are extremely young, athletic LBs who've been making tons of plays this spring. Finch was slowed by a broken leg during last year's game vs. Tennessee. Edwards redshirted in order to put on some much needed weight. At this point, I'd give Finch the edge based on his experience from early last year and his pass coverage skills but Edwards may be Florida's fastest LB.

So there you go. Erin Andrews is back at her alma mater, the stands are packed and I'm half drunk. Let's play football.

My flava's good, my flava's good!

2008-04-11T13:57:00.002-04:00

Holy Shit! Max Kellerman once tried being a rapper? And he was signed to Ruffhouse Records? How has it taken so long for me to find this out? I mean, I always had some suspicions about his musical leanings, based on the beard and all but still. This. Is. Awesome.

Do you know what would happen if somebody got Max and Ric Flair together to record a single? My head would explode from the heretofore unseen levels of awesome. This is literally the only thing that could take my mind off of tomorrow's telecast of the Orange & Blue game. Well, almost the only thing.

This just in...

2008-04-07T15:51:00.002-04:00

I'm a fucking genius. You see, thats what happens when I correctly pick the National Title game in my bracket. I get a little sold on my wisdom and intelligence. Unfortunately for me, I'm also a damned idiot and, honestly, the idiot shows up much more often than the genius. So despite being the only person amongst 25 or so people in my pool to pick tonight's Kansas-Memphis matchup, I'll be taking runner-up honors and getting exactly $0 for my trouble.

Oh well, at least I can point to my NBA Fantasy team being in the finals of the Wheelhouse/G:TB affiliated league as further proof of my limitless basketball knowledge. What? Oh, I lost to Slater this past week? And now I have to play TJ, who renames his fucking team every other week?

Wow, this is a little embarassing. I mean not nearly as embrassing as this , but still. How about we just get to tonight's game. Although there's a ton of really intriguing individual matchups tonight (Dorsey vs. Kaun, Rose vs. Kansas' 3 headed PG), the one I'm most interested in is Brandon Rush vs. Chris Douglas-Roberts.

I love CDR and think he's just as important to the Tigers as Rose with his size and ability to create off the dribble (Which is truly the basis for everything Memphis does on offense.) but he's yet to face somebody with the size & athleticism of Rush. If he can continue to efficiently score on Rush like he has all tournament, and year, long than Memphis will win. However...I think Kansas is just too deep along the frontline and Rush will make things tough enough on CDR to effectively slow down Memphis' halfcourt offense enough to win by 5. So that's it, its a 75-70 win for Kansas and Sasha Kaun yanking Bill Self's rug off his head in celebration.

Nice Pink Sweater BOB...

2008-03-28T14:33:00.005-04:00

In keeping with the theme that I've created on this here blog. (That I'm a mess and have little ambition or follow through to speak of.) I've decided to scrap the second half of the 20 Things Ive Learned So Far in the NCAA Tournament. Shocking, I know.

Instead, I've decided to work some of these thoughts into picks for tonight's games. If you read the last post, which is doubtful, you already know to pay zero attention to the actual picks here. I'm guessing, completely and totally, but I do watch and play a shit ton of basketball so there's something to gain here if you can sift through all the bullshit. Or not. Lets just get to the picks.

(3) Wisconsin vs. (10) Davidson: I've made it clear how I feel about Dell's kid, as well as Dell's mustache, in the last few posts but I think the Magic carpet ride stops here for the Wildcats, uggh, I hate that fucking nickname. There should be a movement in this country to strip teams of boring, overused mascots like Wildcats and Tigers. Jeebus H, put some damn thought into it people. I'll take a Dirt Worshipper or a Bullet anytime over a Bear. Annnywho, I like Rob's gay paramour Bo Ryan here on the strength of, well their overall team strength on the boards and, of course, because my cousin Travon plays for Sconnie. Badgers (now that's a fucking proper nickname).

(3) Stanford vs. (2) Texas: If I was an NBA GM in need of a big man, the fact that the Lopez twins openly talk of their love for all things Disney and that Brook plans to write a comic book one day would send me scouting in Europe immediately. Hell, I'd try and work a trade for Josh Boone before I'd waste a top 10 pick on that bitch ( I mean, his basketball hero is Arthur Lee. Yes, that Arthur Lee.). So, I guess its obvious I like Texas here...well, I do. DJ Augustin gets all the pub (deservedly so, he's the best point in the country) but AJ Abrams is a deadly shooter and Dameon James is probably the most underrated player in the country. Connor Atchley's shooting should bring one of the Lopez's out of the paint on the high screen and roll, thereby opening up the lane for Augustin to create. Texas' versatility and home support are too much for Stanford and Trent Johnson's quarter sized nostrils.

(12) Villanova vs. (1) Kansas: If anybody else is coaching Kansas, then aren't they a near unanimous pick as the country's best team? I say yes. I've also been burned a number of times by Senor Self in March so I'm speaking with a light wallet here, but still. Look at that roster: 3 talented, experienced bigs, the same goes for the guards and then you have 9th year senior Brandon Rush in the lineup who can play nearly everywhere. They are loaded. Unfortunately, Self probably was last night too. I'll take the Jayhawks over...yep, the Wildcats in a game where Scottie Reynolds doesn't have enough help to make Kansas sweat much. Fun matchup to watch tonight: Corey Fisher vs. Sherron Collins. Both are city pgs, NY and Chicago, respectively. Both undersized, stocky and extremely good off the dribble. Who knows how much they go head to head tonight but when they do, it should be fun.

(Random notes: Scottie Reynolds has to be the least athletic, great player in the country. Watch him play tonight, he's not overly fast or big, he doesn't jump so well and doesn't really look the part of a big time collegiate guard in his on court movements. However, he's great at using different speeds and employing various fakes and pivots to get he and his teammates opportunities. Plus, his jumper opens up tons of lanes for him to drive. Sometimes his unorthodox game leads to some stupid turnovers but he brings far more to the table than he takes off it. A really unique player who's carried 'Nova most of the season.)

(5) Michigan State vs. (1) Memphis: The Big Ten should put special incentives in Tom Izzo's contract. I mean, if it wasn't for Izzo the Big Ten would've lost what little credibility it still has as a basketball power. (That Big Ten-ACC Challenge seems like a bad decision in retrospect, no?). Nearly every year this guy's teams play well above their head in March. Some writer was saying this week that its partially due to the fact that Izzo runs an NBA style offense with only a few sets/plays in the halfcourt and Big Ten teams are more prepared for them than any of the out of conference teams who they meet in the tourney. Sounds good to me. Also, its nice to contrast it against Calipari's offense, which is basically drive the ball and either (a) kick it out, (b) dump it low to a big, or (c) shoot. Seriously, that really is Memphis' offense. I don't think the simplicity matters tonight though. Memphis is going to throw a ton of long, athletic defenders at Drew Neitzel, and Kalin Lucas isn't going to light up Derrick Rose like he did Levance "Chubby Bunny" Fields. I'll take Memphis pulling away late and winning by double digits.

Twenty Things I've Learned So Far in the NCAA Tournament: Part 1

2008-03-26T13:21:00.006-04:00

Well, the first (though I'm not counting it) is that there's really no point in trying to predict the outcome of the individual tournament games. First off, everybody and their in-laws is doing it, and secondly, um, I'm just not very good at it, as evidenced by the two previous posts. So, with that in mind, here's the first edition of Things I've learned So Far in the NCAA Tournament:

1. Stephen Curry can/will be a good NBA player. I was of the opposite opinion going into last weekend. Simply put, because he's a small (for college) shooting guard with average athleticism, I didn't see how he could carve out a niche in the pros. However, after watching him for the last two games it's become evident that he's a better ballhandler than I'd previously given him credit for. In addition, he moves extremely well off the ball (like a smaller Kevin Martin). If he sticks around at Davidson for two more years and continues to improve his handle and strength, I could see him being similar to Jason Terry in the NBA. If not, with that jumper, he's at least as good as Jannero Pargo.

2. Duke needs to successfully recruit talented bigs. For all the talk about Duke relying on the 3 too much this year, two things stood out to me through their two tournament games. First, their inability to guard the perimeter...how else do you explain Joe Mazzulla (or Renfroe from Belmont) consistently driving the lane on them? Secondly, Coach K has to figure out how to recruit true big men with talent to Durham. Some may say, that he hasn't recruited for size in recent years, but that simply isn't true. In recent years, he's brought in stiffs like Brian Zoubek, Eric Boateng and Michael Thompson. None of these players have lasted/will last at Duke and the result is that Duke is trotting out players like Lance Thomas and Kyle Singler at the 4 & 5 much of the time. If Duke's going to get back to the top, they'll need at least one big time post scorer and defender (see: Brand, Elton or Boozer, Carlos) to complement the seemingly endless array of jumpshooters that Coach K lures to Tobacco Road.

3. Roy Williams is a douchebag. Actually, I've known this for quite some time. A decade to be exact, ever since Roy Boy had Eddie Fogler call out Billy Donovan for allegedly shady recruiting tactics in the recruitment of Mike Miller. Make no mistake about it, Williams is Bobby Bowden. A lying, deceitful coach who gets over on the media and gets a free pass from many fans with his "aw shucks", good ole boy antics. (Plus, he's pretty overrated when it comes to X's and O's). Was there any good reason for Roy to have his starters in while up 30 with 4 minutes left against Arkansas? Of course there was...Roy Williams is a douchebag.

4. Washington State is the one underdog who nobody really roots for. Sure, you'll root for Wazzu against UNC, but you can bet your ass that you'll be rooting against them in the regional final on Saturday. And you know what? I don't blame you. While their style may be successful and they truly are one of the few major conference teams that can be classified as an underdog, they're nearly as painful to watch as 2 Girls/One Cup. There's just not anything aesthetically pleasing about watching this team advance deep in the tourney. One Bennett coaching in the Final Four (Wisconsin, 2000) is enough for this quarter century, thanks.

5. The ACC is weak. I hate to admit it, but its true. Though I attended an SEC school and grew up in the south, I was raised watching ACC basketball. Back when ACC basketball was the very best the country had to offer. Sadly, that's not the case these days. Too many schools are up and down from year to year and too often the league gets a pass because people erroneously think that its top teams are elite nationally (Duke, UNC) and thus cause more parity in the rest of the league than we see elsewhere. Now, if Clemson doesn't blow that big lead to Villanova then maybe I'm singing a different tune this week (and my bracket looks significantly better) but there's no denying that the ACC is down, and has been since it sent both Maryland and Duke to the Final Four in 2001.

6. All assists are not created equal. To prove this, I point to the games played by Drake's Adam Emmenecker against Western Kentucky and Stanford's Mitch Johnson against Marquette. Johnson posted 16 assists in an OT win to Emmenecker's 15 in an OT loss, but to compare these two games is ludicrous. Emmenecker controlled the game and set up his teammates all day long while handling the ball 80% of the time. Meanwhile, the majority of Johnson's assists were nothing more than lobs into Brook Lopez from 20 feet away, like the pass that set up Stanford's game winning bucket. Futhermore, Johnson wasn't even bringing the ball up court during most of the second half on Saturday. Now, I'm not saying that Johnson didn't play well. He certainly did, and anytime you can notch 16 assists to just 1 turnover its certainly an impressive feat. However, Emmenecker was practically an instructional video for point guards during his brief tournament stay while Johnson was, well, a brief post feeding tutorial.

7. AJ Price sleeps with a black cat underneath a ladder. I have no idea if this is true, but it might as well be. The poor kid just can't seem to catch a break since he arrived on campus in Storrs. After suffering a brain hemorrhage that nearly killed him his freshman year, he fought through adversity and self doubt to emerge as the Big East's best PG this season. He was the reason (along with Thabeet) that UConn seemed poised to return to the national stage this March. Of course, Price tore his ACL while driving for a layup against San Diego. UConn lost and now Price has a summer full of torturous rehab ahead of him. Here's hoping he returns healthy and sans any stolen computers.

8. Its not just PAC-10 refs who want to collectively blow UCLA. I mean, come the fuck on? The no-call against Texas A&M was ridiculous. I genuinely think UCLA is a good team and have a growing man crush on Darren Collison, but, at some point I'd like to see them earn one without the benefit of a call (or no-call) during the crucial moments of a game. Furthermore, why is everyone so damned sure Memphis is the weakest #1 seed when UCLA keeps barely escaping losses in the past month? Is Memphis' free throw shooting that much more worrisome than UCLA's stagnant offense and late game luck?

9. JP Prince will never, ever play the at Tennessee point again. Bruce Pearl moved Prince, the SEC 6th man of the Year, into his starting lineup on Sunday against Butler in order to give his team more size and versatility and also because Ramar Smith has been increasingly inconsistent late in the year. And you know what? It worked out great...until the last 1:30 of the game. That's when having Prince at the point nearly ended UT's season. Prince turned it over on three straight possessions late in regulation, thereby allowing Butler to send the game to OT. Of course, Pearl chained Prince to the bench in OT (quite possibly literally) and Tennessee went on to victory. I don't think you'll see Prince running the point tomorrow night against Louisville, but I do think the lack of solid PG play will be what keeps the Vols from going to San Antonio.

10. Butler got hosed. This doesn't need much explanation. I mean, can anybody really say they think that Butler deserved to get stuck not only with a 7 seed, but also in the East? Maybe Billy Packer or Jim Nantz but those guys molest collies so their opinion ain't worth much. Sure, Butler could've won against UT if they'd made more FTs down the stretch in regulation, but they shouldn't have been in that position. They deserved at least a 5 seed, and probably higher. Its too bad one the best 16 teams in the country isn't playing this weekend because the committee didn't bother to look past RPI and SOS long enough to watch Butler play. We've come a long way in terms of the amount of respect mid-major programs receive but clearly, we haven't come far enough.

Fuck yo Bracket! Fuck yo Bracket!!

2008-03-20T10:05:00.004-04:00

With the first two brackets out of the way, we'll move on to the South and West this morning before the tournament kicks off in just over (wait for it)...two hours. Good Lord I'm excited.

South

Memphis vs. Texas-Arlington: The only intrigue in this game is whether or not Worldwide Wes will be on the sidelines. No way, Wes won't show up until at least the Sweet 16. Memphis.

Mississippi St. vs. Oregon: You couldn't have two more mismatched PGs than Jamont Gordon and Tajuan Porter if you tried. Gordon is a big (6'4"), bruising guard who thrives on bullying opponents in the paint while Porter is a midget (5'6") who is an absolute gunner. This guy takes shots that I wouldn't take in a pickup game. Gotta go with the SEC here.

Michigan St. vs. Temple: I have a feeling on this one, Neitzel's gonna struggle to get his shot and Dionte Christmas will introduce himself to at least 1/4 of the nation. Owls...Woo? Owls. (Wow, that was bad).

Pitt vs. Oral Roberts: Traditional tournament flameouts vs. a school known to hate flamers. Flameouts it is, Pitt.

Marquette vs. Stanford: Dominic James erratic jumpshot scares the shit out of me, but not quite as much as the incessant dribbling and questionable shot selection of Ramel Bradley and Joe Crawford. Marquette.

Stanford vs. Cornell: The Lopez brothers are waaay too big for the Big Red, at least I think thats what Cornell is called. No matter, its not like I'll have to remember the nickname for long.

St. Mary's vs. Miami: This game feels like a reverse upset. I mean, is anybody picking Miami here? No? Alright, me neither.

Texas vs. Austin Peay: I think Texas is going to go out early this year because they're too dependent on Augustin and Abrams. Just not this early.

West

UCLA vs. MV State: So who's looks dumber? Jerry Rice when he was still rocking dreads whilst on the Raiders or Kevin Love and his skinny beard. Love, of course.

BYU vs. Texas A&M: TJ hates the Aggies and, well, so do I. BYU's defense is too much in this one.

Drake vs. Western Kentucky: The Hilltoppers are underrated but they're running into an efficient and talented bunch from Drake who still feel they have something to prove nationally. Drake.

UConn vs. San Diego: I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid on the Torreros and their late season run. I mean, that could kill my bracket.

Purdue vs. Baylor: Everybody's rooting for Baylor, well, except me. Purdue's scrappy and Matt Painter is an underrated coach.

Xavier vs. Georgia: Fuck Georgia, there I said it. I rooted for them on Sunday (Going against everything I know and love) and there's no way I'm doing that again this decade.

West Virginia vs. Arizona: With all the talk they'll be about Chase Budinger and Joe Alexander in this game, Jerryd Bayless is the best pro prospect you'll see. He's also going to have plenty of time to start prepping for the draft after the 'Cats lose to WVU.

Duke vs. Belmont: Duke's not as good as they're seeded, but they're miles ahead of Belmont, obviously. If this is on your TV, then it might be time to start drinking.

So that's it. Those are all the first round picks. Unlike Jerry, I have actually won money in these pools before. In fact, I've taken first place twice in the past three years so, you know, I'm pretty awesome and you might want to follow my lead here. Actually, I wouldn't ever mimic anything that I do but I've got 30 years worth of hindsight to teach me that lesson.

Fuck yo Bracket!

2008-03-19T15:11:00.004-04:00

I've been trying to figure out how to approach an NCAA Tournament preview and, well, I can't think of anything. I blame some of this on the fact that the University of Florida isn't involved for the first time since my first year of enrollment in said university. Think about that, thats a long damned time for a school that had no previous basketball "tradition" and is quite an impressive accomplishment for Billy Donovan and Jeremy Foley. To say nothing, of the two consecutive national championships that have recently been won by Florida. However, all that shit means nothing this year. The young Gators were a thorough and complete disappointment late in the season and, frankly, I don't expect it to change tonight in the NIT against San Diego State. I'll watch and I'll root hard because I think a long NIT run would be extremely beneficial to this young and somewhat fragile (from a long term perspective) team, but I won't root quite as hard as the last ten years. That's the truth.

You know why? Because the NCAA Tournament is the fucking show. It's my favorite sporting event and these next two days are my favorite sports related days of the year. With that in mind, I'm going to break down each region...one at a time. I'm only doing the first round picks, because that's all we're getting for the next two days. Since we're proudly working with an east coast bias, we'll start in the East.

UNC vs. Mt. St. Mary's: I wish that guy who got kicked out of Virginia for stabbing somebody still played at MSM. I think he'd do a great job guarding Hansbrough.

Indiana vs. Arkansas: John Pelphrey's hair is fucking ridiculous. This things a blowout.

Notre Dame vs. George Mason: Nobody's talking about this but Luke Harangody vs. Will Thomas is one of the best individual first round matchups. I'm picking the white guy, of course.

Washington State vs. Winthrop: The Bennett family is certainly skilled at coaching a winning style of basketball, but good God is it boring. The sooner Wazzu loses the better for all of us, but it ain't happening here.

Oklahoma vs. St. Joe's: Blake Griffin is freak. He's an NBA power forward right now. I'll take him and go against the unexplainable love for St. Joe's.

Louisville vs. Boise State: First round games in Boise are awesome, its in the rules. Unfortunately first round games involving Boise St. suck. Expect to see a 20 point Cardinal win and 30-45 minutes combined of announcer love for David Padgett. Really guys? David fucking Padgett?

Butler vs. South Alabama: I wish that South Alabama had ended up with a different draw because they ain't winning this game. Butler gave Florida all they wanted last year and I think they're going deep this year.

Tennessee vs. American: David Aldridge went to American. Did you know that? Well, now you know half as much about American as I do. I'm sure we'll both learn more together as Tennessee shoots them out of the damn gym.

Now, its time to move on the worst place on earth...the Midwest, naturally.

Kansas vs. Portland St: Every time I watch Kansas I hope that JaRon Rush will come stumbling out onto the court like Shooter in Hoosiers. Maybe this is the one...Jayhawks.

Kent St. vs. UNLV: The Runnin' Unibrows don't have enough talent to beat an underrated Kent St. team.

Clemson vs. Villanova: I like Clemson. I mean, I really really like Clemson. They're deep, they're athletic and Oliver Purnell is an extremely underrated coach. But did you know their starting PG (Hammonds) shoots 43% from the line? That's positively Gottleibesque. It doesn't matter against a one dimensional Nova team though.

Vanderbilt vs. Siena: Not sure why, but I think Siena's gonna knock off a Vanderbilt team whose record doesn't show how inconsistent they were all year.

USC vs. Kansas St: The Wildcats aren't that good outside of Walker and Beasley. Tim Floyd's a great defensive coach who I think will slow them down. OJ Mayo and Davon Jefferson are the freshmen moving on here.

Wisconsin vs. Cal St. Fullerton: Have you seen Bo Ryan do the Soulja Boy? Now you have, Badgers.

Gonzaga vs. Davidson: I'm taking Davidson here against my better judgement. I think they're weaker than last year's team inside but Gonzaga's not exactly known for bullying people so I'll side with my memories of Dell Curry's mustache.

Georgetown vs. UMBC: I guarantee that the bigs at UMBC are saying the same things about Roy Hibbert as Geoff at the Wheelhouse does. Just like when Geoff says it, it won't matter a bit. Hoyas.

Oh yeah...special thanks to Blogger for all the technical assistance. I'll be back tonight with the South and the West.

Reunited...

2008-03-06T15:01:00.003-05:00

Over the past few years I've made numerous references to in this space to my litter of illegitimate children. While some may think I'm just talking shit in a (poor) attempt at humor, its the actually the truth. During my earlier years, I was a proud resident of Raw Dog City (Greg's brother Drew, whom many of you know, is the current mayor of RDC.) and thus, sired a number of bastards throughout the southland. I was always careful to keep these kids at least a state away to avoid any messy attachments that often arise when children wish to "reconnect" with their birth parents while also sending enough money to their respective mothers to ensure I would be without the myriad difficulties that may arise should these children choose to search for me on their own. While I went to many lengths to avoid contact with my seeds, its not as if I didn't keep up with their lives from a distance (like any self respecting rolling stone would).

Alas, I have lost track of a few of my brood in recent times as I've become older and more jaded. So, it was with a joyous heart that I watched yesterday as I discovered the first of my children (Tayquan) had not only matriculated to a four year university but had also acquired a few of his proud father's traits. Really, there's nothing like seeing your child become their own person. A person of conviction, a person of principles, a person who hates the University of Tennessee...

Spring is in the air...

2008-03-03T11:04:00.003-05:00

I had planned to put a post together about my impending visit to my former place of employ, Space Coast Stadium, to watch the St. Louis Cardinals take on your Washington Nationals (You're American, aren't you?) but then I received an email from Jerry berating me for being excited for what is nothing more than a well publicized scrimmage. And you know what, he's right...Spring Training, especially Spring Training at this stage of March, is nothing more than a bunch of still rounding into shape (see: Pedroia, Dustin), pampered athletes trying to not get injured while simultaneously working to impress the local stripper population with whom they share bodily fluids for the month's entirety.

There's virtually no chance I'll get to see Pujols or Glaus or anyone else of consequence on the Cardinals today and, as we've all discovered recently even Elijah Dukes hasn't worked himself into mid-season crazy just yet (Give it time kids, er, foster kids). So, I guess the best I can hope for is a John Goodman sighting, or maybe an on-field appearance by the recently retired Robert Montgomery Knight (I've seen both at this game within the past two years). Well, that and the chance to enjoy a few beers and some beautiful weather with my old man as we discuss what in god's name LaRussa is doing to this franchise as well as how long it will be until somebody puts a bounty out on Bryan Burwell's head. Even if Jerry doesn't approve, I'm still pretty excited at the prospect of sitting in a baseball stadium this afternoon. Finally...just because, well, Spring Football is getting awfully close...

Win and they're in?

2008-03-01T15:17:00.003-05:00

Unlike many sports fans, I don't subscribe to the theory that the NCAA Tournament renders the college basketball season meaningless. For some juggernauts, the early season matchups are relatively worthless, but for the vast majority of teams, quality wins are needed no matter where or when they fall on the schedule.

The University of Florida has presented both sides of this case within the past two seasons. When the Gators went on a late season skid last year, there wasn't a high level of concern amongst Florida faithful. Sure, Gator fans were worried about righting the ship in time for another run at a National Title but they never questioned whether or not Florida would receive anything other than a #1 or 2 seed (to say nothing of the lack of attention that most paid to the out of conference schedule). This year, however, has seen Billy Donovan trot out a new team almost entirely, and that new team needed to stack up wins in the early season in order to be adequately prepared for the struggles that would undoubtedly come in conference play for a team that boasts 4 freshman and 2 sophomores in its top 7. Despite some unexpectedly heady play by freshman guards Nick Calathes and Jai Lucas early in the SEC season, Florida's youngsters have struggled to fight through the fatugue that rough and tumble conference play often brings and, as a result, the losses have stacked up in the last few weeks.

So what does all this mean? Well, to put it succintly, Florida needs another win (or two depending on who you ask) to ensure their inclusion in the NCAA Tournament. For a team this young, the tournament experience cannot be understated with regards to building towards future success and that's why today's game against SEC West leader Mississippi State may be the most important game of any of these young Gator's lives. According to me, if Florida captures a victory today, they're in the tourney. With that in mind, I'll be liveblogging the Florida-Mississippi State game in comments here this afternoon. If you're drunk, bored or absolutely hard up for some quasi-human interaction, join me. I'll be the one with his fingers crossed.

Third times a charm...

2008-02-15T15:03:00.002-05:00

Once again, the eyes of the world, er, south have turned to Daytona for the annual running of the Daytona 500. And, once again despite the fact that I live and grew up a mere hour away, I could not give a flying fuck. Honestly, I've never been able to understand the fascination with any form of car racing, much less NASCAR. Its all so monotonous same and there are absolutely no athletes involved in this "sport". I mean, have you seen Tony Stewart lately? He looks like Carl from ATHF with a rug on his head. I remember flying back from San Diego this time last year and stopping to grab a beer during my layover in Atlanta. As I approached the nearest bar, there were people stacked three rows outside of the bar just standing and watching TV. I thought to myself, did the President get shot or something? (Not true, I thought to myself, "Fuck me, there's no way I'm getting a beer."). Shortly thereafter, I realized that the crowd was gathered to watch the late stages of the 500. That's how blissfully out of touch I am with NASCAR, I had no idea the supposed Super Bowl of Motor Sports was even on until I stumbled across this stunning array of slack jawed observers. Anyway, fuck NASCAR, fuck the Daytona 500 and while I'm at it, fuck Brad Daughtery. Even as a child I knew you were soft.

However, I wouldn't want you to leave these parts thinking I'm completely un-southern. Because, well, some shit did sink in over the years, and my youthful love of professional wrestling was certainly the first and most disturbing alarm bell that rang in my parents' brains. So, because I was told that good things come in threes once by a bum I handed two dollars to, here's some WWF goodness to chase down those shots of the Naitch.

Koko B. Ware was right, you see, love can feel like a piledriver. Hell, just ask those poor saps who had their marriage proposals shot down last night. (Happened to my Dad back in '69...My Mom can be a real bitch sometimes. True story). Preach on, Koko, preach on...

I can't help that I'm custom made...

2008-02-13T15:37:00.003-05:00

I have absolutely no interest in the congressional hearings that were conducted earlier today on Capitol Hill. In fact, I care so little that I willingly chose to watch First Take on ESPN2 rather than be subjected to that pointless shitshow (Choosing to listen/watch to Skip Bayless over something else is the ultimate indictment in my eyes). Basically, short of Clemens pulling a Col. Jessup, there was no way that anything definitive was going to spring forth from today's proceedings. It's a waste of time and I'm pretty good at wasting time all by myself, thank you very much.

I don't believe Clemens and I doubt I ever will, but that doesn't make him any different than hundreds (yes, hundreds) of other baseball players who ingested illegal drugs in order to gain a competitive advantage. Sorry, I just can't get too excited or interested in this, no matter how long it drags on. Now, these Ric Flair videos by Poodleface, well, that's something I think we all can endorse. Democrats, Republicans, midgets, hookers, midget hookers.

I just blew your mind for a second there didn't I? My bad, just sit back and late Naitch soothe your frayed nerves...

(Extra special shout to Arn Anderson for his appearance in the beginning of this video, the greatest wrestler ever to look like your next door neighbor/mechanical engineer)

WOOOOOOO!!!

2008-02-11T16:53:00.001-05:00

Most people probably aren't aware that I wouldn't be the man I am today if it wasn't for Ric Flair. When I was young, impressionable and alone on many Saturday mornings the only thing worth watching on TV was often NWA Wrestling on TBS. Growing up in the South, TBS was a ubiquitous cable television presence and NWA Wrestling was one of its highest rated programs. At least partially because, it's a really nice show to watch while you drink light beer before you switch to liquor for the NASCAR race/College Football game. Anywho, Ric Flair was undoubtedly the star of the early years of NWA Wrestling and, frankly, after listening to his delivery in this video, well, lets just say I'm not surprised.

If that weren't enough, the Nature Boy is also an unabashed Gator fan who was often on the sidelines during the Spurrier Era. So, imagine my complete an utter joy when I stumbled across this video on EDSBS. It's pretty much the most amazing thing I've seen since my last illegitimate child's birth. But I only saw that on a shitty camera phone so this probably rates higher. I'll just leave you with the video while I try to figure out how to get this thing on my iPod.

Ogling High School Seniors is a Billion dollar industry...

2008-02-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

As most of you are aware, yesterday was National Signing Day for College Football. Its become fashionable for people to say that they find the obsession with the collegiate destinations of high school athletes seedy and despicable, and while that's true, if you truly give a damn about your college's football future then you'd better be paying attention to NSD. As Ron Zook was/is fond of saying, "Its more about the Jesse and Joe's than the X's and O's". While this is a convenient excuse for a coach my roomates and I once dubbed Towlie (I have no idea what's going on) it's also quite true. You can be Bill Walsh himself, but if you have a roster stocked with 2 & 3 star recruits it's highly unlikely you'll be participating in any BCS Bowls on a regular basis. So, with that said, I'm going to go through some of the more notable events from NSD in bullet point fashion.

- Urban Meyer is a recruiting machine. It's true. He recruits earlier and harder than nearly every coach in the nation. His Friday Night Lights event at Florida transformed the way major programs evaluate juniors early on and has spawned numerous imitations throughout the country. A result of this is that Florida has often wrapped up nearly all of its class prior to NSD. This is a far cry from the days of Zook where it seemed half the recruits on Florida's board were still up in the air when the sun rose on NSD. Furthermore, Meyer's staff has continually rolled up top 5 classes during his tenure in Gainesville. After consecutive top 2 finishes each of the last two years, Florida fell to 3 or 4 this year. That's not an indictment on the class as much as it is a commentary on how class size affects rankings. Florida only had 22 scholarships available this year, as opposed to schools like Alabama, who signed 35 total players yesterday. The Florida recruit I'm most excited about? Glad you asked, its 6'1, 315 lb DT Omar Hunter from Buford, GA. He's the #1 or 2 DT in the nation depending on who you ask and also happens to be the second blue chip D-Line prospect that Meyer has stolen from Notre Dame in as many years. For the full list of Florida signees, click here.

- Randy Shannon has laid claim on South Florida. Of the many gripes that Cane fans had about Larry Coker, chief among them was his inability to lock down the nation's most fertile recruiting territory, Dade and Broward Counties. That was one of the major reasons why Miami hired Shannon. He's from Miami, he's black and he's recruited the area for years. Shannon pulled in nearly every recruit he targeted in South Florida this year, including every single prospect off National Champion Miami Northwestern. Expect to see as many as 10 of his 2008 recruits on the field and contributing next season. One thing to keep in mind about this class though: Miami signed 7, yes 7 linebackers in this class. Recruiting is about talent, but its also about filling needs. Unless Shannon's cooking up a heretofore yet unseen defensive alignment for Miami, this could prove to be a problem in the future.

- Pete Carroll laughs at every other coach in the nation. He's the best at recruiting. It's that simple. People may see that USC isn't perched atop the rankings like each of the past five seasons and wonder why. Thats simple, USC only had 15 scholarships available. Yet, even with such a small number, Carroll and the Trojans still managed to grab enough talent to sneak into the top 10 by grabbing blue chippers from all over the map, including pulling the nation's #2 ranked corner, TJ Bryant, out of Tallahassee Lincoln which has always been an FSU pipeline.

- Get ready to hate Nick Saban even more than you thought was possible. Saban followed up his disappointing debut in Tuscaloosa with the best recruiting class that the Crimson Tide has seen in a decade. That's easier to do when you don't need sleep like the other mortals who lead SEC programs. The state of Alabama was loaded with high school talent this year, more than anytime in recent memory and Saban got nearly all of them to stay home (save for William Green) and commit to Bama, including everybody's #1 receiver Julio Jones. I wouldn't expect this to be a one time occurrence. Saban brought LSU back to prominence by recruiting the ever living shit out of the South and there's absolutely no reason to believe this won't happen at Bama.

- Tommy Bowden has discovered a magic recruiting potion. You know what its called? Christianity. Seriously, Clemson...fucking Clemson pulled in the nation's #2 recruiting class despite the fact that Bowden's teams are an inconsistent, underperforming mess nearly each year. You know how he's done this? By using the same strategy that George W. Bush used to get reelected 4 years ago. When in doubt, stress you strict adherence to and belief in the good book. With people seemingly more beholden to their love of Jeebus with each passing year (especially in the South), Bowden has used this formula to convince loads of parents that their children are better off under his watchful Christian eye than anywhere else. (Who cares if CJ Spiller has been criminally under utilized during his tenure in Clemson). This sort of thing isn't new to the Bowden family, just tweaked a little to fit the our times. If you think I'm fucking around here, just read the quotes from Tiger recruits about why they chose Clemson.

- Fat Phil is running out of time...I mean you can virtually hear the clock ticking. Tennessee was once the SEC recruiting juggernaut and that allowed Fulmer and his staff to survive through what was often average coaching and downright negligent player discipline issues. However, times have changed in the SEC. The arrival of Mark Richt in Athens signaled the end of the Vols' annual pilfering of the state of Georgia and things have only gotten worse since then. The SEC is busting with high level recruiters (Meyer, Miles, Saban, Richt and more) and Tennessee has not enjoyed a run of tremendous on field success lately. That, with a return to the long honored Tennessee tradition of off-season malfeasance (UT players were arrested on two separate occasions while hosting recruits this year) and finally, the loss of ace recruiter Trooper Taylor to Oklahoma State resulted in a truly awful class for the Vols. Another poor SEC season with a couple embarrassing losses like this past year might signal the end of Fulmer's run in Knoxville. (Knoxville area Krispy Kreme owners are reaching for Xanax as you read this)

- The SEC is better than every other conference because it recruits better than every other conference. Don't believe me? Just take a look at the various top ten recruiting lists from Rivals, Scout and ESPN. They all feature at least 4 SEC teams, and often times 3 of those are included in the top 5. Jesse's & Joe's...

Finally...Greg has returned to the Dean Dome!!

2008-02-06T18:29:00.000-05:00

That's right, I'm back baby. I've thought about coming back on a couple of other occassions, but I relented because I felt like my last post should stay up for awhile as a testament to my unbelievable stupidity (Seriously, how could I have chosen Ohio State just a year after they were throttled by MY Florida Gators?). Actually, its because I've been somewhat busy and I no longer work in an office (read: I've got better things to do with free time than sit in front of a computer writing this drivel), so there's another excuse to put on file for my chronic absenteeism. Anyway, since today is National Signing Day (post coming tomorrow...I swear) and tonight brings us Duke-UNC, I figured there was no better time for me to jump headfirst back into the deep end of blogging pool.

Everybody who follows college basketball loves to watch UNC & Duke battle, even if its only to root against one of the traditionally excellent and annoying bluebloods. However, this game has always been a little more special to me than most fans. I was a diehard Duke fan growing up (blame Quin Snyder and later Bobby Hurley) and always looked forward to it as if it were a Final Four or NBA Playoff game. In fact, one of the worst sports-related memories of my childhood is missing the Jeff Capel game because my mother didn't want to wake her sick son to watch what my Dad informed her would "probably be a blowout". Even though Duke lost that night, finding out I had missed such a historic game was a tough pill to swallow for a kid who was so in love with college basketball as well as the Blue Devils.

Surprisingly, I do not hate the Tarheels (growing up in Florida will do that). I actually quite liked the program prior to the arrival of Roy "I could give a shit about North Carolina" Williams and even attended basketball camp there in 9th grade with our compatriot Gregory F. Halderbroogle.

And that's where this story takes a twist, while the media is trumpeting the return of Dick Vitale this evening, the real story is the return of Greg to the Dean Dome for this historic rivalry. Sure, Greg's a little older, a little slower, alot more of a drunk and has virtually no jumpshot left to speak of but his return is sure to bring out the Carolina great tonight. You know, guys like Henrik Rodl, Kevin Salvadori and Scott Cherry. Oh yeah, they'll all be there. With a cast like that, how could this night not be magical?

I'll be here all night live blogging in the comments and hoping for some postgame reports from the Treehouse via Mr. Halderbroogle. See you around 9.

Dumbass vs. Douchebag: Who Ya Got?

2008-01-07T14:44:00.000-05:00

After months of exciting and often times unbelievable college football action, we'll finally reach the conclusion of the most talked about college football season of all time tonight in New Orleans. The night of the national championship game is a bittersweet time for football fans. It signals the end of the emotion, pageantry and drama of college football for nearly 3/4 of a year while also supplying fans with the penultimate event in the sport (most of the time). This evening has been one of tremendous excitement and emotion for me for each of the past two seasons. Just two years ago, I sat on my couch slack jawed as I watched one of the greatest contests in all my years of watching college football sway back and forth between Texas and USC. It was one of those rare games that you can't bear to take your eyes off of, so great was the level of play and magnitude of the moment in the Rose Bowl that evening.

As if that game wasn't enough, last year's game featured my alma mater taking on the already annointed best team in the nation, The Ohio State University. I'm sure you saw the game and I'm sure I don't have to tell you it didn't come within miles of the drama that Young, Leinart and Co. supplied us with the year before. However, it did end up going down, as I told my girlfriend midway thru the 3rd quarter, as one of the "greatest nights of my life". This was no exaggeration on my part. After living in Gainesville through the majority of the Zook Era (shudders), this trouncing of the Buckeyes was, at once, satisfying, envigorating and even a little surreal. The teams whom I root for have had a tremendous run of championship success over the past two years but none of those championships came close to supplying the feelings of satisfaction and contentment that last year's demolition of Ohio State did.

So, why am I mentioning all this? Well, its probably because I'm not nearly as excited about this year's championship matchup as either of the last two years' and, frankly, I don't think I'm alone here. While tonight's game doesn't have the same cache as either of the past two games it is still the appointed National Championship game and I'll still be watching, as I'm sure most of you will too. So where does that leave me? At prediction time. Here's how it breaks down in my mind:

LSU is the most talented team in the country. I've maintained that since the beginning of the year, but I have also maintained that they are among the dumbest and most undisciplined teams in the country as well. I blame much of this on a head coach who I see as neither very smart or an exceptional game planner. Les Miles has had a number of very questionable decisions go his way in big situations this year and its saved him from being skewered by national and local media. Well, tonight the bloom comes off of Les Miles' rose. Ohio State, while far less talented than LSU, will come into tonight ready to redeem themselves after a year's worth of doubt from all corners of the sports media world and they'll be sharp on both sides of the ball. I think we're in for a close game tonight. A close game that will swing towards OSU because LSU will have too many dumb penalties (delay of game, false starts, illegal substitutions) and a few too may turnovers. The SEC has known Les Miles is overrated and often times overmatched as a big time Head Coach and tonight the rest of the country will as well.

OSU 28, LSU 24.

Feel Good Story of the Year?

2007-12-21T11:03:00.000-05:00

If there’s anything I hate more than having to work on any day within a week of Christmas (on either side) it’s the sappy, emotional stories that assholes like Tom Rinaldi and Chris Connelly continually run on ESPN. Listen, I watch ESPN (because I have no other real sports options) because I want to see sports and maybe (gasp!) gain a little insight on things from time to time. I don’t care about waterheads playing fictional football games where they’re told they scored the winning touchdown(s). If those assholes aren’t smart enough to realize that wheelchairs are illegal in football, well, then maybe they don’t deserve wheelchairs. That’s right…maybe they’d appreciate the game of football a little more if they had to drag their semi-paralyzed asses around on the turf for awhile. I mean, you don’t see me using a Segway in my city league basketball games, and I’m short and white!

Well then…that certainly got out of hand quickly. Anywho, the point is, I hate those sappy non-stories. However, I hate it even more that I actually want to see a sappy piece done about the player who has simultaneously saved the seasons of both my fantasy team and my NFL team, Earnest Graham. I’m playing in my fantasy league’s Championship game this weekend and the Bucs have clinched the NFC South and there’s no doubt in my mind that neither of these would have been possible without the sudden and sustained emergence of Earnest Graham as a legitimately dangerous NFL tailback.

Graham had been toiling in obscurity for the past four years as, first a practice squad player and then a special teams contributor for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I, like most people, didn’t anticipate that he’d ever become much more than that throughout the rest of his career. While Graham is a solid player, he seemingly lacks any great skill that would make him stand out among the genetic freaks who play tailback in the NFL. I say seemingly because, what Graham lacks in speed, size or quickness he more than makes up for in determination. Graham has made a living this season picking up ground in 3 & 4 yard chunks and has been even more effective near the goal line where he’s become nearly automatic for the Bucs offense. When you consider what Graham had to go through to get to this point, it shouldn’t be all that surprising.

After a solid, if unspectacular career at Florida that was marked as much by untimely injuries as much as anything else, Graham went undrafted. After eventually finding a home with Bucs, he was cut after his first year in the league. This led to Graham (along with his son and wife) being evicted from their Tampa area apartment. Not quite ready to give up his dream of playing pro football, Graham rededicated himself to the sport and ended up securing a spot on the Buccaneers as a 4^th string tailback. Graham would soon carve out a role for himself on special teams and, eventually, become a fan favorite due in large part to the fact that he was the Bucs’ leading rusher during each of the past 4 exhibition seasons. Fast forward to early this season in Carolina: Cadillac Williams had just gone down with a season ending knee injury and Graham (now the third string tailback and backup fullback) was inserted in the game as backup tailback Michael Pittman’s lead blocker. At least, that’s how the coaching staff had it planned. Whether it was his sense of loyalty to a great teammate or just a painful flair up of his herpes, Michael Pittman decided he didn’t want the ball on the next play (which called for him to run off right guard). Instead, Pittman told Graham he’d be the one playing tailback, with Pittman lining up as his lead blocker. A few seconds later, Graham burst off the right side for a big gain, eventually stiff-arming a Panther defender on his way into the endzone for his first career NFL touchdown. Graham would go on to score another that day and has scored 10 TDs this season in addition to amassing nearly 900 rushing yards. If the NFL had a ‘Most Improved Player’ award, Graham would be a lock at this point. Instead, he’ll have to settle for being a key cog in a one of the year’s most surprising playoff teams. Oh, and having a decidedly more secure job situation than he could have ever imagined. So yeah, cue up the cheesy piano music and put a weird filter in on the camera lense. Earnest Graham, you’re the man. Now, just score a couple TDs this weekend and I’ll forget all about you missing the Tennessee game in 2001.

If you guys are anything like me you’re hungover…and you’re also still doing your Christmas shopping. With that in mind, here’s a some help if you’re still wondering what to get me this year.

Everyone have a good time this weekend. I’ve got an early Christmas with my family tomorrow morning (they’re going up to see my oldest sister and her family in Tallahassee for Christmas and I’m not going to sit in that cold, damp shithole without the benefit of copious amounts of booze and/or drugs) so I’ll be up early on a Saturday but I’ll also be getting some fucking presents for my troubles. I’ll be back on Sunday with a few last minute Christmas thoughts. Now, do like your ancestors would want and go get drunk and say inappropriate things to those you love most.

Awesome-O 4000?

2007-12-19T13:24:00.000-05:00

In case, amidst all the well-deserved Tim Tebow hype, you've forgotten who the most electrifying player in college football was this year, well, I'm here to remind you. He played on the same team as Tebow and (surprise!) my alma mater, its none other than Percy Harvin.

I present you with YOUR 2008 Heisman Trophy Winner...

And because I'm really lazy and not quite motivated enough to write until later this week, here's a little funny to distract you. Funny good.

Uh oh its Magic!

2007-12-11T15:33:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well…I go ahead and show a little faith in the Magic and how do they reward me? By losing two consecutive games to teams below .500. That’s right, just a day or so after I declared that I no longer felt like my praise of the Magic’s collective efforts in this space could bring them bad luck, they blew numerous second half leads in a loss to Indiana and then followed that up last night with a loss to the Hoover, er, Atlanta Hawks. Despite this unnerving turn of events, I’m going to show a little faith in the Magicians and continue on with my thoughts about this years team.

I was going to mention that one of the most encouraging things about the Magic thus far is that they’d only lost to quality teams (Phoenix (twice), San Antonio & Detroit). Of course, that no longer applies so we’ll just move on to what I feel is one of the more significant differences in the overall play of the Magic, the role players. It’s not just the bench I’m talking about here either. Keith Bogans has done a great job of finally finding his niche in the NBA by morphing himself into a poor man’s Bruce Bowen. He’s always been a tough, tenacious defender who drew the opposition’s best perimeter offensive player, but now he’s added a consistent three point shot to go with it. With Bogans now a legitimate threat to knock down open 3s, teams can’t play off him and force the Magic to swing it to Bogans in the corner without fear of the results. This further opens up the inside for Howard and the rest of the Magic on offense.

The emergence of Bogans has also allowed Van Gundy more flexibility with his reserves. He can go with Carlos Arroyo and Keyon Dooling at the guards, or go big in the backcourt and play Dooling at the point alongside Maurice Evans. Evans was a part of a recent trade that flew under the radar for most NBA fans but drew the ire of many Magic fans as he was swapped, along with Brian Cook, for fan favorite Trevor Ariza. While Ariza is loaded with potential and brings swagger and energy to the court (not to mention a the occasional jaw dropping dunk and a ridiculous minutes to offensive rebounds ratio), there were not a lot of minutes to be had for him with this edition of the Magic. He doesn’t have the shooting or ballhandling prowess to play extensive minutes at the 2 and struggles to defend most 4s ude ot his slight frame and 6'8" height. With both Turkoglu and Lewis playing most of the minutes at the 3, it became a situation where Ariza wasn’t going to receive the necessary amount of minutes to continue his growth as a player in Orlando. By trading Ariza before he languished on the bench for half the season (thus dropping his trade value), the Magic were able to acquire another physical, athletic defender to matchup against the league’s premier perimeter scorers )Evans) as well as another forward who can draw big men out on the perimeter and spread the floor for Dwight Howard (Noticing a theme here?) with his long range touch (Cook). It’s been a long time since I agreed with a Magic personnel move from the jump but I loved this move. We’ll see if Evans and Cook are able to find their respective roles and find some minutes for themselves as the year progresses. If so, they'll only add to an already dangerous Orlando bench. Finally, while I’m not an Adonal Foyle fan, he has provided the Magic with some defense, rebounding and toughness underneath on the second unit without demanding the ball or causing waves in the locker room. While I’d sooner give it to Arroyo in the post than Foyle, he’s sure to set a good example of professionalism for the young guys in the Magic organization.

And that’s the final point I’d like to make about this Magic team: It is a good group of guys. It really is. You’d be hard pressed to find a “bad guy” on this Magic team. Howard is almost too nice, Jameer Nelson is a natural leader who pays for the whole team to come up and hang out in Philly for a week each summer and even new acquisitions like Lewis and Foyle came to the Magic with reputations as no nonsense, team first players. As bad as the Magic have been recently this has, surprisingly, not always been the case. Steve Francis was at times moody, selfish and inwardly focused. McGrady became withdrawn from the team and organization as his tenure wore on and the team continued to struggle and Penny Hardaway was just a bitch. Not a bitch like your ex-girlfriend but a bitch like that kid at the bar who talks shit and then refuses to back it up. As much as I love the Magic, it was awfully hard to root for guys like Francis and Hardaway during much of their tenure (I give McGrady a bit of a pass since the organization did zilch to compliment him for most of his time in Orlando). This isn’t the case with this group of Magicians. They genuinely seem to enjoy each other and enjoy being on the court playing a game they love. Maybe that’s why I’m not as worried as I normally would be after two consecutive bad losses. Because I believe this team has not only the talent, but the wherewithal to stick together when shots aren’t falling and fight for each other in order to change the direction of this franchise.

Because, you see, there’s more at stake here than just winning basketball games. The city of Orlando approved a new arena last year and Dwight Howard signed a long-term extension recently but all of that won’t mean a thing if the Magic still haven’t made it out of the first round five years from now. By that time, Howard will have grown tired of mediocrity and the Magic will have run off yet another franchise player. By that time, Orlando won’t have the Magic anymore. Orlando won’t have anything but an empty arena and thoughts of what might have been.

Can you feel the Magic?

2007-12-06T12:39:00.000-05:00

As I was laying down at the tattoo studio yesterday afternoon, I began to think about how long it had been since I’d written here. I mean really written. I’m not quite sure why I thought of this other than the fact that you’ll think about just about anything in order to distract yourself from the sensation of being repeatedly jabbed with a needle all across your stomach and chest. Of course, there are a number of reasons for my lack of blog related productivity. For one, I’m lazy…after that you get into a number of excuses, chief among them is that I’m spending a good deal of my time right now looking for a new job (long story). It’s not an especially urgent search at the moment but it’s still something I’m dedicating a large portion of my normal blog reading and writing time to. Next in my line of excuses is that the only major topics that I’ve been inclined to write about recently are Tim Tebow’s historic Heisman run and the Orlando Magic.

I’ve held off on Tebow because I think there’s been more than enough Heisman discussion between the internet, TV and radio to last us all. My completely biased two cents probably isn’t going to change your mind or bring up any points that haven't already been illuminated. I’ll just say this: If the Heisman was voted on like the MVP (Which it isn’t, in any way, shape, or form) there’s no question that Tebow should win. Florida is a 5 win team without Tebow at QB this year, maybe worse. Will he win this year? My PS2 says no. Colt Brennan stole the Heisman from Tebow and Percy Harvin on my 2007 season which proves that Heisman voters are the same level of curmudgeonly idiotic in virtual reality as they are in everyday life.

As for the Magic, I have often refrained from addressing them in this space due to a fear that my praise of them will immediately result in a drastic downturn in their collective fortune. This, of course, only proves that I’m as big an idiot as the aforementioned Heisman voters, as it should be clear by now that the Magic will, always eventually falter and go back to their familiar, pathetic ways.

Rashard Lewis: All-Star Forward, Part-time Ninja

Except, I don’t really feel like that this year. Make no mistake about it, this Magic team is not ready to make the NBA, or probably even the Eastern Conference, Finals. However this team is for real. I mean, they were #1 in ESPN.com’s weekly Power Ratings this week, which I’m pretty sure is a franchise first. More importantly, they just went 4-1 on a West Coast road trip which is always a good barometer of whether an Eastern Conference team is real or not. They have a better collection of talent than any Magic team in the last decade (I know thats not saying much, but still) and that collection has fit together very nicely on the court thus far. Listen, I was as dubious about the Rashard Lewis signing as anyone (and I still think that he’s overpaid and his contract will be a huge burden on the franchise in 5 years) but his presence has completely changed the feel of this team. He’s a known commodity in the NBA. He gets 20+ points nearly every night and does it in an efficient manner (this can’t be underestimated). By doing this, he opens up space for Dwight Howard to operate in the paint while also lessening the scoring burden on guys like Hedo Turkoglu and Jameer Nelson.

Turkoglu is a fine NBA player but he’s more playmaker than scorer. He can’t be the #2 scoring option on a good NBA team. However, he can thrive as the #3 guy. In this role, Turkoglu can play freely and create shots for himself and his teammates as opposed to feeling like if he doesn’t score 20 then his team has no chance. Furthermore, while the forward combo of Lewis and Hedo is pretty bad defensively, it’s a nightmare matchup for opposing defenses. Both can create off the dribble against less agile big men, and both can shoot well enough that defenses have to honor them, which only opens up driving lanes for Nelson an space in the post for Howard to operate. Of course, having a beast like Dwight Howard roaming the paint makes it much easier for Stan Van Gundy to throw this frontcourt on the floor together. He dominates the paint in most games and he's still not even near his peak. It's really amazing to watch his game mature right in front of you.

There’s another thing that gives me confidence in the 2007-08 Orlando Magic, Stan Van Gundy. I’m serious here. Van Gundy is a very good coach. Everybody seems to forget what he did with the Miami Heat during Dwyane Wade’s rookie year. That team started out 0-9 and was left for dead by the media. But once Van Gundy figured out how to best utilize and motivate his players, the Heat went on a tear and ended up in the 2^nd round of the NBA playoffs. Van Gundy is a flexible coach who will tweak his sets to accentuate his player’s strengths. Which is in direct contrast to former head man Brian Hill who refused to push the tempo despite having a young team that didn’t shoot particularly well and needed to get it’s young (and unbelievably athletic) big man some easy buckets. Van Gundy has not only employed an uptempo system and gone with Turkoglu and Lewis at the forwards, he’s also instituted the pick and roll as a staple of the Magic offense. The effect of this is three fold: It gets Howard moving and away from double teams while also forcing defenses to choose whether they want to drop inside to cover the paint (thereby leaving numerous open shooters) or risk giving Howard an easy dunk. Finally, it also simplifies the decision making processes within the halfcourt for Jameer Nelson which, in turn, allows Nelson to play more freely while cutting down on the turnovers which plagued him last year.

While I’ve got more to say about the Magic, this post is running long so I’ll cut it off right here for the time being. I’ll be back soon with more Magic related stuff as well as a number of random thoughts I’ve had over the last week or so of sports.

R.I.P.

2007-11-27T10:24:00.000-05:00

I remember the first time I ever became keenly aware of who Sean Taylor was, as a football player. It was against FSU in a torrential downpour. I was up in Tallahassee visiting friends for the Miami-FSU game and braved the inclement weather and a brutal hangover to go watch one of college football's best rivalries. I expected to see a close, hard fought game between two powerful and talented teams. What I got was a one man show. Sean Taylor had three interceptions that day (it could've been 6) and returned one for a touchdown on the wettest, sloppiest field I'd ever personally seen a game played on. For his part, Taylor was the biggest, most physically impressive safety that I'd ever laid eyes on. Bigger than most linebackers, with the speed of a tailback, and instincts for the safety position that only the greats possess. I was in awe on his talent on that wet Saturday afternoon and had watched him (and even rooted for him) intently ever since.

Today, I'm just saddened that he'll never get the chance to see his daughter grow up or, really, to grow up himself. I'm 30 and haven't begun to figure out my life. Sean Taylor died last night at the age of 24. I don't know where he is now but, in my mind, he'll always be splashing into the endzone on the sloppy field at Doak Campbell in October.

We're still in this?!!

2007-11-08T14:08:00.001-05:00

The gods of college football are awfully strange sometimes...especially the meth snorting dieties who rule the SEC. Why do I say this? Have you noticed that Houston Nutt still has a job over ten years after first being hired at the University of Arkansas? What about how Les Miles keeps pulling magic out of his ridiculously oversized hat on the way to what feels like a National Championship game appearance for the dumbest coach this side of Rich Kotite? I'm truly perplexed by the way that things shake out on a weekly basis in the SEC. Perhaps nothing exemplifies the wild and wooly action of the nations premier football conference more than the fact that, once again, Steve Spurrier will face his alma mater this weekend with a chance to ruin their season.

During his first year, Spurrier upset Florida in Columbia and denied first year coach Urban Meyer the chance to win an SEC Championship in Atlanta. Last year, Florida's National Championship hopes were saved by the slimmest of margins as Florida blocked three kicks to preserve a victory of Spurrier and South Carolina in The Swamp. Come this Saturday, Florida will face off with its former head coach again in Columbia with Florida still clinging to the hopes of a return trip to Atlanta and a second straight SEC title. Florida needs some help along the way, Auburn needs to beat Georgia on Saturday and Tennessee needs to lose one of its remaining two SEC games against Kentucky and Vanderbilt. Nevertheless, the fact remains, for the University of Florida to win the SEC East title in 2007, they must defeat the program's first Heisman trophy winner and the modern day architect of its football program. No matter what the coaches and players involved tell you, this game will always be special, so long as Spurrier is standing on the opposite sideline. Does it have the same feel as the initial matchup in 2005, or of Spurrier's return to the Swamp last year as the enemy? No. Does it change the surreal feeling of seeing the man who returned glory to the University of Florida football program try and take his alma mater down a notch in the SEC standings. Not in the least.

As for the actual game, well, it should be interesting. (Isn't every SEC night game this year?) It's a night game in Columbia which always produces a raucous atmosphere, and the Gamecocks are coming off an embarrassing loss to Arkansas that saw them give up approximately 1500 yards rushing to the measty combo of Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. Fortunately for South Carolina, Florida's two leading rushers are a wide receiver and a QB/Baby Rhinocerous who's limited by a sore shoulder. Florida couldn't take advantage of Carolina's weak run defense if they wanted to. And trust me, Dan Mullen has no use for running straight at opposing defense as he much prefers to trick people to further prove his offensive genius. On the other hand, South Carolina looks like they'll be without the services of safety Emmanuel Cook and corner Captain Munnerlyn (That name is so ridiculous if you introduced yourself to someone using that moniker you're likely to be laughed out of the room) so Florida should be able to throw the ball effectively. However, Florida needs to keep their young and extremely beat up defense (They're starting a true freshman converted guard at DT for the second straight week) off the field in order to prevent Spurrier from executing the "death by papercuts" offensive strategy he has employed so effectively against Florida in their two previous meetings. So Florida's going to have to find a way to sustain long drives on South Carolina through running the ball and using the short to intermediate passing game, neither of which have been strengths of the Gator offense in 2007.

I'm less than confident that a young Gator defense won't be outwitted by Spurrier and the Gamecock offense multiple times come Saturday evening. I called this loss in September after watching the secondary (and defense in general) struggle and I've seen little to make me change my mind up to this point. However, I also predicted a loss to Kentucky for these very same reasons and ended up wrong due to an offense that was nearly unstoppable in Lexington. Florida's gonna need Tebow and Harvin and all the rest of their spectacular skill position players to have great games if the Gators are to escape Columbia with a win and their division title hopes alive late Saturday evening. It also might help if they could find a way to conjure up a little more of this kind of magic.

I just watched that clip about five times in a row. That never, ever gets old.

Two of a Kind...

2007-11-01T11:42:00.000-04:00

I’ve resisted writing much about the Florida Football team this year for a number of reasons. Chief among them was the extreme amount of youth and inexperience that this team possessed, especially on defense. However, after watching nearly every one of the teams many flaws be exposed on Saturday against the University of Georgia, I felt the need to address some things.

First, I’m tired of hearing Florida fans complain that Mark Richt and Georgia showed “a lack of class” when they decided to rush the field following the game’s first TD. As the guys at EDSBS put it, “The word class means nothing–it’s unquantifiable, it’s fuzzy, and it’s all too often cited by the team picking their teeth up off the turf following a game.” You know what? They’re right. If Florida didn’t like what Georgia did, then they should’ve come out and shut down Georgia for the rest of the afternoon and wound up being the team doing the real celebrating. You know, the kind you do after you win the game.

Unfortunately, Florida’s defense was exposed as both weak against the run and tentative against the pass. This, in my experience, is the worst possible combination for a defense. Florida’s young corners are afraid to get beat deep so they routinely give up 10-15 yards of cushion to opposing wideouts. Yet, these cushions are largely ineffective because Florida’s safeties, Seniors Tony Joiner and Kyle Jackson, react late and take extremely poor angles. This has resulted in the Gator defense being eaten up by teams attacking the middle of the field in the intermediate passing game. What makes this so troubling is that Florida has also shown a penchant for giving up the long ball (TDs of 84 and 53 yards vs. UGA) as well. Of all the factors contributing to the porous Florida secondary, none is more frustrating than the play of Kyle Jackson. The corners are young and will get better (or they won’t be starting next year) and Tony Joiner has always been a linebacker in a safety’s body, but Jackson is quite possibly the worst free safety that I’ve ever seen start at the University of Florida. His play on Saturday was so bad that Gary Danielson tired of calling him out for mistakes by the middle of the 4^th quarter. He just stopped blaming Jackson for continually blowing plays for fear that he might drive the poor kids mother to suicide. Jackson’s lackluster play shouldn’t come as a surprise though, this is a young man who’s now lost his starting position not once, but twice (First to Reggie Nelson and earlier this year to the now injured Major Wright, a true freshman) during his time at Florida. In all my years of Florida Football fandom, I’ve never seen a player’s fortunes change so dramatically. He was the #2 safety in the nation coming out of HS. By the middle of his freshman year he had taken the job of a senior (Cory Bailey) and looked like a star in the making, especially after a two int performance against South Carolina late that year. However, he completely fell apart in the Bama and LSU games (highlighted by insincere tackling and poor coverage angles) early in his sophomore season and that was essentially it for him. He lost his job to Reggie Nelson later that year and then to Major Wright this year after back to back horrible performances vs. Tennessee and Ole Miss. Kyle Jackson wasn’t the only reason this Gator defense got torched on Saturday (the D-Line got no pressure and the Linebackers were consistently out of their lanes) but he was the most egregious offender of all the defensive players for Florida. It sounds strange to say that you’ll be glad when a true freshman safety returns, but that’s exactly how I (and most Gator fans) feel about the return of Major Wright.

Finally, in an effort to spread a little of my hatred fueled blame, I turn my attention to Kestahn Moore, or as I’ve referred to him in this spot before, Smiley McFumbles. At this point, the nickname has gone beyond being funny and ironic and become a plague upon the Gator Nation. He’s become pre-Coughlin Tiki Barber sans the game breaking ability. In the last three games he has: Fumbled in LSU territory late in the 3^rd quarter, dropped a wide open pass in the Kentucky endzone, fumbled deep in UGA territory and dropped a direct snap in UGA territory. (Which doesn’t even cover the block he missed on 4^th and 2 against UGA that allowed UGA to blow up a reverse to Percy Harvin). Can anybody explain to me why he still is worthy of being on the field with the first team offense at this point? Clearly Urban Meyer cant, as he benched Moore for most of the UGA game and spread his backfield carries out amongst Percy Harvin and Brandon James. Meyer has promised more carries at tailback for Harvin this week against Vanderbilt and I think he’ll handle the bulk of the carries at that spot from here on out. Moore has been given numerous chances to excel at a position of relative weakness for Florida and has consistently underperformed. In fact, his play has been so below average that its left Florida fans yearning for the days of DeShawn Wynn. Which, I can assure you, few Florida fans ever thought they’d do. I even joked to some friends on Saturday night that Meyer was probably text messaging Wynn as we spoke with messages like “Miss U” and “Ur great. Call me.” Sadly, I wasn’t completely joking. Moore’s incompetence hinders the entire Gator offense and is by far the biggest problem with the current Gator offense (though there are others: Inconsistent O-Line play, cute playcalling by Dan Mullen inside the opponents 30, a lack of involvement by secondary playmakers such as Ingram, Fayson, Cooper). That’s why the impact of USC transfer Emmanuel Moody can’t be underestimated for Florida Football. If Moody is even half as good as his rep suggests, he’ll be able to take some of the running load off of Tebow’s shoulders, thereby allowing Tebow to focus on his development as a passer. Furthermore, if Moody can carry the ball 15 times a game (hardly yeoman’s work) then defense will have to honor him which will open up more running lanes for the likes of Harvin, Caldwell, James and even Tebow. That is when you will see the true spread option offense. Right now its less than its at less than its full capability because there is no tailback to employ as a primary ballcarrier.

Unfortunately, Florida is stuck with Moore for the time being and Meyer and Co. are going to have to decide if the risk of a game changing fumble(s) is worth the risk of getting Percy Harvin and Brandon James banged up while they try and form a competent tailback combo. Clearly, neither of these options are preferable but I, for one, would much rather have ball security and game breaking ability at tailback over inconsistency and turnovers. If Moore ever wants to be a contributor at Florida again (He’s a junior…Yay!), I’d advise him to spend the offseason bulking up and becoming a fullback. He’s already the lead blocker on kickoff return and Florida’s losing fullback Eric Rutledge to graduation this year. There’s room for Moore as a blocking fullback who catches the occasional pass out in the flat. There’s just no more room for his mistakes at tailback.

If you can’t tell by now, I feel that there are a number of problems with the current Gator Football team. Many of these can’t be corrected right away (Three healthy DTs is a huge area of concern from here on out) but a number of these can be corrected by eliminating two players from the gameplan. It may sound harsh and reactionary but, if you’ve watched this team play enough this year then you know its true. Both Moore and Jackson have been good students, hard workers and a credit to the Florida Football program. They are not, however, deserving of any more playing time in their current positions. Florida has 3 losses and is (more than likely) looking at a date in the Citrus and Outback bowls. Now’s the time to build for the future and the future doesn’t include Moore or Jackson.

Week 8: It's Nothing of the Sexual Nature, I Assure You

2007-10-26T16:49:00.000-04:00

Hello America. I’ve missed you this week like the desert missed the rain. I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been somewhat of an apparition around these parts this week (which probably accounts for this being our single highest traffic week in the history of the site…or was that due to the deadspin link? You decide...), but I have been bonging workahol out of a traffic cone for the last two weeks. (Just ask me about it and I’ll bore you with the exact time I have arrived and left work every day this week like it’s Auschwitz or something.)

On a more serious note, we didn’t get any picks from TJ this week, which unfortunately is not due to work, but instead “play.” Tommy was arrested last night and is still in the drunk tank, from what I can gather. Apparently he stumbled out of the Dubliner around midnight and decided to catch some impromptu shuteye in the lobby fountain of the Cap Hill Hyatt down the street, where he subsequently proceeded to move his bowels and then perform the “ugly woman” dance…and some buzzkill decided to call the local constabulary. So, once Tommy finishes paying his debt to society, he’ll get back to picking the games.

Additionally, Jerry won’t be contributing this week either. He went up to St. Michael’s in Maryland for a quiet weekend away with the new girl he’s seeing. He seems legitimately smitten…and I think we’re all just really happy for him.

Yeah…neither of those is true…but what does it say about our friends that you found the TJ story far more believable than the Jerry tale? TJ and Jerome are both at weddings … somewhere…for some people I don’t know or care about.

So, you may have noticed that I’m 3-17-1 picking against the spread this year. It doesn’t just suck…it’s groundbreakingly bad. I had some thoughts about how to address it. There’s the popular “reverse picks” concept where I pick all the games and then go back and do the opposite. First off, it’s been done. Secondly, it’s gayer than a tennis helmet. I decided, instead, to do “man up” and in a roundabout way take the advice Leon gives Larry below:

So you know what? Fuck it. I’m picking all the games…AND the over/unders. 28 picks. “Geoff was here.” Step out the asshole…and leave that shit open so they know I was there.

Cleveland (- 3) @ ST LOUIS, O/U 44 – Why’s everyone focusing on how bad the Dolphins are? You could have at least seen that coming. A lot of people had the Rams winning that division...but they suck something fierce. In both fantasy league’s I’m in, Marc Bulger was picked before Tom Brady. Think about that… BROWNS and the OVER

CHICAGO -5 vs. Detroit O/U 43½ - The Lions are worse than you think they are…kind of like genital warts…right Rob? BEARS and the UNDER

CAROLINA - 6½ vs. Indianapolis O/U 44 – Chewbacca? Wookie? Endor? This does not make sense. COLTS and the OVER.

N.Y Giants -10 vs. MIAMI in Europe O/U 48½ - Glad we’re putting our best foot forward in exporting our game to the rest of the world. This game is gonna suck. PHINS cover and the UNDER.

TENNESSEE -7 vs. Oakland O/U 41½ - TITANS and the OVER.

Philadelphia -1 @ MINNESOTA O/U 39½ - If Andy Reid got his stomach stapled and went balder, he’d look remarkably like Brad Childress. And if we were drafting partners for beer pong, I wouldn’t select Tavaris Jackson. Ever. EAGLES and the OVER.

Pittsburgh -3 @CINCINNATI O/U 48½ - I could not have been more shocked at how poorly the Steelers played versus Denver last week. Shocked, I tell you. Like my parents always taught me, I’m taking the darker skinned black coach. STEELERS and the UNDER.

N.Y JETS -3 vs. Buffalo O/U 36½ - It was probably the funniest thing Beano Cook ever said—If this game was being played in my living room, I’d probably get up and to go see what was going on in the kitchen. JETS and the OVER.

TAMPA BAY -4 Jacksonville O/U 32 - Dr. Quinn Gray, Medicine Woman? Really? Seriously? BUCS and the UNDER…Waaaaaaay under.

New Orleans 2½ @ SAN FRANCISCO O/U 41 – No clue. How about SAINTS and the OVER?

NEW ENGLAND -16½ vs. Washington O/U 50 – Two weeks ago I told anyone who would listen (predominantly toll booth collectors and priests giving confession) that the Redskins covering against the Pats in this game was the lead pipe lock of the year. Well, as you may have noticed, I’m an impressive 0-5-1 ATS picking Redskins games this year. But fuck the haters. I’m sticking to my guns. The Redskins will lose this game because they can’t generate a pass rush and their offense is as impotent as Palek on Tell Me You Love Me. But their defense is still one of the league’s best. And good God, bet the kids college fund on the under. Through six games, the average combined total points per games in contest featuring the Skins this year is a paltry 35, with the high water mark being the 24-17 loss to NY. SKINS and the UNDER.

DENVER – 3 vs. Green Bay O/U 42 – I have nothing to say that is either relevant or true. BRONCOS and the OVER.

SAN DIEGO -11.5 vs. Houston O/U 45 – When was the last time the NFL had a week with two games being played at neutral sites? That’s the burning ques…oh…I mean Hot Topi…eh…no…speculation is spreading like wild….no….no… Let’s move on. TEXANS and the UNDER.

Rob

This organization is functioning as effectively as a cactus condom, both on the scoreboard and in the pre-game meetings. Since I’m not really sure which games I’m supposed to be prognosticating, I’m just picking three and letting it fly.

Washington (+16.5) @ New England (o/u 48) – All the tea leaves, coyote entrails, and mediocre football scribes point to a Redskins victory in this one. And by victory, we of course mean that the Skins will stay within two touchdowns of the Patriots. The Washington defense is the best Tom Brady has faced all season. New England’s bound to be looking ahead to next week’s tilt with the Colts. The Pats can’t keep treating the entire league like Schillinger did Beecher. And so on.

We’re not buying it. The Patriots are freaking cyborgs. Normal psychological failings don’t happen to them. The Colts aren’t even on their radar screen until they complete they crush their burgundy and gold enemies and hear the lamentations of their women. Patriots cover the number and the game goes way over the posted mark.

Buges has been prank calling Gino Capelletti all week, pretending to be Sam Huff. Fortunately for Buges, Capelletti’s nearly as clueless as he is and can’t figure out how to work the Caller ID machine.

Carolina (+6.5) @ Indianapolis – See above. The Colts won’t be looking ahead, either, and they face a much less sturdy opponent than do the Patriots. Indy was really impressive on both sides of the ball against Jacksonville, and David Carr isn’t much of a step up from Quinn Gray. Colts cover the spread and get a little hop in their step before getting mashed into the turf next weekend.

Houston (NL) @ San Diego? – How the heck do I know? I don’t even know where this game’s being played. Can I play a hand of Texas Hold ‘em instead? I’ll take the Santa Ana winds and give the points. And pray for the poor folks in SoCal.

Whitney

Carolina (+6½) vs. Indianapolis
This line is a head-scratcher to me, but not nearly so much as it was when I looked at Danny Sheridan's odds on USAToday.com. On that site, it said -- and still says -- that the Panthers are favored by 6.5. Can I get that bet from any bookie? I mean, with that kind of line, even I would have a shot of getting my picks right.

Obviously a 13-point swing makes it more reasonable, but still . . . here's what we know:
- The Colts are 6-0 and a close second to the Pats as best team in the league.
- The Panthers are 4-2, albeit against teams with a combined 13-28 record. The teams they beat are 5-22, the teams they lost to are 7-7.
- The Panthers are 0-2 at home.
- The Colts gain 80 more yards a game and allow 60 fewer than the Panthers.
- The Colts are averaging 9 more points a game.
- The Panthers are starting either David Carr or Vinny Testaverde at QB.
- It's not supposed to rain on Sunday in Charlotte.
- Mayflower Van Lines was so vilified for aiding the 1984 Irsay abandonment that the branch in Baltimore was run into the ground and like the Colts, they left town. (As my old Baltimorean bartender in DC once proudly told me.)

Doesn't this all reek of a 2-3 touchdown margin? Of course, "any given Sunday," blah blah blah. The only shot the Panthers have in this game is Indy looking ahead to the showdown a week later against NE. Even if they do, though, they win by a TD. Colts.

Washington (+16½) @ New England (O/U: 50)
Now this line is more like it. I guess New England is that much better than the Colts, or maybe Washington's 4-2 isn't as impressive as Carolina's, or perhaps home-field advantage is worth 10 points these days. The Skins face the same "only shot is them looking ahead" quandary, but it's a lot easier to get within 17 than 7. And the Redskins are a better team right now than the Panthers, especially on defense. And so I'm taking the Patriots. Huh?

Here's the deal. The Pats are a machine, not susceptible to emotional letdowns or "looking ahead." They may have a field day with the Washington OL. And they may be that much better than Indianapolis. (After all, the Mel Gibson vehicle "The Patriot" is immensely more powerful than the Dodge vehicle "The Colt.") And finally, my gut tells me that the Redskins may make this game interesting, and I've been wrong for four or five weeks in a row. Gonna take a page from Geoff's reverse psychology. Patriots.

I also like the under. The Over.

Mark

You’ll have to excuse me this week as I’m a little out of sorts. You see, for the first time in 8 years I won’t be attending the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party in Jacksonville. I’m more than a little bummed about this. Of course, I’ll be sure to make up for it by drinking myself into a stupor over each of the next couple of nights. The last time I missed the cocktail party I ended up challenging my friend Dave to a fight, losing my phone and getting kicked out of a cab (you know I was drunk if I called a cab) all before midnight on Saturday. I’m gonna try and knock out that trifecta by sundown this time around. Well, either that or I’m gonna find Vodka guy and take him up on those Vicodins he offered us last year. Keep our fingers crossed.

Jacksonville @ TAMPA BAY (NL): After completely fumbling away what should have been a win in Detroit, Tampa comes home to face a Jacksonville team who fell apart on Monday night once they lost David Garrard to injury early in the 1st quarter. Can you blame them? I’m pretty sure John Henderson was as surprised as me to find out that Quinn Gray was not only a real person, but also the Jaguars’ backup QB. While I’m sure Jaguars fans will complain about their offense not being at full strength without Garrard, lets be honest. That offense was shit on a stick anyway. Outside of Maurice Jones-Drew their whole philosophy revolves around throwing the ball up for their pack of enormous, overrated wide receivers. As an aside, how come nobody gives the Jacksonville management shit for drafting stiffs like Matt Jones and Reggie Williams in the 1st round? I don’t know. I’ll tell you what I do know though, my hangover is not easing up anytime soon. I guess I’ll listen to my pounding head and go with a McGriddle over the Egg McMuffin. Oh, and Tampa in a low scoring affair, 16-9.

Philadelphia @ MINNESOTA (-1.5) O/U: 38: Does anybody without a mustache care about this game? Yes. Those people who own Adrian Peterson in their fantasy leagues do. However, those people are going to end up awfully pissed off come Sunday when Brad Childress outfoxes his former mentor by using Peterson as a decoy and unleashing the talents of Tavaris Jackson on the unsuspecting (and increasingly porous) Eagles secondary. What’s that you say? Jackson couldn’t start on half the teams in the SEC? Yeah you’re right. If I was Brad Childress I’d just line up Peterson in the Wildcat package all day and force Philly to try and stop him 40 times. Can you honestly tell me that’s a worse strategy than having Tavaris Jackson launching passes downfield to the likes of Troy Williamson, Bobby Wade and Travis Taylor 25 times a game? Of course you can’t. That’s because you apply things like logic and reasoning when making decisions. Andy Reid and Brad Childress laugh at your simple, unmustachioed ways. Take the under.

Questions...Answers...

2007-10-25T10:34:00.000-04:00

As we gear up for yet another loaded weekend of college football (kicking off tonight with a Boston College loss in Blacksburg, and it wont be close), that features no less than 5 matchups between ranked teams, I figured a few trivia questions might whet everyone's appetite for the weekend.

(1) Which former national power is 12-13 in their last 25 games?

(2) Which school that once dominated its conference for more than a decade has now compiled a record of 4-10 in its last 14 conference games?

(3) Who is the only player in the nation this year to have at least one run of 12 yards in every game so far this season?

(4) Who has the longest active streak of rushing TDs (8 games) in college football?

The answers to questions 1 & 2 are Florida State University. The answers for both questions 3 & 4 are non other than the baby rhinocerous himself, Tim Tebow.

The mention of Tebow brings to mind something that occurred to me last night. Tim Tebow and Josh Beckett are a lot alike. Not in their physical characteristics (though Tebow was a pretty good high school pitcher) but in their mental makeup. After Beckett absolutely blew away the side in the first inning of last nights game, I ventured over to Misery Loves Company (where I was all by my lonesome) and wrote simply, "BECKETT SMASH!!" in the comments section. It was at that moment that I realized that guys like Josh Beckett and Tim Tebow are rare. Not just because of their otherworldly talents but because they have a level of competitiveness and yearning to excel at the highest levels and within the biggest moments that most players simply cannot fathom. Sure, they're both physical freaks blessed with gifts and talent that the average man simply can't comprehend, but they are hardly the only athletes walking through the current sports landscape who can boast of this. What separates them, and what has always separated truly great athletes is an inner fire, an innate desire to transcend the playing field they reside upon and make the most of the precious few "special" moments that they are afforded the chance to be a part of. It's why Beckett has been untouchable for most of his playoff career and its why Tebow was running the ball on 4th and 1 late in the 4th quarter in Knoxville last year as a true freshman quarterback. (Think about that for a second. Its stunning to imagine a coach calling a true freshman QB's number in that situation. However, I dont think a single Florida player, coach or fan flinched when that scenario reared its head last September).

You see, the difference between good players and great players doesn't often reside in numbers we can quantify but instead in words that come off as cliche'. Words like "heart" and "desire". These are the things that allow players to forge legends and build upon them again and again. Does it help to be able to run over linebackers or throw a 97 mph fastball on the outside corner of the plate when the situation demands this level of execution? Of course it does. Can a player consistently achieve this level of excellence without possessing intangibles that can't be measured by legions of scouts and the latest technologies? Not a chance.

Did I say she's the Bee's Knees? I meant to say the Cat's Pajamas...

2007-10-18T14:17:00.000-04:00

As I wrote in a column last week, I turned 30 last Wednesday. It wasn’t that big of a deal to me and, consequently I wasn’t expecting much of a big deal to be made of it. My girlfriend and I went out to dinner, had a few drinks and she got me some great presents. That was it for Wednesday . By the time I had a few postgame drinks with the guys from my basketball team on Thursday night I pretty much figured the fanfare was over. And I was fine with that. Fast forward to last Saturday. My Dad called me early in the afternoon and asked me if I wanted to grab a few beers during the first half of the Kentucky-LSU game. Never one to turn down football or beer, I gladly accepted. We met up at a local bar and watched what we both guessed (in the middle of the 2^nd quarter) would be a game firmly in LSU’s control by midway through the second half (until UK scored that late first half TD). At halftime, I said goodbye to my Dad and headed home as my girlfriend and I were going to be meeting some friends out for more drinks later in the evening (or so I thought). About five minutes later I turned onto my street to see a line of cars leading up to my house. As I thought to myself, “What the hell is going on?”, I quickly realized that my driveway was filled with over 40 of my friends and family. It seems my girlfriend had planned a surprise party for my birthday. Everyone was there (save for some friends from out of town) old college roommates, my sisters and their kids (and my parents), the guys I play basketball with and a bunch of other friends. It was a pretty humbling experience, to see all these people come out to celebrate my birthday with me. What followed was a full night of great food, better friends and plenty of alcohol. All of which was organized over the better part of two months by my girlfriend. It was, in short, the sweetest, most thoughtful thing that anybody has ever done for me.

I don’t want to bore you with all the details as nobody really cares to hear stories about parties that don’t end in puking, bathroom sex or arrest through the use of a taser. However, it was a fantastic time. As most of the people I know are well aware of my drinking problem, I received an ungodly amount of liquor (seven bottles of Jager for starters) and numerous other thoughtful gifts (Mmmm, cash). Rest assured that my freezer is now fully stocked with all types of sauce for my consumption. Vodka, Rum, Cognac, Jager, Crown, Tequila, etc. Its like looking at my own little ABC every time I open the freezer door.

I can’t even tell you how much fun I had. Hell, it was so much fun that I didn’t even mind the fact that my Dad walked up on a conversation about the enormous bar fight I got into on the night of last year’s Auburn game. I wasn’t exactly jazzed to see my Dad standing behind me as my friend Kurt recounted the tale of me breaking a Heineken bottle over some rednecks head but, what can you do? It’s not like my Dad never got into a bar fight when he was young. At least I hope he did. As you can imagine, being the guest of honor also required me to do a ridiculous number of “birthday shots” with everyone from my oldest sister to my asshole friend who bought me a fake lottery ticket and waited until I was drunk to give it to me. I, of course, fell for the fake lottery ticket and was, momentarily, under the impression I’d won $20,000. (Which would come in awfully handy now that I’ve discovered my car needs $1500 in repairs). The party was a complete success. Everyone had a great time (Even the two pregnant ladies who were undoubtedly the only sober people in attendance.) and LSU and Kentucky even cooperated by supplying the party with, possibly, the game of the year in college football. By the time regulation was nearing an end, nearly every guy at the party was sitting/standing in my living room with their eyes glued to the screen and everyone of those guys were rooting for Kentucky. Of course, Kentucky was victorious and the crowd was in an even better mood than when the night began.

The party would go on for a few more hours and, it seemed, a good time was had by all in attendance, especially me. I discovered that it’s nice to have a big fuss made over you every now and then. I also realized there’s no way in hell that I’ll be able to match the level of time, effort and love that my girlfriend put into celebrating my 30^th birthday. Which, is kind of a pisser since she turns 30 on New Year’s Eve. Short of getting her a guest spot on MTV’s New Year’s Eve celebration broadcast, I’d say I’m pretty much screwed here. I would honestly look into this if it wasn’t for that unfortunate incident back in 1999 when Ed Lover and I got drunk and ended up pissing in the water bottles in Carson Daly’s dressing room.

So, to sum up: Great Party, tremendous friends and a perfect girlfriend. However, lest you think this gesture has made me soft and looking toward marriage anytime in the near future, I direct you to this email I received from my friend Calvin yesterday afternoon:

So my boss offers me one (1) ticket, free of charge, for what could be the series clinching game for the Indians Thursday night. One hang up, its my 4th anniversary. So I turn it down b/c I was trying to not be a dick. So I get home last night and tell my wife that I turned down this ticket so I can spend the evening with her. She asks me why and tells me I'm dumb for turning down a chance to go to the game. This of course leads to me telling her she should show a little gratitude and that the next time I have a conflict like that I'll just take the ticket. I was not too happy.

The moral of the story is that if I had taken the ticket, she would have been pissed and she was trying to be cool after the fact. Women are stupid. Its better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

So there you go. That’s all the encouragement I need to keep living in sin.

One last thing: This will be the last of these “personal life” entries for a while. I’m sure you’re tired of reading them so I’ll get back to writing about booze, sports and poop jokes.

Week 6: Stop Searching the Web for Shirtless Athletes and ending Up Here America

2007-10-12T11:11:00.001-04:00

Why only one picture with this week's picks? Well, maybe it's because I feel strongly that we really "brought it" with our collective prosaic efforts this week and I'd rather not detract from it with some sophomoric internet shot of Romeo Crennell eating a banana split. Or maybe it's some long sob story about how "busy" I've been at work turning old socks into little sheep for the children of our nation to play with and giggle about. Or maybe it's because I feel like all of you out there haven't really done your part. That's right...I'm looking at you Chip, Greg, Carter, Aaron, Clark, "Mayhugh", Rezvan, "Dennis", Smint, etc. What have you homos ever done for me? I'll tell you what. A big steaming pile of nothing. Oh I have to hear about Chip's political frustrations and secret desire to wax Tom Brady's nether regions, Greg's drinking exploits and general ribaldry, Carter and Aaron's homoerotic love for each other as they struggle with the thoughts of leaving their wives to move to Vermont together and make both cheese and sweet sweet manlove together, Clark's buying and selling of websites, men and small island nations all for the profit of Scientology, Mayhugh's tales of aggressively bedding the women of Buffalo Wing University and telling unsuspecting co-eds that he's such a classy lawyer they'll contract lobster from his loins as opposed to mere crabs, Rezvan calling me out for my unsubstantiated manlove for Randy Thomas, Dennis whining about his trick knee and endless tales of Swint's fears of dying alone in his apartment with his stable of cats named after characters from Aaron Spelling hour long dramas. I'm sick of it. When will it be about me?

Oh yeah, the above screed can best be summarized by this picture:

Yep...I got into the syrup last night. On to my picks...

Geoff

Washington (+3.5) @ Green Bay - I may be oversimplifying this, but the Packers match up against the Redskins in very much the same way the Giants do. Their offense is pass heavy and they have a dominant defensive line. I expect a low scoring game with Mason Crosby and Shaun Suisham being the standout fantasy stars. Get excited about that. There's a decent chance Antwaan Randle-El, Marcus Washington and Phillip "the "D" is for Doubtful" Daniels won't go for the Burgundy and Gold and Jason Campbell thought Green Bay was in the Gulf of Mexico. PACK and the UNDER.

Jacksonville (-6.5) @ Houston - Stubbornly, I refuse to believe that David Garrard is any good. Maybe it's because his penis is (allegedly) bigger than mine...or maybe it's because I've never really liked anyone who went to East Carolina. Or maybe it's because he sucks and no one will believe it until the Jags finish 7-9 this year and Jack Del Rio gets fired. This "We have slow receivers but at least our QB is below average" plan he's put together down at the lab isn't really working out. I also think he should be fired for what he's done to Maurice Jones Drew. I mean sure, he didn't force me to draft MJD in the second round of the fantasy draft, but he also didn't warn me not to. Ah yes...now that I've lulled you to sleep, this seems like a good time to tell you that I went 0-3 last week, bringing my season record to 2-12-1. I scoured the ebays and I can't find one professional, semi-pro or amateur prognosticator with a worse record. I tried to pick a zit last night and it lost to Northwestern by 40. I also tried to come up with a new show that could rival America's Next Top Pirate and Are you Stronger than a Dog? What about this: "Dancing with Lavars"? Levar Burton, Lavar Arrington...and some other guys...dancing with...petrified old white women...or something... Maybe not. Texans.

Jerry:

Rams (+9.5/37.5) at Ravens – For the record, I'm starting Brandon Jacobs and Brian Leonard in one of my fantasy leagues this week and I've already got wood. Worst game of the week right here. Ravens might start punting on 3^rd down if they get a lead. Take the UNDER.

Bengals (-3) at Chiefs – Two flat-out classy coaches who can flat-out coach in this league. We were talking to Herm Edwards last night and lemme tell ya, this guy is intense and he flat-out wants to win football games. Herm was telling us that we've gotta get back to playing sharp football and the biggest thing was for his Chiefs was to get their mojo back.

And boy was I impressed with Marvin Lewis. This is a guy who knows what he wants to do on a football field. He said the Bengals need to get off to fast start and play with swagger for a full 60 minutes. He's got a tight group of guys who play for each other and lace'em up and bring their lunch pails to work every day. His keys to the game were making explosive plays and cutting down on mistakes. Most of all, he wants his guys to be sharp and play with a snarl on their faces. Both these teams will be giving 110% and we're gonna have a heckuva battle out here. I'm taking the Bengals 'cause they've flat-out got something to prove.

Giants (-3) at Falcons – Same thing I said last week. Atlanta is a pants side. LT Wayne Gandy is out. RT Todd Weiner is probably out. And channeling Kornheiser here, "His name is Weiner? Can you believe it? Weiner is out!!!!" (everybody laughs). I might have to rig up some kind of radio-based audio system for this one.

Bonus pick: Louisville goes into the Queen City and takes back the Keg 'o Nails. +340 on the money line.

Mark:

Oakland @ San Diego (-10): It’s the battle of the most beautiful city in California versus the most run down, decrepit city in California. Who ya got? I’ll take San Diego as a city over Oakland any day but I’m gonna have to see more than a blowout of a soft and overrated Denver squad before I’m willing to believe in Norv Vision 3.0. Everybody says that the Chargers are back. I say the Raiders have the most underrated linebacking corps in the NFL and a friskier offense than they’ve been given credit for. Oakland covers.

Carolina @ Arizona (40): Does anybody care about this game? Arizonans (Arizonites?) have playoff fever (or a new strain of Chlamydia) so I can’t even see them selling out the Pink Taco and fans in Carolina have already mentally moved onto to the opening of college basketball practice this weekend. Hell, even David Carr is thinking about his audition next week to become the new host of Milf Island. Unless, Antrell Rolle starts mocking Steve Smith’s version of “Da U” I can’t see how the Panthers score more than 13 points. That means we’re taking the under.

Tennessee @ Tampa Bay (-3): I’ve got a bad feeling about this game. Tennessee plays the run exceptionally well and the Bucs are down to exactly two serviceable running backs. Well, thats if you consider Earnest Graham and Ken Darby serviceable. I’d be willing to bet that Vince Young outrushes the Tampa tailbacks this Sunday. I’m also going to bet that the Titans win. You know why? Earlier this week, Emmitt Smith informed me that “All Vince Young does is win football games.” When a football savant like Emmitt Smith gives you gold like that you’re well advised to shutup, listen and go to the closet and dust off the money counting machine. It’s right behind my autographed David Boston home GHB kit. Yeah, yeah, just to the right. Titans win. 24-13.

Rob:

Miami (+5) @ Cleveland - I'm trying really hard to convince myself that Miami will sneak into Cleveland and win this one outright, but when it comes down to it, that's just the Vodka and Red Bull talking. Though it is possible the homefield crowd may be a bit distracted by the ALCS - Clevelanders really aren't all that bright. Browns.

New England (-4.5) @ Dallas - Y'all think the 'Boys may have been looking ahead to this one on Monday night? Until someone stays within two time zones of the Patriots, there's no sense betting against them. Pats.

Washington (+3) @ Green Bay (o/u - 41) - This one's like the old "retro" rule in the beer pong games Whit and I used to play with Wiley, Gutschow and the boys way back in the day, when the rest of you were trying to get to second base with little Jenny Rottencrotch. If you didn't validate your game-winning toss with another, the game continued. I think. It was a long time ago. And we were generally drunk. Because that was the point of the game. And, frankly, it was a really stupid rule to begin with. Which brings me all the way around the barn to my point, that the Skins need to back up last week's terrific effort against the Lions if they want to be taken seriously. It says here that they'll beat the 3-point spread and the Washington defense will stand up again and keep the game below the number.

And because I know you're wondering, Buges has spent the entire week frantically scouring his apartment (don't you get the sense Buges lives by himself in a cramped second-floor walkup in Sterling somewhere?) for the betting slips from the first 2 Super Bowls so he can collect from Paul Hornung when the team heads to Wisconsin this week.

Whitney:

SEA -6.5 vs. New Orleans (o/u 42 ½) - Here we have two teams currently proceeding from apex to nadir, but one's a bit further along than the other. The 'hawks are just a couple of years removed from a Super Bowl run, but you get the sense that it's going to get a lot worse before they get anywhere near one again. Shaun Alexander is looking less and less like a premier back, the receiving corps gets more depleted by the day, and each time out there's a little less fire in Mike Holmgren's eyes, and a few more crumbs in his moustache. Propped up by a division of papier-mâché foes, they'll hang around the playoff picture until Thanksgiving, maybe even the first Santa Stumble, then be cast aside like yesterday's cole slaw.

Meanwhile, the New Orleans Saints supplanted the star-wearing felchers from Irving as "America's Team" last year, but the air is out of that balloon. Hurricane Katrina had the country sending money, lending hands, and rooting like all get-out for the plucky Saints last fall. The American bandwagon, however, is not unlike a big-city tour bus; not too long in one place, on to the next overhyped stop, with the previous visits quickly forgotten and not to be remembered until miles down the road. Next stop, SuccessTech Academy. The Crescent City still struggles mightily, but it's no longer en vogue to give a damn about it. The Saints, meanwhile, are in full-ebb now, plummeting back to the laughable losers they've been for most of their existence. It actually suits them a lot more nicely.

Seahawks at home, fired up after last week's smoking, muster just enough in a dog of a game dressed up in an enjoyable match-up's clothing. Seahawks 27, Saints 14 (giving the nod to the under as well).

Washington (+3) @ Green Bay - Well, I used my allotted word count up above, so I'll just go ahead and say what everyone's thinking: The Washington Redskins don't have anyone who was in one of the Top 25 big-screen comedies ever filmed. (No, Fred Smoot was not in "Pootie Tang," as several of you have suggested.) Packers by 6.

TJ:

Philly -3 @ NYJ (41) - The Jets are 29^th in the league in points allowed. AND they score less often than Marty McFly. A dreadful combination, Coy and Vance terrible. As far as I know, Chad Pennington is still starting this week, and I believe Brain Westbrook is back in for the Eagles, so huge personnel advantage Philadelphia. This week might finally end the Chad Era in NY, after he throws 2 more lollipop interceptions with that paper mache arm of his. Donovan McNabb is going to have a field day Sunday. My only hesitation in picking Philly is they have to play in the Meadowlands, but it’s not like McNabb isn’t used to 70,000 drunken New Yorkers telling him they’ve porked his mom (while downing a can of Chunky…horrible visual I know). Final note: I read this morning that the Iggles are 8-0 after the bye under Andy Reid. Eagles.

CHI -5 vs. Minny (37 ½) - If this game were in the Metrodome, I might seriously consider taking the Vikings. But it's in the land of SCTV and Perfect Strangers, so I'm taking the Bears, even if Brian Griese is about as confidence-inspiring as Cousin Larry. Even in victory, this might be the week Cedric Benson gets benched for the other Adrian Peterson, which will be fun, since the GOOD version of Adrian Peterson will be standing on the opposite sideline. For some reason people still think the Bears have a good defense...injuries have seen to it that they do not. And the Vikings defense is vastly overrated. Points will be scored gentlemen. With six teams on bye this week, the mediocre prognosticators of this elite group (me and Burr) are only taking two games, but I'll give you two winners here, the Bears and the over.

I'm a Man! I'm 30!!

2007-10-11T10:15:00.000-04:00

Before I get too far into my day and my hangover dissipates too much I figured I’d let everybody know that yesterday was my birthday. And it was kind of a big one. I turned 30. It hasn’t had much of an effect on me (at least to this point) but it did bring home the point that I…am old. Not like can’t play sports anymore old, or wake up early on the weekends when I have nothing to do old (Fucking take me out back and shoot me if I ever start waking up @ 8:30 am for no good reason.) but old enough that the kids who work at the mall will feel like they should call me "Sir" when they’re waiting on me. (Which is fine…totally fine) Old enough that I can call collegiate athletes “kids” without coming off as extremely condescending and douchey. Well, at least anymore condescending and douchey than I normally am.

If anything, turning 30 has allowed me to look back on my 20s and realize that I had a pretty solid run for somebody with a proclivity for strong to quite strong alcoholism, inappropriate jokes about mental retardation and a suspect work ethic. Honestly, its been a pretty good ride thus far. I mean, my life doesn’t inspire constant fellatio from others like this guy, but I’m also not nearly the trainwreck that this guy has become (Give me time).

I’m assuming that most people take stock of their lives at this age and decide that they need to shape up and make some changes. Me? Well, I guess I’m not one of those people. I’m pretty good with everything going on in my life right now and I still have a few more years (fingers crossed) before my body betrays me and I have to take up golf and buy pedialyte by the case to sooth my 48 hour hangovers. Finally, two more things:

- If you haven’t been reading Rod Benson’s blog. Well, you should be. He’s in training camp with the Nets right now. He’s a pretty good writer and funny guy on top of that. He had a blog on the NBDL website last year (which was lovely). Hopefully he’ll make the Nets (who could always use an athletic big man) and keep his blog going all season long. Read the post where he talks about the two sides of Jamaal Malgoire if you want a good laugh. Oh yeah, his birthday is the same as mine so that makes him a pretty awesome dude too. (Both those other guys I linked to share a birthday with me too).

- Finally, I don’t mention my girlfriend on the blog often because I don’t figure anybody wants to read about how much I love her or how we’re redecorating our extra bedroom. Shit, I don’t even want to read about that crap. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention what she got me for my birthday: A bottle of Patron, a bottle of Jager and a tattoo appointment to get my sleeve finished/started on my left arm. That, my friends, is why she is truly the bee’s knees.

(Fuck, I just used bee’s knees correctly. Maybe I really am getting old.)

Did you miss me?

2007-10-09T15:24:00.000-04:00

I assure you that I’ve been super, duper busy these past few days at work. Okay, that’s kind of a lie. I was busy yesterday and half of Friday and the early part of today. Besides that, well, I was doing all kinds of useless shit around the house for most of last week since my office was closed due to a massive construction and renovation project that is still ongoing. As in, right this very second. I wish I was joking about this. At any given moment there are all types of drills and hammers and such making ungodly noises within my previously quiet office building. Have I mentioned that everything is covered in dust and half my shit is sitting in a POD outside in the parking lot? No. Well, yeah, that too. Needless to say, its not the most comfortable work environment I’ve ever been a part of. (And I used to do collections for a glorified loan shark in the ghetto. Seriously.) However, if this is the sacrifice I have to make for 4.5 days of free vacation…well, I say we tear this mother down and start from the ground up. Basically, this intro is just another in a long line of excuses from me on why I haven’t written in a while. I was going to write a post about the LSU game this weekend but the loss was still too fresh and too painful on Monday morning to dive right back into an in-depth analysis. Whatever. You all saw it. Florida played well. Les Miles coached like he was playing a game of Madden (Five fucking 4^th down conversions). The defense tired out and couldn’t make one more play to seal the victory (which there were numerous opportunities to do) and eventually LSU’s experience and homefield advantage won out. I’d say LSU didn’t deserve the victory, but that is horseshit. Hell, Florida probably didn’t deserve to win a couple of games last year but none of that mattered when they were hoisting the National Championship trophy in January. College Football is about one thing: Survive and Advance. That maxim applies this year, maybe more than any in recent memory. One more thing: Last year I coined a nickname for TB Kestahn Moore (there are many inside nicknames that have been concocted between myself and the two guys I watch most Florida games with, Vitas and Sink) that has withstood the test of time. Sadly, in the midst of his finest game as a Gator, his nickname once again proved its genius and staying power. The nickname? Smiley McFumbles. I’m sure you can guess where the last name comes from. As for the first, well:

Let’s just move on before I get all pissed off again.

In the history of fantasy football, I don’t think anybody has ever had a worse day by both of his QBs than I did on Sunday. After weeks of seeing Jon Kitna put up obscene numbers I finally broke down and started him. He responded by posting a whopping 11 pts. Of course, the guy I benched in favor of Kitna, Matt Hasselbeck dropped an identical number. I could’ve started Cleo Lemon and ended up with more points on Sunday.

I know a lot of people who claim to root for all the Florida teams in college football so long as the game doesn’t affect their team in any specific way. These people are a bunch of soulless assholes. I root for Miami to lose every time they play. Florida State could be playing the 1972 USSR Olympic Basketball team (Why are they playing football? Because I’m stoned like I’ve been doing gravity bong hits with Michael and Marcus Vick, that’s why) and I’d openly root for the commies to blow out FSU and break Bobby Bowden’s kneecaps. I didn’t used to feel this way about South Florida. In fact, I always rooted for them. Their ascendance was a sign of the undeniable level of gridiron talent throughout the state of Florida.

That is, until people started talking as though they were a legit national title contender. So, you can imagine my excitement on Saturday as I watched the new darlings of the sports media struggling with the Fighting Schnellenbergers of Florida Atlantic in what looked like my high school’s stadium. South Florida would eventually go on to win but not before the Mighty Owls (that’s their real nickname) shot a shit ton of holes in the “South Florida is the best team in Florida” theory that’s been working its way through the media lately. South Florida is a good team with a very underrated defense and a QB who should be playing at an SEC school. They are not, however, anywhere near as good as they are being made out to be. When they lose to Rutgers in two weeks and you make a ton of money taking Rutgers and the points you can send me a thank you note. And by “thank you note”, I mean a bottle of Jager. Of course.

Finally, before I finish up I’d like to ask each of you to pour a little liquor out tonight for the greatest name in the history of the fullback position, Mack Strong. May you have a long and fruitful career working with Mr. Marcus and Byron Long at your new production company in Van Nuys, CA. You’ve earned it Mack, you’ve earned it.

The cover to Mack's first feature: Pro Balls: Hawaiian Style

Road Trip...

2007-09-26T16:50:00.000-04:00

I’ve got less than a day and a half left at work this week. This is significant for two reasons. (1) I’ll be leaving early Friday afternoon to travel up to Gainesville for my first trip to The Swamp this season in order to attend the Auburn-Florida game airing at 8 pm on ESPN. To say I’m pumped about this would be a huge understatement. (2) After I return home from Gainesville on Sunday afternoon with a vicious hangover and much lighter in the wallet than when I left, I’ll be walking into a week’s worth of vacation from work. Not just any week of vacation either, this is a free week of vacation. You read that right. I’ll be off work all week without using a single vacation day. How is this possible? Well, my office is undergoing a major expansion and renovation project that is going to leave our building powerless for the better part of next week. As a result of this, I’ll be at home all week with little to no work to do. Even our company’s email server will be down so I won’t even have to correspond with anyone who could possibly ask me to do actual “work”. Sure, something could come up where I might have to exert my self for, oh, 30 or 40 minutes but the chances of this actually happening are extremely slim. Originally, I was slated to travel to Baton Rouge next weekend to see the Gators take on LSU but that has recently fallen through. As much as I’d love to attend one of the premier venues in college football for a CBS night game that promises an (cliché alert) electric atmosphere it’s probably just as well considering the way the young Gator defense looked on Saturday in Oxford.

Anywho, this will be my first weekend in Gainesville as an adult. By that I mean that this is the first time that I’ll be going to Gainesville and not crashing with any friends of mine. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Personally, I feel like 12 years is a pretty nice run to have in terms of having a place to crash for college football weekends. As it now stands, my old roommate Vitas, our friend Roman, his old roommate Chris (both Auburn alums) and I are renting an RV (with shitter and shower…huzzah) and setting up shop on UFs campus, just a few drunken stumbles from Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. The last time I attended a game with either Roman or Chris was the now legendary “Ronnie Brown Game”. If you’re familiar with this game, it was another ESPN 8 pm game between Florida and Auburn during the first year of the Ron Zook era. During the second quarter of this game, with Florida in control, Cadillac Williams broke his leg, making the way for an unknown redshirt sophomore named Ronnie Brown. Brown wouldn’t stay unknown for long, as he seemingly turned into Walter Payton before our eyes and hauled Auburn back into the game with the help of a young and inexperienced Jason Campbell. In what would become an all too common occurrence during the Zook era, the Gators lost control of the game as Auburn surged in the second half behind what seemed like 30 broken tackles by Brown. If not for an amazing blocked FG by Bobby McCray and an equally amazing third down Rex Grossman TD pass to Taylor Jacobs in OT, the Gators could’ve possibly ended up the year below .500, as the weight of a historic blowout at the hands of LSU (just a week earlier) and the collapse against Auburn may have doomed an already pathetic Gator season to historic lows. Fortunately, this was not the case. Later, on Auburn’s first possession of OT, former Bear Ian Scott scooped up an Auburn fumble to secure the victory. What followed the end of this memorable game ended up being one of the better nights of my life, as Roman, Vitas, Chris, my roommates Federico and Gomez and I all retired to the Salty Dog Saloon (my favorite dive of all time…I’m coming Salty Dog and I pissed off. Well, not really. I can’t stay mad at you.) where we proceeded to drink copious amounts of liquor and harass everybody who came within a five foot radius of us (which is basically anybody who had to walk to the Salty Dog bathroom). I won’t bore you with the details of our night at the Salty Dog other than to say I received a thank you email from Roman upon his return to Atlanta for, as he put it, “the best night after an Auburn loss…ever.” Personally, there was never a higher compliment issued to me in my many times playing host to friends whilst in college.

This weekend promises to be interesting to say the least. Roman no longer lives in Atlanta or with Chris. He’s married, Chris is engaged and I live with my girlfriend. However, I’m starting to get the feeling that this may mean the weekend is going to end up being even wilder than our last time together. We’ve got a number of other friends coming up on Saturday for the all day tailgate (Good God 8 PM games are amazing.) that will include an 11 foot HDTV screen, two other TVs, truckloads of liquor, a few well timed papal elections and, of course, more young Florida & Auburn coeds than you can shake the proverbial stick at. I plan on taking some pictures so that I have something to post with my description of the weekend’s events and to give you, my faithful readers (reader?) a frame of reference. Hopefully this weekend will end up with a convincing Florida win and maybe some celebratory shots and harassment at the Salty Dog. If not, there’s always the chance that I might hunt down Todd Blackledge and kick his Joe Pa loving ass all over University Ave. I mean, I have all of next week off. What’s a few days in jail, right?

Update: Our Buddy Schmitt is now coming up tomorrow night after he gets off work so it looks like we're gonna have the 11 ft. screen and all the other good stuff (including a BBQ and a tailgate tent starting out on Friday evening. This weekend just keeps getting better.)

Ella, ella, ella, ella...

2007-09-24T14:18:00.001-04:00

I've got a post coming tomorrow discussing my upcoming trip to Gainesville this weekend (Auburn in the Swamp at 8 pm. Fuck. Yeah.) and the completely awesome and free vacation that I have coming my way next week but I couldn't resist posting this video from some Cubs fan who's probably making a song about Rex Grossman as I type this. Hopefully, you'll excuse the short into here, I had to make sure I got this up before TJ.

About a third of people interviewed said they wished they'd waited...and thats probably a low number

2007-09-21T11:35:00.000-04:00

I know that I just posted the weekly picks column but this video is really to good for me to wait nay longer to post. Watch this clip and tell me you don't want to practice abstinence, or make out with this guys' beard. It's tough for me to decide right now.

I think my girlfriend and I need to have a little talk this evening. About...Abstinence, Abstinence. C'mon sing along!

Week 3: Crystal Balls Full of Bong Water

2007-09-21T10:38:00.000-04:00

Hello America. Can I interest you in a Tab or a Fresca? No? How about something to munch on? Maybe some Funyons or Cheez-Its? Did I ever tell you that Jerry’s family buys Cheez-Its but that they are exclusively and aggressively reserved for his dad to eat during Giants games? One time Jerry’s sister ate them (prior to that week’s Giants game) and Jerry’s dad made her sleep under the back deck for a month. While down there, all she found was a bunch of dirt, and more roaches than you could possibly imagine…and I’m not talking about the kind the Orkin man handles. True story.

In other news, we went 0-2 in out First Tier Confidence Picks and decided to mix it up a little and went 0-2 and in our Second Tier Picks as well. This week? Well, there aren't any "Picks We Like So Much We Wanna Take 'Em Out Behind the Middle School and Get Them Pregnant" this week. We just couldn't generate consensus around any one game ATS. Our second tier games would be the Cowboys getting 3 and a hook against the Bears (except Jerry disagrees), the Seahawks only laying a few at home versus the Bengals and Denver over Jax...but only three of us agree on any one of those.

Overall, this group has gone a pitiful 15-16-4 ATS so far. Awful--with me, and to an only slightly lesser extent Mark to blame. The individual breakouts will appear prior to each person’s picks. Here’s a hint—go with TJ…and Whit for all Falcons games.

Geoff (1-4-1 ATS)

Moving on… I believe it was last year that Jerry first offered his theory of “teams regress to their appropriate record” at certain points throughout the season. The theory makes a lot of sense to me and also is an effective crutch to lean on when trying to explain the inexplicable outcomes commonplace in the NFL regular season. It also conveniently applies to each of the games I’m picking this week, which all feature surprise 2-0 teams versus unqualified disappointments. One problem: I can’t seem to force myself to abide by this theory…which brings me to my next point…

I’d like to once again direct your attention to my 1-4-1 record ATS record so far this season. As many people will tell you, it’s been quite an odd and unpredictable year through two weeks, but that excuse really doesn’t apply to me. I was picking this poorly for most of last season too. So, consider this your warning (or, opportunity?) that you should not trust these picks at all (or just go directly against them). Throwing darts at a board, asking advice from that girl you go out with regularly who’s is NOT your girlfriend or just picking the team with the least Methodists (legendarily the pussies of Protestantism) on their roster are all preferable to taking my advice. And with that…on to the picks…

San Diego (-5) @ Green Bay – Doesn’t it feel like these teams have never ever played before? Yes, yes it does. In actuality, they last played in 2003 (a 38-21 win by the Pack at Lambeau) and have played eight times in the franchises storied histories with Green Bay prevailing in no less than seven of those encounters. It is now abundantly clear, for the fourth time, that Norv Turner is to head coaching what Ike Turner is to Mother’s Day. If you’ve never had Norville skipper your particular catamaran, you really can’t conceive of how discomforting it is. Remember when you were 4 years old (or 23 if you’re Swint or Mayhugh) and you couldn’t sleep, so your mom made you some warm milk, read you a story, calmed you down and everything was fine? Well, if Norv Turner was your mom he would just stare blankly at you, tell you to get back in bed and then pace back and forth around your room nervously pleading with you to try harder to sleep. And then at 4 am after a sleepless night, he’d tell you it was all his fault and he’d bring in a freckled-faced African American interim mother to scare the shit out of you until sunrise. Yep, that made no sense. I hate Norv Turner. PACKERS.

Philadelphia (-6.5) vs. Detroit – Much like Mayhugh’s drapes scream at us “We were stolen from the “All in the Family” set,” what does this line scream at us other than “PLEASE bet on the Lions”? The Eagles backs are against the wall and their shirttails are on fire. But here’s my struggle: Donovan McNabb looked so bad on Monday night, I’m not sure I can pick the Eagles. And don’t get me started on Andy Reid’s boneheaded coaching. Everyone’s focusing on the time out call that preceded the Cooley TD, but check out these more damning coaching misfires. The Eagles averaged 5.9 yards per carry against the Redskins on Monday night…but they only ran the ball 15 times the entire game. That is idiotic in and of itself, but even more confusing is that Reid only ran the ball to the right side one time all game even though Phillip Daniels was out with an injured foot and was being replaced by Demetric Evans…who plays the run about as well as my sister. I don’t get it. Also, I’ve got news for the Eagles—Kevin Curtis sucks. He was shut down by Carlos Rogers like nothing I’ve seen. He simply could not get open…because he’s too slow and too goofy and white. I think the Eagles could scrape together a win in their gay powder blue unis, but I’m not remotely convinced of it, so I’m taking the six and a hook. LIONS

Washington (-4) vs. NYGiants - There’s something about this game that makes me uneasy. As Jerry’s regression theory goes, the Redskins just don’t seem good enough to be 3-0 and the Giants just don’t seem quite bad enough to go 0-3. We also discussed last week that the Giants are a bad matchup for the Redskins in that they have an explosive high scoring offense. If the Giants get the ball enough times, they are going to score some touchdowns on you, and the Redskins still struggle to put up points or to get well out in front of anyone. There are three key matchups that will determine the winner in this one.
Redskins Pass Rush versus the Giants Offensive Line: The Redskins defense has five sacks through two games—on pace for 40 this season…which is just a hair better than the 19 sacks they put up all of last year. What’s the difference? Andre Carter stopped playing like an interior designer and Marcus Washington is playing DE on almost half the Skins third downs (44% to this point in the season). Oh, and Laron Landry blitzed 12 times versus Philly. Greggggggg Williams again has confidence in his secondary and they are finding ways to get pressure. If they can pressure Eli as much as they did Donovan, good things can happen.
Michael Strahan/Barry Cofield versus Todd Wade/Jason Fabini – I don’t think I need to explain this one too much here. So far both of these guys (Fabini and Wade) have been fine in protection (though Strahan should be a new and interesting challenge for Wade) but have looked less than stellar on running plays. On Monday night the Skins only ran to their side on five out of 27 running plays, and I fear that the Skins could struggle to run the ball this Sunday. Minus Jason Campbell’s 40 yards rushing, they Skins were only able to rush the ball for 91 yards against Philly (on 27 carries), but they still found a way to move the ball…which leads me to…
Moss/ARE/Cooley versus R.W. McQuarters, Corey Webster and the Giants LBs – If weeks one and two are any indicator, the Redskins should be able to bebop and scat all over the Giants LBs and secondary. The problem is, they’re not really into that sorta thing. The Redskins have in recent years displayed a distinct inability to capitalize on their opponents defensive shortcomings. If they do that again this weekend, I fear bad things.

So, enough hemming and hawing…after going back and forth on this one for a while, it comes down to the fact that I think the Redskins are just playing better football than the Giants right now and that’s why I’m taking them. REDSKINS

Ah yes, one final point—the Skins will be wearing these getups on Sunday as part of the 75^th Anniversary celebration. These are throwbacks to the unis when Vince Lombardi was coaching the Skins, and it doesn’t take Pierre Cardin to tell you that Vince changed them up to look like his old Packers uniforms. I like ‘em…but let’s be honest, this is all just about selling merchandise…predominantly to rappers.

Mark (2-4-0 ATS)

Did anybody else think they were watching a Coors Light commercial when they first saw the footage of Mike Ditka testifying before Congress? No? Well, I bet none of you dicks picked the score of last week’s Broncos-Raiders game within a point either. Who’s awesome? This guy. (both thumbs pointing toward chest) Anyway, on to this week’s picks.

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay (-3.5): So Tampa is giving 3.5 at home this week, huh? I’m guessing that has something to do with the offensive explosion the Bucs had at the hands of the suddenly hapless Saints last week. To say I was surprised by that output would be a gross understatement. I was surprised that Florida dropped 59 on Tennessee last Saturday. I was surprised that Darko Milicic threatened to rape the daughters of various officials at the European Championships a few weeks back. Sunday, well, what’s the word for it? Thesaurus.com says it’s “thunderstruck”. Is that correct? Not sure. Does it sound cool? You bet your ass it does. So, to summarize, Jeff Garcia and Joey Galloway left me thunderstruck last Sunday. Man, that couldn’t have sounder gayer if I had said it while wearing spandex shorts and rollerblading down A1A. Alright, that would’ve been a little bit more gay. Anyway, have you heard the rumor that Torry Holt is gay? No? Well that’s because I just started it, right here. Viva La Internet!!! Since God hates the gays, its clear that the Rams abysmal O-line won’t be able to open holes for Steven Jackson or provide enough time for Marc Bulger against the Bucs’ underrated LB corps this Sunday. Bucs win. Tampa 24-17

Arizona @ Baltimore (-7.5): People are legitimately questioning whether it’s better to start Kyle Boller over Steve McNair this weekend. If anything should convince Air McNair (God, how long has it been since that nickname was apropos in any way?) that it’s time to hang them up, this should be it. No matter who goes for Baltimore, I think Arizona’s got enough on offense to at least keep this close for most of the day. Until, of course, Matt Leinart gently lollipops a throw into the waiting arms of Ed Reed at some point in the second half and Baltimore manages to squeeze out yet another in their seemingly unending string of low scoring, mind numbingly boring field goal fests. I’d ask why people even attend Ravens games but that would be a dumb question, wouldn’t it? I mean, what else are you gonna do in that shithole? Well, besides sell drugs, contract syphilis and murder people. Actually, that’s a pretty nice little Sunday right there. I don’t think there’s gonna be anytime to make it to Bed, Bath & Beyond. Ravens win, don’t cover. Ravens 16-10

Jacksonville @ Denver (-3.5): I don’t think either of these teams are very good. Denver’s gotten two wins by a desperation FG and a desperation timeout to prevent a FG against a couple of mediocre football teams in Buffalo and Oakland. An awful lot of people seemed to think that the Broncos offense would be a juggernaut this year b/c it was Jay Cutler’s second year and they picked up Travis Henry in the off-season while completely ignoring the fact that their WR corps is completely devoid of a proven NFL receiver outside of Javon Walker. Shanahan might be able to spin RBs out of straw but it ain’t that easy to cut-block your way to success in the passing game. Cutler’s still inexperienced and extremely erratic and guys like Brandon Marshall, Domenik Hixon (?) and Brian Clark aren’t exactly the Three Amigos. This Denver offense is going to struggle all year long and the sooner bettors realize it, the better. As for the Jaguars, well, their offense is even worse. Unless David Garrard’s running the ball, he’s not scaring anyone other than his own teammates and possibly the fans in the first few rows of Mile High Stadium. I’d tell you to take the under here but that’s not what I’m being paid for. What do I get paid for? That’s none of your business. No, those are not track marks on my eyelids. Jesus, what is this the Spanish Inquisition? Broncos win. Broncos 23-13

Rob (2-2-1 ATS)

Indianapolis (-6) @ Houston - The Texans didn’t make the cover of Sports Illustrated this week, but they’ve fallen victim to an even more insidious hex – the Curse of the Wounded Wideout. Stud receiver Andre Johnson (for my money, the league’s most underrated skill position player) gorked his knee in last week’s win against Carolina and is out for this big one against the Colts (and, additionally, my intra-division fantasy matchup with the notorious Corcoran brothers). Johnson tallied 58% of the Texans’ 452 passing yards in their two season-opening wins and all of their receiving touchdowns. The list of pass catchers in line to face the Colts includes Owen Daniels, Vonta Leach, Jacoby Jones, Kevin Walter, and Jeb Putzier. I’m a bit slow on the uptake from time to time, but I’m fairly certain that this can’t be a good thing for the Texans. (If you care, I’ll be replacing Johnson with Deion Branch in my lineup this week – that’s a bit less of a dropoff than Matt Schaub’s facing.) Indianapolis covers handily.

New England (-16.5) vs. Buffalo - As New England proved last week, nobody puts baby in a corner. And baby’s angry again. Tom Brady’s fuming over implications that the Pats’ coaching staff provided him in-game defensive adjustments against the Jets, and he’s simply not going to stand for it. Woe be unto the Bills’ defensive backfield. Meanwhile, the Bills roll into Gillette with the league’s 30^th-ranked scoring offense and the 31^st-best total yardage total – and the Pats are tops in the league in yards against. Resistable force, meet immovable object. I know 16 and a hook is a big number, but I think I like it this week. Patriots cover.

Washington (-4) @ NYG - The Skins will be wearing their spiffy canary yellow throwback threads this week. According to Tiki Barber, Eli Manning is yellow. Ipso facto, the Skins should coast, or something. But I’m 0-1-1 in games involving my putative favorite NFL squadron, so perhaps a bit more diligence is required. And while the results of the first two weeks would seem to indicate teams headed in different directions, my fan’s psyche has been battered by the Snyder administration’s ineptitude and I’m just not ready to believe. I’m driving the anti-bandwagon – it’s a late-model Prius with a bumper sticker featuring a peace sign and a Visualize World Peace bumper sticker.

Buges has spent the whole week cackling about the odd names on the Giants’ roster. He’s been telling anyone that’ll listen how Osi reminds him of a Filipino hooker he used to know. Talented girl. Talented girl. Giants beat the number.

Whit (3-2-1 ATS)

Carolina (-3.5) @ Atlanta - Good thing I have long arms -- it's tough to toot your own horn and pat yourself on the back simultaneously, but I can manage it. Week 1 I said Vikings 23, Falcons 3. (It was 24-3). Last week I said Jaguars 13, Falcons 7. (And it was so.) If you have half a brain in your body, bet the diametric opposite of what I say in this space this week. Don't think I'm kidding. Anyway, the Panthers won big in a road dome and crapped out at home; this week they're in the Georgia Dome. After this game, the Falcons will have doubled their season point total . . . which ain't saying much. Atlanta's home opener could be a bloodbath, but it's more likely to be a slightly closer affair -- just not nearly close enough for this line. Panthers 24, Falcons 10.

Tennessee (+4.5) @ New Orleans - Tennessee versus New Orleans. Country music versus Zydeco. Baptist ministers versus voodoo priestesses. Barbecue versus jambalaya, cornbread versus beignets. The Firm versus The Pelican Brief. Beale Street versus Bourbon Street. Graceland versus Igors. Tornadoes versus hurricanes. Moonshine versus Hurricanes. Rampant incestry versus Hurricane Katrina. "Memphis Blues" versus "Going Back to New Orleans." "When the Saints Go Marching In" versus . . . okay, there are no songs about Titans. Saints 24, Titans 17.

NY Giants (+4) @ Washington - 17 years ago Rob and I traveled up to the DC area from Williamsburg, VA for fall break, a few days that culminated in our attendance of the Giants vs. Redskins game at RFK. One of our fraternity brothers' stepfather was the GM for RFK at the time, and despite our friend's black sheep status in his family, we were able to score four tickets, gratis. Correction: four all-access field passes. While Rob and our buddy bird's-eyed it from the press box down the row from Madden & Summerall, our other friend Cliff and I ventured down to the sideline. We watched the Skins warm up and marveled at the size of the players -- how large the lineman were, but also how tiny the receivers and D-backs were. Later, NYG QB Jeff Hostetler was tackled out of bounds at our feet and had the wind knocked out of him as we peered down at his gasping face. The Skins scored right as we were at the corner of the end zone. It was the coolest vantage point I've ever had for a sporting event, bar none . . . And then the Redskins dropped back to receive a punt with a late lead, needing only to salt it away with a modest drive. And then the ball bounced and inexplicably caromed off Johnny Thomas's leg and into the arms of a Giant special teamer. And then the Giants scored. And then the Redskins lost. And it was sad. It couldn't take away from the experience, but it really rather sucked. It's kind of like when you're in the throes of it with the most beautiful woman you've ever had, and she inadvertently racks you with a vigorous elbow to the point where you nearly pass out from the pain. You know, like that. So I was invited to come up for this Sunday's game. Don't think I can swing it, though, and that may make all the difference. Redskins 26, Giants 24.

Pic taken by Whit at aforementioned game.

TJ (4-1-1 ATS)

NY JETS -3 vs. Miami - We'll get the pick out of the way now. I'm taking the Jets. Shocking I know. The pick has nothing to do with how awful the Dolphins offense is...though that's reason enough to bet on the Jets. The real reason: "Fireman Ed" Anzalone, the Jets most famous fan, had knee surgery recently and is reportedly out for the season (though Mangini keeps listing him as Probable on the injury report). He most definitely will not be at the Meadowlands for this game. TJ, you're saying, doesn't that mean the Jets are more likely to lose without his enthusiastic support and nonstop "J-E-T-S...JETS...JETS...JETS" chants? Nope, not when Dolphins DE Vonnie Holiday opens his big mouth and blasphemes Ed. Vonnie (nice name pal), upon realizing a TV report about Jets' "injuries" was actually referring to Fireman Ed, said ''Then, I look up and it's this guy. You have got to be kidding me. Now, I want to know who's going to lead that charge? Who's going to lead the 'J-E-T-S'?'' The whole fucking stadium, you moron, that's who. And all those boos Vonnie, they're for your sorry ass.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue: You get two here, because the stat for the Raiders/Browns game doesn't jive with who I'm picking. The Dolphins are 6-22 ATS in their last 28 games vs. the AFC East. Not convinced? The Dolphins are also 4-18-1 ATS in their last 23 meetings against the Gang Green.

PITT -9 vs. SF - Yes, I think Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin is doing a terrific job in his first two weeks as the head man. And yes, Pittsburgh has looked mighty good in Weeks 1 and 2, but the Browns and Bills are trifling. SF might not be much to write home about on offense (yet), but they have an above average defensive unit and 9 points sure seems like a lot, even at Ketchup Only Field. Of even more importance to Steelers fans - 49ers TE Vernon Davis, he of the intimidating "Click Clack" ads, is pissed off about his involvement, or lack thereof, in the offense, and I have a strange feeling he's out to prove something this week. Davis has only 4 catches for 27 yards through the first two games of the season, and met Wednesday with head coach Mike Nolan to "personally register his concerns over his lack of involvement in the offense." In other words, Alex Smith is looking his way all day long, and Davis is running over Troy Polamalu at least once for a TD. I say Hines Ward keeps the Pittsburgh faithful happy by becoming only the second player in franchise history to accumulate 60 TDs by catching one this week (John Stallworth had 63), but the 49ers are this guy's choice.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue: The Steelers are 2-7 ATS vs. a team with a winning record. And will you look at that, the 49ers are 2-0. Shazam.

SEATTLE -3 vs. Cincy - Last week the Cincinnati Bengals allowed the Cleveland Browns to score 51 points. Jamal Lewis' cadaver (I'm sick of the "corpse" over usage) rushed for 216 yards against the Bengals. Derek Anderson threw for 328 yards and 5 TDs. The Seattle Seahawks RB and QB are, to say the least, slightly better than Lewis and Anderson. Maybe Seattle doesn't score 52 this week, but they sure as hell will score enough to win by 3. Frankly, I don't ever want to hear "Marvin Lewis" and "defensive genius" in the same sentence again, unless of course you are talking about Marvin's well-known brilliance at the game of Risk. I mean, once that guy gets a foothold in Australia (and the bonus armies start rolling in), forget it, game over man. Game...over.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue: The Seahawks are 9-4-1 ATS in their last 14 home games.

OAK -3 vs. Cleveland - Whooohooo, my picking prowess in Weeks 1 and 2 mean I get a 4th game this week. Wait, what?? That game is Browns at Raiders? F U pal. I know, Cleveland scored 51 this week and won. We've been over this. I'm sick of talking about it, you're sick of reading about it. The Browns suck. They do. I'm sorry Cleveland, but be happy if they scrap and claw their way to 3-13. This Raiders defense is good. They get pressure on the QB and force turnovers. Sound familiar? Right, just like the Steelers defense Cleveland faced in Week 1. And how'd that work out? I don't care if Lane Kiffin rotates Vince Evans and Todd Marinovich at QB this week, the Raiders are the pick.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue: Here's the stat I would've used if I thought Cleveland had any shot. Which I don't. The Browns are 7-1 ATS in their last 8 games in Week 3. That's like finding out Dark Helmet is Lone Starr's father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. It means absolutely nothing.

Jerry (3-3-0 ATS)

Dallas (+3.5) at Chicago – Why is Mike Ditka still getting regular radio spots and TV appearances? One reason: Bill Swerski's Superfans. I didn't realize it until recently, but Ditka doesn't even border on being entertaining, interesting, or informative. He's actually kind of bland. Yet he still keeps showing up over and over and people expect him to say something cool. Never happens. His entire reputation is built on a series of Saturday Night Live Skits. Pretty amazing, and it makes you wonder what would happen if Neil Diamond got a VH1 reality show. We'd be expecting him to pop pills, batter minorities, and run down the youth of tomorrow, but he'd probably just sit around and eat Pringles. As for the game, I'm feeling a typical Bears win. Bogging down the Dallas offense, punting on 2^nd down, and hoping for a defensive or special teams TD. Bears 19 Cowboys 13.

Minnesota (+2.5) at Cheeves – I've come to learn that my fantasies are different than the average bear. For me, it would've been a dream to be in some important, smoky room in Las Vegas with a bunch of other professional degenerates and say, "Looks like Tavaris Jackson is out on Sunday, how is that gonna affect our line?" What's the response? Laughter? Pensive thought? Whizzing a crumpled up porn ball at me? I'd really like to see how that went down. Game – Vikings defense good. KC nothing good. Simple enough. Vikings 19 Cheeves 6.

New York Football Giants (+4) at Dirt Worshippers – Yeah, we're callin'em people now. No more of this several handed shit. We're gonna drive those territorial cocksuckers in Yankton straight into the turf. Who? Me and you, you stupid bastard. Cut out the fucking dimwittedness of the coverage scheme, lest I flee my apartment in horror. Stop playing like the Ambulators. Who's gonna be comptroller? Michael Strahan. He's gonna chair the piss out of the line of scrimmage. Blow by that squarehead Todd Wade like he's wearing a frock coat. Underarms clean. Cunts braided. Hang Fucking Die. Giants 38 Dirt Worshippers Head in a Box

Okay...let's be careful out there...

Week 2: Mazeltov!

2007-09-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

Happy unnamed Jewish Holiday(s?) to all my Jewish(ish) friend(Hi Aaron!). We went a not too embarrassing 8-6-4 ATS last week (and there are two extra games there due to three of us picking the Skins game each week). This week's effort is approaching 5,000 words...so you might wanna print this out and take it to the crapper...

We’ll start off this week with a new feature that I am unilaterally electing to name “This Week’s Lines That We Like So Much We Want to Take Them Back Behind the Middle School and Get Them Pregnant.” It’s pretty simple—in addition to our pithy picks sniglets, the six of us will get together every week and pick three to five games that we all really like (more than friends) ATS. Here are this week’s:

This Week’s Lines That We Like So Much We Want to Take Them Back Behind the Middle School and Get Them Pregnant aka Supreme Confidence Locks of the Week:

New Orleans (-3) over Tampa Bay – the Saints are on the road, but you have to go with them here to cover the three. Is Vegas really saying that on a neutral field, this would be a pick ‘em? Edit: Oh wait, no, that's not at all what Vegas is saying...they're saying on a neutral field it would be Saints by 6. But why would they play on a neutral field? That makes no sense...unless they met in the Super Bowl...like in that Broncos-Colts fictional Super Bowl I predicted a couple years back. Moving on...

Cincy (-6.5) over Cleveland – Usually you don’t look to a 6.5 point road dog to be one of your locks…but you also usually don’t see teams as God awful as the Browns. The guy who started at QB for them opening day (aka last week)? Yeah, he’s no longer with the franchise. Bet that’s never happened before.

On the second tier, most of us like the Eagles at home to cover the 7 against the Skins and Seattle to cover the 2.5 @ Arizona. Jerry has fallen deeply in like with Detroit over Minny and TJ is ring shopping with the Bears covering the 13 at KC. Let’s get ready to gamble…

And now, on with the picks.

Houston @ Carolina (-6.5) - Ah yes, the Panthers have been waiting years to get their revenge. You see, the Texans beat Carolina 14-10 way back in 2003 (the only time they've ever met, in fact) behind the "stellar" play of Tony Banks (wow) and Carolina coach John Fox has been waiting 4 years to beat "those queers from Harris County" (his words not mine, so take a deep breath, put down your pink Razr phone and go back to watching E! Fashion Emergency). For some odd reason (alcohol), I have adopted the Houston Texans as my 2007 Sleeper Team, and thus feel compelled to take them in Week 2, even though they are on the road and their Week 1 win over the Corpses of Kansas City revealed absolutely nothing (well, it revealed how awful KC is, but nothing else). Here's hoping Mario Williams scores again so we can listen to some asshat like Sean Salisbury tell us "You know, he's got more TDs that Bush...hahaha...Trey, look how funny and insightful I am...Trey?" Houston.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The Panthers are 3-7 ATS in their last 10 home games.

Cincinnati (+6.5) @ Cleveland - The Hindenburg. Dukakis in '88. Zubaz. Fox's new show K-Ville (seriously, have you seen the commercial for this? This might be the first show ever to get canceled halfway through the first episode). Coverdale-Page. The film version of Bonfire of the Vanities. New Coke. Cop Rock. My brief foray into Kabuki Theater. Highlander II: The Quickening. Carrot Top. That's right, you can already add the 2007 Cleveland Browns to the above list of epic disasters. Go look at the Browns schedule and try to find me more than two wins...
...
...
You done? Couldn't do it, could you? The spread could be 20 in this game and the Bengals could be starting this guy at QB and I'd still be taking Cincy. [Note to Swint: This is free money. Tell Moose and Rocco you want to put at least a grand on this one.] Expect Phil Savage to trade Derek Anderson on Tuesday to the Frankfurt Galaxy (do they even exist anymore?) and replace him on the roster with Brock Berlin. Bengals.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The Bengals are 15-4-1 ATS in their last 20 road games.

NY Jets @ Baltimore (-10) - It's Kyle Boller vs. Kellen Clemens for all the marbles. I believe these two faced each other once in college, in a 2002 PAC-10 battle (Boller playing for the overrated Jeff Tedford at Cal, Clemens donning a space age all green uni for Oregon), but the internet is not helping me find a box score to confirm this, so let's just move on. The Newark Star-Ledger is reporting Clemens will be the Jets QB in Week 2, replacing Chaz Sexington, who has the dreaded high-ankle sprain. Penis-head John Clayton says Steve McNair is also out this week, having re-injured a groin that I'm pretty sure has been bothering him since his days at Alcorn State. I'm sorry, but a Kyle Boller-led team being 10 point favorites? Even if I wasn't a Jets fan, that's a tough spread to swallow. And yes, I know the double murderer and his defensive mates will most likely feast on Kellen. It's going down like this: Clemens plays valiantly, outplaying the still jittery Boller, but the Jets lose the game on a late Ed Reed TD (fumble return, INT return, punt return...who knows with that guy). However, they do cover, and that's all you care about, isn't it you gambling fiends? Jets.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The Jets are 10-2 ATS vs. a team with a losing record.

Jerry

When you get assigned games with spreads of 7, 3, and 0, it pretty much means that Vegas has no idea what's going to happen. They threw up their hands, found the closest football number that separates the teams, and let the betting public think amongst themselves. Be prepared for the least insightful trio of predictions you'll see in a while. Truth is, I wouldn't touch any of these games, even if I had all of Geoff's "old credenza" money.

Packers @ Giants (pick'em) – Over on the Giants message board, people were trying to make themselves feel better about the Green Bay game by invoking the memory of Jeff Hostetler's 1990 run to the Super Bowl as a backup QB. I'd just like to think of Hostetler's mustache on Jared Lorenzen's face.

I have no idea what to make of this game, so I'll just discuss something Giants-related that's been confusing me recently. In 2000, Jim Fassel pushed his chips to the middle of the table and took over play-calling duties from Sean Payton. The Giants offensive production increased by about 50%. In 2006, Brian Billick took over play-calling duties from Jim Fassel. The Ravens offensive production increased by 50%. Also in 2006, Sean Payton took over the Saints play-calling duties and they had the #1 offense in the league. Try explaining that one, smart guy.

The feeling here is that Eli doesn't play and the Packers win a really boring game that turns on 3-5 really weird plays. All the while Favre and Lorezen would rather be shooting and eating deer. Packers

Colts (+7) @ Titans – I've spent the past 15 minutes trying to make up some jokes about Tony Dungy's best-selling book, but I can't find a bad word about it anywhere on the internet. Amazon.com has 41 out of 44 reviews as 5 stars, and the other 3 are 4 stars. I find this deeply disturbing. The internet – a place where you could probably find video of a horse screwing a physics student – has nothing bad to say about this best-selling book. No snarky bloggers. No religion-hating extremists. No anti-sap logic-mongers. No Patriots fans complaining that Belichick's book should've sold more copies. Nothing. I'm scared.

There are two ways this game could play out: 1) Colts aerial rout or 2) Tennessee plays one of those scrappy ball control games that frustrates Indy and its close in the 4^th quarter. I'll take the Colts because even in scenario 2, they could cover the spread. Colts.

San Francisco (+3) at St. Louis – Last week I had Panthers-Rams. This week it's the 49ers. I don't know what to say other than: these games are stupid. 49ers, Rams, Panthers, Cardinals, Packers. What's the difference? These teams are all the same 7 to 9 win crap boring mediocrities and when they get together, the outcome is nearly random. I mean, really, who the hell cares? We're an NFC-heavy blog – does anybody give a damn about this game or have any idea who's going to win? I sure as hell don't. All I want is for Jeff Wilkins to kick a lot of long field goals.

In honor of Geoff's post earlier this week, I'll be picking against St. Louis because of the massive hole that Orlando "Tubby" Pace leaves on the left side of the offensive line. It really is a huge loss and the Rams offense was markedly worse after Pace left the game on Sunday. 49ers.

Whit

Atlanta @ Jacksonville (-10) - The Falcons are somewhere between Bill Simmons' square peg/round hole insertion of them into his Ewing Theory (he shrewdly picked them as the 12th best team in the NFL this year) and the 24-3 ass-kickees at the foot of a mediocre Viking club. They stink. They stink bad. But here's the thing: oddsmakers are taking (10!) points away from a Jacksonville team that allowed 282 rushing yards to the powerhouse Titans while grinding out 72 of their own. At home. While mustering a mere 10 points. One week is one week, and anything can happen, but don't spit on the Falcons by giving a 10-point cushion to the so-so Jags and tell them it's raining. Jaguars 13, Falcons 7.

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh (-9.5) - In 1992, the New York Jets lost Dennis Byrd to a paralyzing vertebra injury in Week 13 against the Chiefs. The Jets would win only one of their four remaining contests to finish 4-12, but the one game they won was the week following the incident in Buffalo against the Super Bowl-bound Bills. Just a year earlier, Detroit Lions guard Mike Utley had suffered a similar spinal injury that paralyzed him. The Lions went into the Metrodome and throttled the Vikes a week later. (The late Darryl Stingley's injury happened in pre-season, otherwise there might be a similar follow-up.) The point? Teams band together and overachieve after something like this happens, at least for one glorious game. Can the beat-up Bills go into Heinz Field and knock off the Steelers? Now that'd be something special. More to the point, can they cover? You betcha. Steelers 24, Bills 16.

Washington @ Philadelphia (-7) - Did You Know??? Philadelphia was the capital of the United States from 1790 to 1800. The capital was moved to Washington when John Adams got sick of the local residents giving up on every president three months into his term, booing every session of Congress, and suggesting we let Mexico come in and take over. Already noting that the newly formed Library of Congress would be of little service to Philadelphia denizens (a cracked bell was high-minded culture to them), the last straw for Adams & company was when Vinneus from New Hope sent a Western Union telegram suggesting that Napoleon and or his own smallpox-laden mother would do a better job with the Presidency. Now . . . everyone pause for a second and think about what this country might be like if the move hadn't happened.

Now put your money on Vinneus' Eagles. 21-13.

Geoff

Dallas (-3.5) @ Miami – This will be a very telling game for both teams. The Dolphins offense looked slightly better than last year’s version against the Skins (Is that Cam Cam’s work, or just the upgrade from Cleo Lemon to Trent Green? And speaking of, ‘member that band Letters to Cleo? I miss them like crazy. I bet Whitney and Rob hated them because they never played the Birchmere and more than six people had heard of them. Moving on…) and the Cowboys offense looked like Hawaii, Texas Tech, BYU and Loyola Marymount combined against the Giants. So, is the Giants defense horrible, or are the Cowboys an offensive juggernaut? And, is the Dolphins offense still poopy, or is the Redskins defense back to being a force? My guess is that the Cowboys have a very good offense, and the Dolphins will have a mediocre offense this season (a major improvement). I think the Cowboys to again break the 35 point barrier but also give up way too much on the defensive side, in part due to injuries to Newman, Greg Ellis and Ferguson. They do enough to go 2-0. Cowboys, 38-27.

Jerry made an interesting point the other night—if Wade Phillips didn’t look like a mix between John Candy and Captain Kangaroo, he would probably be a much more well-respected coach. I mean, his defenses have always been solid and he’s over .500 as a head coach. But I, like everyone else, still think of him as a small town sheriff in some backwoods Texas town who repeatedly spills chili on his uniform and can’t seem to figure out who keeps knocking over all the mailboxes.

KC (+13) @ Chicago – As I once heard Steve Mariucci yell on the Niners sideline, “Holy wow!” 13 points? I had a brief inkling to pick the Chieves to cover here, but then I remembered watching the Chargers-Bears game and even with the injuries, I can’t really foresee a scenario in which the Chiefs get a first down against the Bears defense in this one. By the way, for those of us who watched Hard Knocks, it was nice to get a chance to see what Larry Johnson spent his month long holdout doing: Painting…poorly. Did anyone see that picture he was working on of Jim Brown? It looked like he was trying to draw the solar system or something. And how about Dwayne Bowe and Chris Sippio realizing they were cousins after being on the same team for over a week? This never happens to anyone I know. I mean, I found out after working here for a year that hot dog eating phenom Joey Chestnutt’s sister works in my building and I felt like I had had my head buried in the sand…but I’m pretty sure there aren’t any level one blood relatives here…and if there were, and I was introduced to them…I would know within seconds, let alone weeks, that we were “kin,” as they say in the South. My point? Bears, 24-7. (Defensive TD for KC on a SexyRexy INT/fumble/bedwetting)

Washington (+7) @ Philadelphia – I’m sticking to my guns on this one. This is a game the Redskins lose. Until further notice (and the Redskins should feel free to serve that notice at their earliest convenience) the Eagles just have a major mental advantage over the Skins—they know they will beat them and the Skins don’t think they can win. The Eagles have won eight of the last ten meetings, and the two wins the Skins have notched are “suspect” at best. Win #1 is the Sunday night game from ’05 where Terrell Owens had just been suspended. The game was at FedEx (I was there) and the Eagles were reeling from the sort of personality turmoil that is rare in sports but is commonplace when dealing with T.O. That game is a little suspect. Not this one though: The other W came in week 17 of that same year, when Mike McMahon started at QB for the Eagles (until he got benched late for Koy F’ing Detmer…dagger), Ryan Moats was at RB and half of their defense was injured or golfing…the Eagles were 6-9 and playing for nothing and the Skins were playing for their playoff lives for the first time since I was in high school…and it was still a nail-biter until Sean Taylor sealed it with a TD. I like the Eagles offense to find its stride, the Redskins offense to continue to struggle to score TDs and a final of 31-16 Eagles. And hey—Coach Williams…can I call you Gregggggggggg? Thanks. Could you do me a solid and start Shawn Springs this week? Here’s the thing: I think “skill level” should be at least part of the criteria for determining “starters.” Sound good? Tits. Ok, stay black.

The Redskins are going to lose this game, and that is a tragedy. But they will lose because they have no offense, they have no passing game…and God(ell) was watching.

Rob

Minnesota @ Detroit (-3.5) - Detroit! Hot! Sexy! Also, still run by Matt Millen. Minnesota. Solid. Boring. Solid. And more boring. Except for that nifty Peterson fellow. Vikings edge the number.

San Diego @ New England (-4) - The Belichick-era Patriots have been exceptional at either blocking out distractions or using them to their advantage, jujitsu-style. They’ve not ever had to handle one that directly impacted their coach as much as this week’s cheating conflagration, though. The Bolts would appear to have some real advantages in this one – in addition to the scandal engulfing the New England front office and coaching staff, there’s real anger in the San Diego locker room after the Pats’ field-stomping playoff win. All systems seem to point to a Charger upset…until you remember that it’s Belichick versus Turner. The Pats’ head man could actually tell Norv the play calls in advance and I’d still put my money on Brady and the boys. Patriots by 10.

Washington @ Philadelphia (-7) - I was distracted last week when my daughter started kindergarten – I have no earthly clue how Andy Reid can concentrate on his job right now. I’m can’t believe he green-lighted the early retirement gift package the Iggles’ special teams offered Brett Favre and the Packers in Week One. Meanwhile, the Skins ground out a 16-13 overtimer against Miami in their opener. Joe Bugel remains confused, but this time he’s trying to figure out what everyone’s got against heroines – he loves both Harriet Tubman and Wonder Woman.

I’m almost ready to believe in the Skins. Almost, but not quite. Philly covers.

Mark

Saints @ Bucs (+3.5) - Both of these teams lost last week by significant margins to teams who were recent Super Bowl participants and picked to win their respective divisions. So, this should be a close game, right? Umm, no. The Saints are good and the Bucs, well, let’s just say that that they should be happy they don’t play in the AFC. They’d undoubtedly be the worst team the entire conference. As it stands now, the Bucs may not even be the worst team in their own division. In other news, I’m starting to come around on the whole Mike Vick thing. He seems like a nice enough fellow and all. As for this game, I have a distinct feeling it’s going to look a whole lot more like the second meeting between these two teams last year (A blowout victory for N.O. featuring Saints receivers running open and free all over the secondary) then the first (A close game clinched by Reggie Bush’s first NFL TD, a punt return TD). To be honest, depending on the way tomorrow’s Florida-Tennessee game goes I may not even care if the Bucs even show up come Sunday afternoon. Saints 31- 10

Oakland @ Denver (-10) - I really enjoyed the player ranking column that Geoff and Jerry ran earlier this week. I was stuck in training at the time but managed to read it and decided to add a few guys I thought also deserved mention. Nnamdi Asomugha was one of these guys. He’s as a good a corner as there is in the NFL right now. You know who I never even thought to mention? Champ Bailey. Sure, he’s good. Just not nearly as good as his reputation would lead you to believe. I’m calling it right here, Daunte Culpepper beats Champ deep for 6 at least once on Sunday. Book it. When you’re swimming around in piles of cash like Scrooge McDuck on Monday morning, remember to send me a thank you card. Something like this would be nice.

Anyway, I’m feeling the Raiders covering here. I’m also feeling like my herpes is about to flair up. Tennessee week always does this to me. Broncos 24- Oakland 20

Seattle @ Arizona (+3) - Has anybody actually figured out who Matt Leinart hangs out with on the Cardinals? I guess maybe Deuce Lutui. He seems fun enough and he went to USC with Leinart so I could see that. However, we all know you can only hang out with fat, sweaty guys for so long before they begin to stink like old bacon left out in the sun and that doesn’t exactly attract the ladies. Well, ladies out of Tennessee that is. I guess I’m talking about this because I have a real hard time picturing Leinart chilling out with Boldin, Fitzgerald and Edgerrin James and because this game isn’t very intriguing. Patrick Kerney’s gonna earn some of that big signing bonus this weekend against the traditionally awful Cardinal O-Line. Will he be worth all that money? Not a chance. Will he earn half his sacks this season in two games against the Cardinals? You betcha. Take Seattle here and throw some extra money on Shaun Alexander scoring at least two TDs while you’re at it. Seattle 27- 13

Seriously...did anyone other than me read all that?

Week 1: Well, That Certainly Looks Like a Lot of Words

2007-09-06T12:02:00.001-04:00

Week One of the 2007-8 NFL Campaign is upon us, and the annual event that has become a yearly tradition at the Wheelhouse will return again to bring joy, sexual arousal and wheelbarrows of belly laughs to the clamoring masses. Yes, it's the weekly NFL picks column where we pick the NFL games (against the spread, like real men) poorly. However, this year, there's a new wrinkle. In the coming weeks, the mental giants who have lo' the many years brought you Jerry's Wheelhouse, Drunk & Stupid and Gheorghe: The Blog will be aggregating our efforts to bring you one all encompassing study in cyber-mediocrity. Our yet to officially be announced new venture will probably launch later this month or possibly in early October...and will be a fancier version of our current respective efforts with some new elitist twists and more overall content. I know--this is kind of like the AFL-NFL merger and Smith meeting up with Wesson all in one. All right. Well, in honor of this informal announcement of a soon to be formalized announcement, the men who will bring you said new site have gotten together to provide a group efforted week one pick'em opus. Each respective contributor picked his favorite squadron's game (for your reference Geoff-Skins, Whit-Skins, rob-Skins, TJ - Jets, Jerry - Giants, Mark - Bucs), plus two others. I know...I've got wood too... Enjoy.

Jerry

Pittsburgh (-4.5) at Cleveland

Tradition. Fat mustachioed fans. Two "classy" coaches. Clouds.

Shrinking cities. Three yard off-tackle runs. Unusual color schemes.

Two teams that "flat-out don't like each other." Yup, this game has it all, and then some.

If somebody asked me to sum up the difference in media coverage between foreign and American sports, I might say that the CBS broadcast of this heated rivalry is guaranteed to feature some sort of QB comparison graphic that says, "Roethlisberger with Fryes."

Prediction: The Fryes will be soggy, the Berger will be well-done, the bun won't even have sesame seeds, and Willie Parker will provide more than enough shake to easily cover the spread. Then Romeo Crenell will eat all of them in an effort to close the 10 fanny-pack gap that his old buddy Charlie Weis has opened up on him.

Carolina (+1) at St. Louis

Last week I dined with Rams owner, Georgia Frontiere, at a lovely little bistro overlooking the Mississippi that came recommended by none other than Dick Vermeil. What a lovely setting and what a lovely woman. Her homespun tales of football and show business nearly had me forgetting about the scrumptious spiced lamb shanks and the delectable pumpkin risotto. After the meal we sipped a knee-buckling good glass of Da Silva's Vintage Port 1865, which is a personal favorite of former commissioner, Paul Tagliabue. Frontiere mentioned to me how excited she was about the upcoming season and how she thinks this is the best squad she's had since the Vermeil-era. She seemed particularly taken by rookie RB, Brian Leonard, as she referenced his versatility, professionalism, and rugged masculinity on several occasions.

Who will win? I don't know. I don't know very much about football.

It's difficult to even think about such a violent game after such a tranquil meal. All I know is, good luck, Men of Linehan. This neutral observer will be hoping the Ram-Men can cast one more ray of sunshine through the misty autumn clouds of this fine woman's life.

Rams.

Giants (+6) at Dallas

Woody Paige on the Giants: "I don't like this team, I don't like the quarterback, and I really don't like Tom Coughlin."

Some preview of this game : "Giants at Cowboys. Division rivals split the 2006 series, but N.Y. is headed south, while Dallas is on the way up." (seriously, that's the whole thing and it came from a professional website)

Some terrible writer on msnbc.com claimed there are 24 QBs he'd rather have over Eli Manning, including Batch, Huard, Garcia, Leinart, Smith, and Leftwich.

I haven't seen a team, (bear in mind a team that has made consecutive playoff appearances), that has been so thoroughly blasted in the media in such a vapidly superficial way. No doubt, the Giants have some concerns, most notably a dreadful secondary, but everything you hear is Barber, Coughlin, Manning stinks. Not much meat on that bone. Now I have a pretty healthy dislike for Coughlin and I think he's a pretty terrible coach, but the Giants have shown they can win games with him stomping around like a hyper-active 60 year old toddler on the sidelines.

Something that a lot of people seem to be forgetting is that the Giants have been pretty good when they're relatively healthy. In 2005 they went 11-5 and won the division. In 2006, they started 6-2, led the Bears at home on Sunday night before going on to completely self-destruct. But they still made the playoffs at 8-8, which is kind of a joke. Injuries are a fact of life in the NFL and nobody gives a damn if your guys are hurt, so I won't be whining about them, but they should be a consideration when projecting a team's prospects for the following year. Dallas had virtually no injuries last year and managed to make the playoffs.

For what it's worth, Eli has looked fantastic in the pre-season, sharp, accurate, composed. He's going to get better. And he hasn't been that bad. I'm constantly amazed by the amount of stick Eli takes in the media, especially versus other young QBs. You hear people gush about Alex Smith and Matt Leinart. I even heard somebody say "We know Tavaris Jackson is a good QB…" although that was probably an isolated comment. Eli is better than those guys. He really is. He's not a great player right now by any means, but he's pretty decent and he's still going to improve. Barring massive injuries, the Giants are going to have a good offense this year. The defense will have some problems and is going to lose their share of battles, but they also have a good pass rush and the ability to counteract a negative series of plays by getting pressure on the QB. I don't like this Giants team that much, but they're a lot better than they're getting credit for. Giants.

Whitney

Atlanta @ Minnesota (-3)

A year ago the Vikings were the ones groin-deep in controversy, as the final dust was settling on Freddie Smoot and his fellow nautical enthusiasts. A year later Smoot's in Redskins camp while Michael Vick is headed to federal prison (some might say a comparable fate), and it's the Falcons who are looking at a long rebuilding season. Word on the street is that Chris Chandler is mulling a comeback, despite the fact that it could result in serious head injuries for him and me. The fact that I'm kidding and yet he might be the Falcons' best good chance against Tarvaris Jackson spells very bad newz for Atlanta. Vikes 23, Falcons 3.

Detroit @ Oakland (-1.5)

Some years ago we were throwing back a few pints in a pub in San Francisco's Financial District. A woman who appeared to have gone to U. of Houston approached the group and bought us a drink. She volunteered that she was from "the worst city in the United States"; several locals instantly guessed Oakland. Nope, it was Detroit. Winner. Lions 27, Raiders 13.

Miami @ Washington (-3)

Super Bowl XVII this ain't. The decent Dolphins D ain't the Killer B's; same goes for the albeit-improved Skins' defense as compared to Butz, Milot, Manley, & Co. Ronnie Brown has been only marginally better than the forgettable Andra Franklin, and Portis & Betts (together they're Bettis?) still don't stack up to Riggo. But most importantly, Trent & Jason aren't even Woodley & Theismann, and boy, is that saying something. This game will be the first bleeding eyesore of the season. Enjoy. Redskins 9, Dolphins 7.

Rob

Kansas City @ Houston (-3)

Huard versus Schaub. Not exactly Manning versus Brady. The Texans have jumped ugly on unsuspecting teams in a handful of their season openers*, and the fabled HBO Curse has crippled lesser teams than the Chiefs. Okay, the curse has crippled teams with lesser head coaches. Strike that. The curse has crippled teams with fewer words in the names of their home towns. Noted prognosticator T. Geofferson Burrrrrr whiffed on the Kansas City gridders last season, but he wouldn’t be wrong in 2007 by taking the under on 7 wins. Texans cover the number.

* - Note: this may be purely anecdotal and not necessarily backed by any actual facts.

Most important DNP: Brodie Croyle, because putting him on the field all but assures an injury, and his comely wife won’t have that.

Denver @ Buffalo (+3)

I’ve paid next to zero attention to either of these teams during the preseason, so I know just about nothing about their prospects. I was gonna go with the Bills because I like Marshawn Lynch’s name, but then Denver went and picked up Simeon Rice to counter Buffalo’s naming advantage. In actual fact, I don’t think the Bills will be very good, and I’m a sucker for Mike Shanahan. Broncos’ long-standing grudge against the Bills’ namesake will prove decisive in this one. Denver covers on the road.

Most important DNP: Jake Plummer. Natch.

Miami @ Washington (-3)

The Dolphins and Skins meet in a Super Bowl rubber match, with Garo Yepremian and Mike Bass on tap to re-enact the most awkward pass in Washington history – well, next to Larry Craig’s incomplete effort. Cam Cameron’s new-agey coaching theories and cutting-edge use of the same first and last name has Joe Gibbs and his geriatric staff in a complete tizzy in the days before the game. Joe Bugel’s paralyzed with indecision, trying desperately to figure out whether to punch Cameron in the neck or hit Al Saunders in the mouth. Meanwhile, Clinton Portis just realized that he’s paid to play football and that his backup may in fact be a fairly adept running back. Look for a big game from No. 26, right up until he bruises his shin trying to tackle Mike Wise. Dolphins win outright.

Most important DNP: Mark Brunell, because if he’s called on to enter the game, emergency rooms throughout the National Capital Region will experience a marked spike in laceration injuries from frustrated Skins fans putting their fists through their television screens.

Geoff

Dolphins +3 @ Redskins

Number of snaps the Skins starting offense took as a complete unit this preseason: Zero. Pete Kendall and Chris Samuels will be taking their first live snap next to each other on Sunday at FedEx. That said, the Redskins preseason performance this year looked far different compared to last year's Spurrier-esque showing (who loses a preseason game 41-0...seriously?). At the least this iteration looked…what’s the word? Ah yes, competitive…and at it’s best, their defense looked like it might be an elite level unit again. But come Sunday, one wonders if Jason Campbell will be nervous in his first season opener as "the man"? He shouldn't be--he started seven games last year. But Greg told me I'd be an idiot to be nervous at my wedding, and yet I still was while waiting for the ceremony to start...so go figure. I've hedged and equivocated quite a bit, but I’m optimistic about this Skins team--which means I think they could be at or above .500 heading into December with at least a chance to do something…

And then there's the Phins: They suck. Their offensive line is ghastly, Trent Green is the "answer" only if the question is "Who has two thumbs, is 37 and loves a good gyro?" and their vaunted defense is aging like a fine milk. I like the Skins 24-14.

Saints +6 @ Indianapolis

On a recent flight, I finished reading the vomit bag and the passenger safety guide (showing pictures of people smiling calmly whilst using their seat cushion as a flotation device juxtaposed against a flaming water bound aircraft in the background) and was ultimately relegated to reading American Airlines in flight magazine. It featured a cover story on Drew Brees that delved into every aspect of his life, save for the interesting ones (What’s that thing on his face? Why Purdue? When’s the last time you took the old lady to Poundtown, USA? Ever get her to let you go five-hole?). Apparently Drew LOVES New Orleans—can’t f*cking get enough of it. He loves the restaurants, the people, pouring resources into the local economy, and using small pieces of his vital organs to plug holes in the levees. But, Bourbon Street is “not for him.” What a douchenozzle. I actually like the Saints in this one from a “Indy letdown” perspective, even though I think New Orleans misses the postseason this year and the Colts again get double-digit victories. 26-24, Saints.

Philadelphia -6 @ Green Bay

How many times in the last 10 seasons have the Packers been a 6 point dog at Lambeau? I say…infrequently… And, you really have to give it the media for standing strong on their Favre-love. The blogsphere/counterculture mocking of the media for the unabashed Favre fellatio has been going strong for 4 years now, and the talking heads are still showing no sign of relenting. I’ve personally tired of it and am conceding victory. Favre is “great” and “everything that’s right with America” and “plays football the way it’s meant to be played” and “has a penis so large they could project a drive in movie on it” and “makes minorities, old people and puppies smile with his greatitude” and “throws tight spirals of honeysuckle and magic into the hearts of all ruddy faced children.” Eagles, 38-9.

New England @ NY JETS (+6.5)

Not the way I want the Jetropolitans season to open, against everyone's Super Bowl sweetheart New England. It's the cougar-hunting, hooded sweatshirt-wearing Mentor against The Mangenius. Hey, Bill, you know who really pulls off the hooded look? This guy.

Mangenius did get the cameo on the penultimate Sopranos episode, so his Q rating is off the charts. HOWEVAH, I have serious concerns about the Jets offensive line, and fear Brady and his new brand of offensive weapons will dismantle the Jets secondary. I am very sad to see NW released Raccon Eyes Caldwell, because the close-ups of him in the NE/San Diego playoff game last year were priceless. He looked more clueless than Cliff Clavin on Jeopardy.

Enough delaying the obvious - the Jets are starting the season 0-1 (and failing to cover). Man do the Patriots drive me crazy.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The Patriots are 7-1-1 ATS in the last 9 meetings.

Baltimore @ CINCINNATI (-2.5)

Well lucky me, I get both Monday night games this week. And lucky for you, the viewer, you get a Joe Theismann-less booth for the entire year. I saw Joe on the MASN simulcast of the John Riggins show yesterday, and let me just say, I’m not gonna miss him in the least. Then I heard he was discussing prostates on the Junkies this morning. Is that awful male version of The View still around, the one with AC Slater and Danny Bonaduce? If so, Joe should be a regular. What does Joe have to do with the Ravens/Bengals game? Absolutely nothing at all.

The actual game...well, I despise Brian Billick, in a LaRussian sort of way. I am convinced Steve McNair will turn to dust on the field this year, Friz Freleng-style. Dust that Devard Darling will try to snort mid-play. Look, Troy Smith made the roster - he spends his nights prank calling Eric Crouch and Jason White. All these unconnected statements simply lead to me taking Carson Palmer and the Bengals (and look, I waited all the way 'til the end to mention that Palmer is on my fantasy team). Shayne Graham boots a 45 yarder as time expires for the cover.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The home team is 11-5 ATS in the last 16 meetings.

Arizona @ SAN FRANCISCO (-3)

The booth for this game - Mike and Mike...and Mike. Awesome. Can't get enough of those guys. Greenberg, Golic and Ditka for three plus hours. Alex Smith wants everyone know he does not have small hands and he most definitely does not smell like cabbage. Matt Leinart would like to be the white version of procreation machine Travis Henry. Everyone seems to think Arizona will be good this year, but even if they score 30 a game their defense blows. At least I say it does - I have nether the time nor the energy to look up actual stats. I'm taking San Fran by at least a touchdown in this game, mainly because Dennis just sent me this Rotoworld "Gem of the Day": According to the San Francisco Chronicle, TE Vernon Davis is rumored to have dated Serena Williams.

It's just a rumor of course, but that potential genetic combination is pretty amazing. Boy or girl the kid would probably be wearing spandex, running a 4.4 40-yard dash and bench pressing 350 pounds by the second grade. We don't normally play cupid here at Rotoworld, but this really needs to happen.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The 49ers are 14-3 ATS in their last 17 MNF games.

Mark

Tennesee @ Jacksonville (-7)

By now most of you have read that former Jaguars QB Byron Leftwich was "euphoric" when he learned of his release from Jacksonville late last week. Most have assumed this is b/c of his often rocky relationship with his former axe-wielding, suit wearing maniac meathead of a coach, Jack Del Rio. While this is a solid theory, I have it on good authority that the real reason for Leftwich's exultation was that he had recently caught a glimpse of Reggie Nelson's penis in the locker room and said penis was so monstrous in size that it had been haunting Leftwich's dreams ever since. While cutting Leftwich came as a surprise to most, I can't see how it matters much come Sunday, since Tennessee has exactly one offensive skill position player who is worth a shit in Vince Young. The Jacksonville defense is a juggernaut built to stop the Colts offense so I'm having a tough time imagining them struggling to contain the likes of LenDale White & Bo Scaife. Sorry Titans fans, Yancey Thigpen isn't walking through that door. Even if he did, his chronic case of ass herpes would render him largely ineffective.

19-7 Jags.

Tampa Bay @ Seattle (-6)

I'd like to optimistic about Tampa's chances this year. However, based on last year's prediction it's safe to say I don't have a goddamn clue what I'm talking about. Here's what I do know:
Cadillac Williams is perpetually banged up, Michael Clayton isn't starting and Jeff Garcia is nailing a Playboy Playmate despite the fact that he's (a) bald and (b) wears a do rag underneath his helmet. Life ain't fair kids.

Don't believe me? Go ask David Boston about his recent experience with the fine folks at the Tampa Police Department.

Seattle is back after an injury plagued post Super Bowl season and looks scary good on offense once again with Deion Branch acclimated to the West Coast Offense and Shaun Alexander healthy. Additionally, FB Leonard Weaver will supply the offense with an additional pass catching dimension out of the backfield that Mack Strong never could, due to splitting time between Seattle and Vivid Video. (Actually, that's probably not true at all but Weaver and I went to the same high school. Go Scorpions!). Either way, Seattle better be ready to put some points on the board with regularity this year because I don't see how their defense stops any competent offense unless they figure out a way to clone Lofa Tatupu 10 times over. Luckily enough for Seattle, they're playing the Bucs who haven't had a competent offense since Doug Williams was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time in Ybor City.

31-17 Seahawks.

Chicago @ San Diego (-5.5)

Has the statute of limitations on referring to San Diego as "whale's vagina"
in an NFL picks column run out? God I hope so. Seriously, we get it. It's from Anchorman and Anchorman is funny. You know what else is funny? Watching Rex Grossman try to handle the QB-Center exchange. How did Alex Smith get stuck with the small hands label with Grossman running around fumbling like a pre-Coughlin era Tiki Barber? God only knows. Luckily for you, God's not the only person who knows that Rex spent last night pissing himself at the thought of Shawne Merriman coming off the edge unmolested.

How pathetic of a QB do you have to be replaced by a guy who once injured himself tripping over his dog whilst heavily overserved? Well, we're about find out. The over/under on Griese replacing Rex is Week 6*. I'll take the under, thank you. As for this game, Norv Turner could've probably guided Team USA to a semifinal loss to Puerto Rico in last week's Tournament of the Americas but even he won't be able to fuck this game up. Have no fear AFC fans, he'll make sure he takes care of sabotaging this Charger team eventually. If I had to guess, I'd say somewhere around Week 11. The nauseating Super Bowl hangover begins tonight Chicago. Have fun with that.

* May be completely untrue.

27-10 Chargers.

Okay fellas...candlesticks always make a nice gift. Let's get two...

Week 1: Well, That Certainly Looks Like a Lot of Words

2007-09-06T12:02:00.000-04:00

Pittsburgh (-4.5) at Cleveland

Tradition. Fat mustachioed fans. Two "classy" coaches. Clouds.

Shrinking cities. Three yard off-tackle runs. Unusual color schemes.

Two teams that "flat-out don't like each other." Yup, this game has it all, and then some.

Carolina (+1) at St. Louis

Who will win? I don't know. I don't know very much about football.

Rams.

Giants (+6) at Dallas

Woody Paige on the Giants: "I don't like this team, I don't like the quarterback, and I really don't like Tom Coughlin."

Some terrible writer on msnbc.com claimed there are 24 QBs he'd rather have over Eli Manning, including Batch, Huard, Garcia, Leinart, Smith, and Leftwich.

Whitney

Atlanta @ Minnesota (-3)

Detroit @ Oakland (-1.5)

Miami @ Washington (-3)

Rob

Kansas City @ Houston (-3)

* - Note: this may be purely anecdotal and not necessarily backed by any actual facts.

Most important DNP: Brodie Croyle, because putting him on the field all but assures an injury, and his comely wife won’t have that.

Denver @ Buffalo (+3)

Most important DNP: Jake Plummer. Natch.

Miami @ Washington (-3)

Geoff

Dolphins +3 @ Redskins

Saints +6 @ Indianapolis

Philadelphia -6 @ Green Bay

New England @ NY JETS (+6.5)

Not the way I want the Jetropolitans season to open, against everyone's Super Bowl sweetheart New England. It's the cougar-hunting, hooded sweatshirt-wearing Mentor against The Mangenius. Hey, Bill, you know who really pulls off the hooded look? This guy.

Mangenius did get the cameo on the penultimate Sopranos episode, so his Q rating is off the charts. HOWEVAH, I have serious concerns about the Jets offensive line, and fear Brady and his new brand of offensive weapons will dismantle the Jets secondary. I am very sad to see NW released Raccon Eyes Caldwell, because the close-ups of him in the NE/San Diego playoff game last year were priceless. He looked more clueless than Cliff Clavin on Jeopardy.

Enough delaying the obvious - the Jets are starting the season 0-1 (and failing to cover). Man do the Patriots drive me crazy.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The Patriots are 7-1-1 ATS in the last 9 meetings.

Baltimore @ CINCINNATI (-2.5)

Well lucky me, I get both Monday night games this week. And lucky for you, the viewer, you get a Joe Theismann-less booth for the entire year. I saw Joe on the MASN simulcast of the John Riggins show yesterday, and let me just say, I’m not gonna miss him in the least. Then I heard he was discussing prostates on the Junkies this morning. Is that awful male version of The View still around, the one with AC Slater and Danny Bonaduce? If so, Joe should be a regular. What does Joe have to do with the Ravens/Bengals game? Absolutely nothing at all.

The actual game...well, I despise Brian Billick, in a LaRussian sort of way. I am convinced Steve McNair will turn to dust on the field this year, Friz Freleng-style. Dust that Devard Darling will try to snort mid-play. Look, Troy Smith made the roster - he spends his nights prank calling Eric Crouch and Jason White. All these unconnected statements simply lead to me taking Carson Palmer and the Bengals (and look, I waited all the way 'til the end to mention that Palmer is on my fantasy team). Shayne Graham boots a 45 yarder as time expires for the cover.

Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The home team is 11-5 ATS in the last 16 meetings.

Arizona @ SAN FRANCISCO (-3)

The booth for this game - Mike and Mike...and Mike. Awesome. Can't get enough of those guys. Greenberg, Golic and Ditka for three plus hours. Alex Smith wants everyone know he does not have small hands and he most definitely does not smell like cabbage. Matt Leinart would like to be the white version of procreation machine Travis Henry. Everyone seems to think Arizona will be good this year, but even if they score 30 a game their defense blows. At least I say it does - I have nether the time nor the energy to look up actual stats. I'm taking San Fran by at least a touchdown in this game, mainly because Dennis just sent me this Rotoworld "Gem of the Day":
According to the San Francisco Chronicle, TE Vernon Davis is rumored to have dated Serena Williams.
It's just a rumor of course, but that potential genetic combination is pretty amazing. Boy or girl the kid would probably be wearing spandex, running a 4.4 40-yard dash and bench pressing 350 pounds by the second grade. We don't normally play cupid here at Rotoworld, but this really needs to happen.
Gambling stat that makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don't have a clue:
The 49ers are 14-3 ATS in their last 17 MNF games.

Mark

Tennesee @ Jacksonville (-7)

By now most of you have read that former Jaguars QB Byron Leftwich was "euphoric" when he learned of his release from Jacksonville late last week. Most have assumed this is b/c of his often rocky relationship with his former axe-wielding, suit wearing maniac meathead of a coach, Jack Del Rio. While this is a solid theory, I have it on good authority that the real reason for Leftwich's exultation was that he had recently caught a glimpse of Reggie Nelson's penis in the locker room and said penis was so monstrous in size that it had been haunting Leftwich's dreams ever since. While cutting Leftwich came as a surprise to most, I can't see how it matters much come Sunday, since Tennessee has exactly one offensive skill position player who is worth a shit in Vince Young. The Jacksonville defense is a juggernaut built to stop the Colts offense so I'm having a tough time imagining them struggling to contain the likes of LenDale White & Bo Scaife. Sorry Titans fans, Yancey Thigpen isn't walking through that door. Even if he did, his chronic case of ass herpes would render him largely ineffective.

19-7 Jags.

Tampa Bay @ Seattle (-6)

I'd like to optimistic about Tampa's chances this year. However, based on last year's prediction it's safe to say I don't have a goddamn clue what I'm talking about. Here's what I do know:
Cadillac Williams is perpetually banged up, Michael Clayton isn't starting and Jeff Garcia is nailing a Playboy Playmate despite the fact that he's (a) bald and (b) wears a do rag underneath his helmet. Life ain't fair kids.

Don't believe me? Go ask David Boston about his recent experience with the fine folks at the Tampa Police Department.

Seattle is back after an injury plagued post Super Bowl season and looks scary good on offense once again with Deion Branch acclimated to the West Coast Offense and Shaun Alexander healthy. Additionally, FB Leonard Weaver will supply the offense with an additional pass catching dimension out of the backfield that Mack Strong never could, due to splitting time between Seattle and Vivid Video. (Actually, that's probably not true at all but Weaver and I went to the same high school. Go Scorpions!). Either way, Seattle better be ready to put some points on the board with regularity this year because I don't see how their defense stops any competent offense unless they figure out a way to clone Lofa Tatupu 10 times over. Luckily enough for Seattle, they're playing the Bucs who haven't had a competent offense since Doug Williams was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time in Ybor City.

31-17 Seahawks.

Chicago @ San Diego (-5.5)

Has the statute of limitations on referring to San Diego as "whale's vagina"
in an NFL picks column run out? God I hope so. Seriously, we get it. It's from Anchorman and Anchorman is funny. You know what else is funny? Watching Rex Grossman try to handle the QB-Center exchange. How did Alex Smith get stuck with the small hands label with Grossman running around fumbling like a pre-Coughlin era Tiki Barber? God only knows. Luckily for you, God's not the only person who knows that Rex spent last night pissing himself at the thought of Shawne Merriman coming off the edge unmolested.

How pathetic of a QB do you have to be replaced by a guy who once injured himself tripping over his dog whilst heavily overserved? Well, we're about find out. The over/under on Griese replacing Rex is Week 6*. I'll take the under, thank you. As for this game, Norv Turner could've probably guided Team USA to a semifinal loss to Puerto Rico in last week's Tournament of the Americas but even he won't be able to fuck this game up. Have no fear AFC fans, he'll make sure he takes care of sabotaging this Charger team eventually. If I had to guess, I'd say somewhere around Week 11. The nauseating Super Bowl hangover begins tonight Chicago. Have fun with that.

* May be completely untrue.

27-10 Chargers.

Okay fellas...candlesticks always make a nice gift. Let's get two...

Appalachian State is HOT HOT HOT !!!

2007-09-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

If beating Michigan and pulling off the greatest collegiate sports upset since Chaminade knocked off the University of Virginia in the Maui Invitational wasn't enough to get an entire generation of students turned on to the advantages of Appalachian State University, well, I'm pretty sure this is going to do the trick.

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday....

2007-08-31T12:28:00.000-04:00

As I’m sure you’re all aware of, the College Football season kicks off (in earnest) tomorrow. This is, without a doubt, one of the greatest days of the year along with the first day of March Madness, Christmas and, of course whatever day I manage to make my way up to Gainesville to watch Florida play in the Swamp. I’m actually hoping/planning to see Florida play in person a few times this season so it could end up being a hell of a fall. Not that last Fall was anything to sneeze at. If you can’t tell, I’m pretty excited about college football. So excited, in fact, that I ended up getting drunk at the house last night while watching the LSU-MSU opener on ESPN. I rationalized sitting through the 4^th quarter of that game by saying I was “scouting” LSU and trying to get a look at their new offense, as well as my first real look at Ryan Perrilloux but really, who was I kidding? I was just giddy about the SEC season opening and I chose to express this giddiness through the majesty of Pabst Blue Ribbon (just $6.99 for a 12 pack at Publix. Boo. Yah.) So, I’m a little hungover today and the funny machine seems to be operating at a less than optimal rate. What do you want from me, it’s the beginning of a 3 day weekend?

Anyway, with an eye towards the first college football Saturday of the year tomorrow, I figured I’d center today’s column around my activities tomorrow which will focus most specifically on the home opener for YOUR 2007 National Champion Florida Gators.

10:30 am: Wake up and turn on Gameday. Smile a warm and knowing smile.

10:33 am: Curse Lee Corso.

10:45 am: Get out of bed, get something to eat. Beer’s on the way soon and I need something, anything in my stomach.

10:47 am: Curse the fact that Florida’s opener is at 12:30 pm and not the traditional 6 pm start. Fuck you, Lincoln Financial Sports.

10: 51 am: Receive excited call from my FSU alum sister about the arrival of college football. Talk shop with her while she yells at her kids to “Shutup while Mommy’s talking football.” You have to love the South.

11:00 am: Go outside and hang up my brand new Gator Nation flag. It’s a beautiful sight to behold. By the way, you’ll see a lot of schools with these flags now and that’s all well and good. However, Florida was the first school to produce these flags because, well, we’re better than everybody else. (Have the last 16 months taught you nothing?)

11:05 am: Bond with my new neighbors across the street who are also UF alumni. Right now, I’m just the “sketchy guy across the street”. By this time tomorrow I’ll be the “great young man across the street who went to Florida”.

11:45 am: Call my old roommate Vitas and scream “TEBOW SMASH!!” at him as he laughs and screams something similar to me.

11:46 am: Hang up phone.

11:53 am: Call my Dad and discuss how wonderful a day it is while casually mentioning that FSU has lost 3 of the last 4 to Clemson. He is not amused. Me? I’m enjoying it.

12: 07 pm: Put on my new Florida shirt. You’ve got to have a new shirt for each new season, especially since I retired last year’s shirt. I think it had earned it.

12:10 pm: Pick up aforementioned 12 pack of PBR at Publix. Mmmm, alcoholism.

12:15 pm: Arrive at Vitas’ house.

12:19 pm: Make annual “Player of the Game” predictions with Vitas.

12: 21 pm: Punch Vitas’ friend and co-worker Sink. It’s a tradition at this point.

12:23 pm: Begin to have uncontrollable spasms at the thought of Gator football.

12:29 pm: Talk about how miserable it must be in The Swamp. There’s a reason Florida doesn’t play games this early in early September.

12:32 pm: And Here Come the Gators!!! It gives me goosebumps when I hear that.

12:37 pm: Kickoff. Jesus, I can’t wait to see Florida hit the field.

12:38-3:53 pm: Entranced by the power of Florida Football. (Some activities that may occur during this time include: Wiping my face with my sleeve ala Urban Meyer, Pointing viciously ala Urban Meyer, Screaming “Percy!” as Percy Harvin blows by a helpless Western Kentucky defender, talking about how huge Cornelius Ingram is (ngs) with Vitas and Sink, avoiding my friend Socks’ drunken phone calls from inside the San Francisco Gator Club (x 3), Making up nicknames for UF players who don’t yet have them (last year’s personal fave was “Gunz” for Tony Joiner, kind of an inside joke), yelling at the TV as Nat Moore once again shows the audience he spent another off-season reworking the basics of the English language, and screaming at various levels of excitement for the many young talented players who will be introducing themselves to the Gator Nation throughout tomorrow’s game.)

4:05 pm: Head home to take advantage of my couch, three TVs and the ESPN Gameplan package. It’s looking like GT-ND on the big TV early with some combo of Wazzu-Wisconsin, Nevada-Nebraska, Wake-BC and Mizzou-Illinois on TVs 2 & 3.

5:15 pm: Possibly sneak in a game of NCAA ’08 (Tennessee is up next on the schedule), or not. It really depends on whether (a) I get too drunk (a nap could result) or (b) the late afternoon games are in any way competitive.

7:15 pm: Food. I must have food. Wings just seem appropriate on a day like tomorrow.

7:45 pm: Plant myself on my couch for the rest of the evening in hopes a too highly competitive games featuring SEC East rivals Tennessee (@ Cal) and Georgia (at home against Oklahoma St.)

11: 30 pm: Cap the night off with a shot of Jagermeister (or two) and an extended viewing of highlights of games I’ve already watched.

11: 45 pm: Make sure I’ve remembered to TIVO the Urban Meyer show on Sunday morning.

1:30 am: Go to sleep happy. Very happy.

Everywhere, like, such as...

2007-08-27T14:59:00.001-04:00

I was out of town most of last week at a Conference in Orlando but I did manage to get back home in time to catch my favorite event of the year, Miss Teen USA. Okay, that's a lie. It's my second favorite event of the year after the annual wife carrying championships. Sadly, the same people who fought Title IX all those years are continuing to exert enough pressure on advertisers to keep the WCC's off the air at the Worldwide Leader. (Don't think they'd show the WCC up in Bristol? Well, they recently televised cup stacking.) As a result, I was left to ponder the possibilities of a televised WCC whilst watching the intellectual giants participating in this year's Miss Teen USA Contest. Miss Teen South Carolina seemed to me like she was at the head of this year's class, particularly when it came time for the question and answer portion of the pageant.

I don't see why everybody is making such a big deal out of her answer. I mean, like, it totally, such as...Like made...sense, such as everywhere...South Africa, to me. Seriously, have you ever been to South Carolina? This girl is probably taking AP classes and helping her high school teachers grade papers in between those classes.

To The Face...

2007-08-17T15:16:00.000-04:00

This is a weekly column (if it can even be called that) today that I'll be running every Thursday or Friday until further notice. It's a really lame personal take-off on the Cheers & Jeers type columns which hand out praise and disdain to many of the items currently residing in our collective pop culture conscious. I'm not promising that this will be anything groundbreaking, or even really worth the effort it will take to read, but it should allow me to get some posts up that cover some of the random items floating through my head without making my consistently hung over brain work too hard at the end of a typically grueling (bullshit) work week. People, Events, etc. will receive one of two items directly to the face: A nice strong punch or a cool refreshing shot of liquor. I'm a total badass so I enjoy both of these in equal measure but since most of you jerks are total pussies we're going to classify the punch as a negative and the liquor as a positive. Because, honestly, is there any situation where a shot (or shots) of liquor could be construed as anything other than an overwhelmingly positive experience?

Today's edition of To The Face is going to be somewhat truncated due to the combined effects of it being late Friday afternoon and the broken index finger I received while playing basketball earlier this week. Without further ado...

Punch: Mohawks. Listen, nobody likes a good mohawk as much as me. True, glue stiffened mohawks are a beauty to behold. Hell, I've even considered going halves on a bastard with my girl just so we could shave a mohawk into our sons hair for the first five years of his life. Sadly, there's no giving kids back when they're five, nor is there any guarantee that we'd even have a boy so we've decided against the bastard, for now. It's just as well because, mohawks aren't cool anymore. I'm not talking about the fauxhawks that frat boys and accountants are wont to rock. Those were never, ever cool. I'm talking about actual honest to goodness, fully shaved on the sides mohawks. You see, when Amare Stoudemire, Dmitri Young's kid and everyone in between is sporting a mohawk it instantly ceases to be cool or noncomformist or anything else that these people think they're doing by hopelessly following a trend that's long since outlived its usefulness.

Shot: Goodfoulers. It took me a day or two to get around to watching this. After I finished viewing it for the first time I felt like a bigger asshole than Nick Saban. Okay, not that big of an asshole. Not even Phil Fulmer's actual asshole is that big.

Punch: Lincoln Financial Sports. The kind folks who bring you the SEC Football Game of the Week (Translation: The SEC Football game that neither CBS or ESPN wanted to broadcast) have decided, in their infinite southern wisdom, to broadcast the University of Florida season opener this year. At 12:30 pm. In Gainesville. On September Fucking 1st. Read that again for me.

This has got to be some sick joke right ? Have any of these people ever attended an afternoon game in The Swamp in September? Well, I have and it's not pleasant. In fact, I'd say it's torturous. This is...madness. Beyond the chance that at least 10 people will probably end up in the hospital from attending this game, this decision also puts a major kink in my normal opening day plans. Florida's opener has started at 6 pm for about 20 years now and it works out perfect. I sit around and watch football all day long while simultaneously getting more and more pumped to catch the first glimpse of that year's Gator fo otball team that evening as me and my buddies toss back booze and work ourselves into a lather over all the possibilities of a new season. Now, I'll barely be out of bed before kickoff and probably won't have any food in me until halftime. What am I supposed to do once the game ends at 3:00 and I'm already half-cocked? Keep drinking? Well, if you say so.

Shot: Tomorrow. They'll only be two weeks until the official start of the college football season when you and I wake up tomorrow morning. That alone is cause for celebration, or shots. I've got an idea. How about a celebration of shots? The best of both worlds my friend, the best of both worlds.

Punch: The Makers of Superbad. I guess my anger is somewhat misplaced here. I think this movie looks hilarious. Funnier than Knocked Up if you ask me. In fact, my girlfriend and I made plans to go see it last Friday night. Until, that is, we figured out that it didn't come out until tonight. Of course, we have plans all weekend and I've already begun to lose motivation to drag my ass out to the theater to see it. See what you assholes did? I was going to be responsible and now I'm just gonna end up getting drunk and puking in the neighbors planter. I hope you're happy, rich hollywood types.

Shot: Curtis Mayfield. Since he's dead I'll take this one on his behalf. How can anybody not love this guy's music? I've been a fan of Superfly for a long time but have more recently started to explore more of his catalougue. I don't think its fair to even call him a genius as it seems genius doesn't adequately capture the immense talent that this man possessed. If you find yourself in a bad mood this weekend, listen to Move On Up and try not end up with a smile on your face within about 30 seconds. You could have a drink too, that always helps.

Five Things I Learned on Hard Knocks

2007-08-15T15:07:00.000-04:00

As I’m sure most of you know, HBO has brought back the mini-series Hard Knocks, which follows a select NFL team through the always exciting (read: horribly mundane) weeks of training camp. This year’s version follows the Kansas City Chiefs who, if you ask me, are destined for a record somewhere near 5-11 due to the fact that they have no QB, a traditionally awful defense, a holdout star running back and a completely overrated coach. So why should NFL fans bother watching you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. Hard Knocks isn’t just about football, its about learning. Here are five things I learned by watching last weeks premier episode of Hard Knocks.

Women are needy: Brodie Croyle’s wife is hot, which is good since she has a predictably thick and unbelievably annoying southern accent. She’s also extremely needy. When asked how marriage was, she replied (I’m paraphrasing), “Its wonderful. Its just really nice to have somebody to hang out with 24/7.” Really? Having to hang out with somebody (anybody) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week sounds like my own little version of hell, even if that person came equipped with a bottomless keg full of cold Sierra Nevada growing out of their back. Alright, I guess that would be pretty cool. I guess my point in mentioning this is that I doubt Brodie feels this way. In fact, I’d venture to guess that the only 24-7 Brodie would prefer to hang out with his wife for is the 24 minutes and 7 seconds per day they are in coitus. He’d probably be okay with her mouth being duct taped shut for the remainder of the day too. Honestly, I don’t think Mrs. Croyle is that different from most women. Think about it, women can’t go five minutes alone in the car without calling a friend of theirs. That’s really what marriage is all about for women (I mean besides gifts, diamonds and everybody telling them how beautiful they are), a playmate. Mrs. Croyle unwittingly let me in on the secret of women’s obsession with marriage. They just want somebody who HAS to hang out with them.

Its cool to dance like a gay in Ft. Wayne, Indiana: Don’t believe me? Take a gander at one Bernard Pollard showing us all, “how they do it in Ft. Wayne.” I think we should all thank the NBA for moving the Pistons to Detroit. Seriously.

Jared Allen loves to get drunk and play Guitar Hero: I didn’t actually see him drinking while playing Guitar Hero but I did see him drinking O’Douls at dinner (Dude, try some prescription painkillers or something if you’re that desperate) and rocking out on Guitar Hero so hard that he was playing behind his head (Note: You do NOT get extra points for this). It’s my guess that at least one of Allen’s DUI’s was a result of him playing Guitar Hero whilst driving drunk. I can’t blame him really. If I had a Wii in my car I’d play that when I drove drunk.

The Chiefs drafted defensive players named Turk and Tank: I like the theory at play here. Turk and Tank just sound like football players don’t they? Beyond that, I’m fairly familiar with the exploits of these two from their collegiate days and both were capable and athletic defenders who should become productive NFL players. Sadly, I don’t think I can say the same for Chiefs defensive coordinator Gunther Cuningham. After listening to Cunningham throughout the first episode I get the distinct impression that he drafted both of these guys simply because, “Their names just sound like a guy who’ll kick somebody’s ass.” Hey, you don’t get a defense like KC’s just by scouting alone.

Herman Edwards has the art skills of my girlfriend’s 5 year old daughter:Good god, did you see the “Welcome to Training Camp” sign Herm designed for his team’s arrival at Camp? I’ve seen better art at the Special Ed classes I used to tutor. Okay, that’s a lie. I never actually tutored a Special Ed class. I was supposed to, but the school was right next to a bar that had a happy hour that started at 2. What am I, made of stone? You know what I think happened to that sign? I think Edwards started off the sign and then realized his markers were scented. Next thing you know Herm was high on markers, glue and white out and prank calling Tony Dungy pretending to be Ken Cuniff from Connecticut. Eventually, he just got one of the janitors at UW-River Falls to finish the sign for him.

Make sure you tune in to this week’s episode where Carl Peterson explains how, after a three day meth binge, he and Pete Stoyanovich came up with idea for the Chiefs mascot. I mean, there has to be some explanation, right?

Not Today.

2007-08-10T09:36:00.000-04:00

In light of some rather tragic events that transpired around here last night, I'll be taking the day off and not posting the regular Friday column. I'll be back later on this weekend but making jokes about punches and shots doesn't quite seem appropriate right now. Everybody be safe out there.

To The Face...

2007-08-03T11:02:00.000-04:00

This is a weekly column (if it can even be called that) today that I'll be running every Thursday or Friday until further notice. It's a really lame personal take-off on the Cheers & Jeers type columns which hand out praise and disdain to many of the items currently residing in our collective pop culture conscious. I'm not promising that this will be anything groundbreaking, or even really worth the effort it will take to read, but it should allow me to get some posts up that cover some of the random items floating through my head without making my consistently hung over brain work too hard at the end of a typically grueling (bullshit) work week. People, Events, etc. will receive one of two items directly to the face: A nice strong punch or a cool refreshing shot of liquor. I'm a total badass so I enjoy both of these in equal measure but since most of you jerks are total pussies we're going to classify the punch as a negative and the liquor as a positive. Because, honestly, is there any situation where a shot (or shots) of liquor could be construed as anything other than an overwhelmingly positive experience?

I swear that I planned to write a little something else this week, but well, you know that usual batch of excuses. Busy, drunk, lazy. Anyway, here we go:

Punch: My TIVO. Somehow it screwed up and neglected to tape the first 50 or so minutes of last week's episode of Big Love. When my girlfriend and I fired up the episode two nights ago the TIVO immediately took us to the murder of Roman Grant. Before we even knew what was happening, Roman was being shot by associates of the Greens. We still watched the episode via OnDemand but it kind of takes drama out of such a climactic scene when you know exactly what's going to happen.

Shot: Margene from Big Love. She didn't do it for me at all last season. Now, I find myself strangely attracted to her chipper disposition and sexual depravity. I understand the attraction to sexual depravity but I'm pretty well stumped on the attitude being a turn-on. I like 'em bitchy, you see.

Punch: Paperwork. I'm not exactly filling out TPS reports all day long but I'm not quite writing out dirty limericks either.

Shot: CNNSI's photo profile of the Top 10 Gator athletes of all time. No real explanation needed here but there are some bonus points to be had for the classic pic of Andy North.

BUCS TRAINING CAMP EDITION

Punch: Whoever murdered Michael Clayton. Somebody's got to track this cold blooded killer down because murder is the only logical explanation for the disappearance of Clayton. This guy was a monster who caught everything thrown his way as a rookie and even enjoyed pummeling DBs whilst run blocking. Now, he's losing playing time in training camp to Maurice Stovall and (punching self) David Boston. It breaks my heart, or hurts my balls. It's tough to tell which at this point. When Chris Simms was getting ready to make his first ever start (during Clayton's rookie year) against New Orleans, FOX ran a great "sounds of the game" clip of Clayton getting Simms pumped up (or at least attempting to) by imploring him to, "Get yo shine on! Get yo shine on!." It was a hilarious while and educational look into Clayton's confidence and swagger. Two years later, I have to wonder if that version of Clayton is laying in the bottom of a Louisiana swamp somewhere.

Shot: Jeff Garcia. I'm probably putting waaaay too much faith in a frail, 37 year old QB but when you consider the guys Tampa has put under center in recent years (Gradkowski, Simms, Rattay), can you really blame me? As I see it, he's the most natural fit at QB that Gruden's had for his offense since he arrived in Tampa and that alone has to inspire some confidence, alright, hope that the Bucs offense can carry its own weight this year.

Punch: The Bucs selection of Michael Clayton over Steven Jackson. Bitter much? Umm, yes actually. I've gone back and forth on this numerous times over the past few years. Actually, that's not entirely true. Clayton's rookie year production pacified my dissatisfaction, as did the numbers posted by Cadillac Williams as rookie in 2005. However, with Clayton now presumed dead and Cadillac reportedly suffering 3 (count 'em 3) bulging disks in his back I'm cashing in my "I told you so" tickets. Cadillac's a good player for sure. Is he anywhere as durable or versatile as Jackson? Not by a long shot.

Shot: Philip Buchanon. The early returns from Bucs camp are that he's already locked down one of the starting corner spots on Tampa's defense. Buchanon was always my favorite player from those late 90's Miami teams and I could never quite understand why he hadn't been successful in the NFL. He's got everything you'd want from a premier corner (save for an inch or two) and was no stranger to covering elite receivers during his days at Miami, as he matched up against the likes of Reggie Wayne, Santana Moss and Andre Johnson in practice alone. However, something never clicked for Buchanon during his time in Oakland. Now, after a few months learning the Bucs' defense it appears as if he may have resurrected his career under Monte Kiffin. If it's true, the Tampa defense has a chance to surprise some of the people predicting its imminent demise.

Punch: Bud Selig. I've never been a big fan of his but this Bonds chase has further proved him to be the whining, self-serving liar that I've always suspected him to be. You're the commissioner pal, and that means you will follow Barry around the country like a lost puppy dog until he breaks Hank Aaron's record. After that, you get to follow him into infamy for turning a blind eye to the explosion of steroids in baseball earlier in your term as Commissioner. Check your job description, it's all in there.

Shot: Big Ten Coaches. Actually, that's the nicknames that I've heard for Big Ten coaches. My two personal favorites? Cheaty McSweatervest (Tressel) and Grumbles the Sea Captain (Carr). While I'm talking about Big Ten coaches, or former Big Ten coaches. Am I the only person who finds it positively mind blowing that Randy Walker and Terry Hoeppner are dead while the adolescent sized hippo that is Barry Alvarez is still hanging out in Madison eating Polish Sausages three at a time for breakfast?

Punch: The NCAA. I honestly don't care if NCAA athletes are compensated in ways beyond their scholarships. I mean, I think high profile sports like football and basketball deserve it but I'm not about to egg Myles Brand's house over it. Now, having to pay $25 so that I can hear Brad Nessler say "Tebow throws for a TD!" instead of "QB #15 throws for a TD!" on NCAA '08. Yeah, that's gonna get you punched Myles, maybe even a nice kick to the shin to go with it.

Shot: Football Practice. The Gators kick off Fall practice on Sunday and it can't come any sooner. For me at least. The lack of work achieved by me while I scour Gatorcountry for in-depth practice reports over the next 28 days is probably gonna be a problem for my boss.

Shot: Half-days. They're perfect for a Friday really. You come into work, sit on your ass for 4-5 hours and then go home and sleep off the remainder of your hangover. Speaking of...have a great weekend.

Update: Numerous Shots for Jake Brown. He took one of the nastiest falls you'll ever see last night during the Skateboarding: Big Air competition (Which is, sure to end up killing a competitor one of these days). Check out the clip below and tell me you didn't cringe (or worse). I still can't get over what happened to his shoes.